FINAL DRAFT....PLEASE CRITIQUE.

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kingzts
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:35 am

FINAL DRAFT....PLEASE CRITIQUE.

Postby kingzts » Mon Jan 25, 2010 5:05 pm

As a first generation XXXXX-American it has never been an easy task to arrive at the current level of achievement, as I am the first member of my immigrant family to attend and graduate college. I’ve accomplished academically, which none of my family members have ever done, nor had the opportunity to do. That does not take away from what they’ve personally accomplished. For without their hard work, dedication, and experiences I would not have had my own opportunities to social betterment. Due to these personal experiences along with these opportunities, I have learned that it is my responsibility to ensure social diversity in the field of law. My family’s struggles have inspired my personal goal to advocate for those who, not unlike my parents, find themselves lost in translation. I’ve come to realize that there are too many people in this world who face struggles and simply do not know how to navigate through them. They need someone who shares an understanding of their difficulties to stand with them and guide them.
I’ve watched as my parents worked seven days a week to pay down debts accumulated in the process of becoming business owners. I’ve seen their tears of frustration when times were difficult. Times when they felt like an outsider living in a truly foreign land, struggling to create something of their own while supplying their two children with opportunities they never had. Along with this, I’ve seen their tears of joy when they watched me graduate college. Their hard work and struggles have given me so much, but I believe that my goals have yet to be truly realized.
It has been fifteen years since the darkest period of my family’s life that became a tipping point for the creation of my future. I will never forget that moment, seeing my parents cry together as they saw their fragile world crumbling around them. Feeling this personal shame led to a sense that taking their own life would be the best way out. To put aside futile hard work and dedication so they could escape from the difficulties of life. This moment will be embedded in my memory forever. Through the manipulation and lies of a more experienced businessman, my family was forced to leave their business. A business they owned for over twenty years. They were led to believe that verbal agreements could protect their creation. This was not the case. The foundation of our family had crumbled through the cracks, a family of immigrants who came to America for a better life for their children were tossed aside for profit. Unable to afford an attorney, we were forced to give up the business. Like that, it was gone. Was this the American dream that my family had hoped for? In that moment, I went from defenseless to determined. I would to never let this happen again. My mother, as resilient as she is, taught me that the only way to fight fire is with fire; that the only way to fight these injustices is to bring justice into court. Even with the little English that she knew, and even though she had lost so much, she understood that a path of law would help bring injustices to light and that those with little could feel empowered to stand up.
It would have been easy for anyone to inflict physical harm to those who would benefit from others losses. To resolve the pain by creating pain is the coward’s way out. I’ve channeled my anger and sadness into my studies, into my schoolwork, and into my preparation to learn the rule of law. I’ve learned that law is not about fair or unfair but rather what is a legal right. This alone does not sufficiently deal with the legal limitations that low-income families face. For they do not know what is their legal right and because of this, can be manipulated to believe that a certain protection exists when in actuality there is none.
During my time interning at the XXXXX Court, I’ve seen the same tears and frustrations that my family had experienced. I’ve seen so many families like my own manipulated by false promises. These families believed that the rule of law promised them a brighter future, only to have their dreams shattered. One family had started a restaurant business and found themselves in a similar predicament that my family found themselves in fifteen years ago. Unaware of what her duties and what their rights were, they found themselves out of the business after only six months due to a lack of understanding of contract law and misplaced trust in those who looked only to take advantage of their ignorance. The tears and appeal for justice fell upon deaf ears. Unable to help them, I sympathized with the family promising that it will get better, knowing from personal experience that it is possible to overcome these dark times.
Low-income business owners need as much protection as they can. Lower to middle class families represent potential growth in our economic and social system, which is ironically in dire straits. The American dream begins with pure ownership of a business and without that potential, we inhibit and stunt the growth of our society. Legal protection must not only be accessible without limitations, but must also humanize with the people. For most, as I’ve seen within my internship, do not fully understand many legal protections and responsibilities as a business owner. The goal of offering low cost legal protection will only promote the awareness and services that many of these individuals and families desperately need. As society changes, so must the protection of law. We have reached a point in which immigrants and minorities are growing in numbers daily and will eventually inevitably become the majority. Because of this, the market will shift as will the law clientèle. Business owners, like my family, will need representation to protect themselves from liabilities and legal issues. Trust is a key issue in any community and it begins with shared values and experiences. My conversation with Judge XXXXX during my internship had only contributed to my personal goals in which her path from the private to the public sector illustrated the great need for attorneys who have shared values and experiences with immigrant families.
My true goal has yet to be realized. There are still injustices and demands in this country that most pay no attention too. It’s the experience of my family and the experience of so many others that drive me to public interest and immigration law. I am enlightened to the fact that there are still those who struggle to fight cases without representation and those who do not truly understand the repercussions of a misunderstanding of the law. It has not been a hope but rather sheer determination that drives me to become an attorney who will stand up for these people. My diversity of experiences will ensure that true understanding and emotional attachment will transpire to create a better future with those who feel they have none.

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gwuorbust
Posts: 2087
Joined: Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:37 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT....PLEASE CRITIQUE.

Postby gwuorbust » Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:50 pm

Please do not let this be your final draft... you will be selling yourself short. I think you can make a very compelling story, but it needs a lot of work.

That being said,

As a first generation XXXXX-American it has never been an easy task to arrive at the current level of achievement


This is the start of what is a trend. You need to go back and look at your wording. From this wording what this sentence means is that you have arrived at your current level of achievement multiple times... which, of course, is impossible.

2nd. there is no clear theme. I know it has to do with your struggles, but with a quick skim I cannot pick out one consistent subject. Focused PS are the best type. I highly suggest rewriting your PS and choose one event, like your graduation, a difficult time, a class project, a time your talked with your relatives about college, etc. The point is, I would suggest picking a theme and event to focus on, and relate that to how it changed you and caused you to grow as a individual. Do not talk about everything that has ever happened to you in your life.

3rd.
I’ve come to realize that there are too many people in this world who face struggles and simply do not know how to navigate through them. They need someone who shares an understanding of their difficulties to stand with them and guide them.
I’ve watched as my parents worked seven days a week to pay down debts accumulated in the process of becoming business owners. I’ve seen their tears of frustration when times were difficult. Times when they felt like an outsider living in a truly foreign land, struggling to create something of their own while supplying their two children with opportunities they never had. Along with this, I’ve


I feel that abbreviations like 'I've' should be avoided.




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