Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
cad424
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Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby cad424 » Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:23 am

I want to avoid the idea that my desire to go to Law School is purely for vindication.



As I walked into the rest room I could hear them laughing in the next room. As I hurried to wash my hands 9 men whom I didn’t know but have had the pleasure of getting to know my wife and I entered. The laughter stopped as soon as they saw me. My heart began beating rapidly. I can’t believe all this is happening, I said to my self. As I exited the restroom I saw Margarita. Like the 9 men, Margarita too had a chance to get to know my wife and I over the past two weeks. She looked through the glass door and turned around to see me behind her. I said nothing. She gave me a smile that made me feel confident but somewhat scared at the same time. I announced to the room that a verdict had been reached. Forty Five minutes after closing arguments the verdict was in. All parties reentered the court room. Standing at the Defense table I grasped Laura’s hand. The bailiff handed the Judge the verdict. The Judge announced that the verdicts were the same and that nobody was to display any negative outpouring of emotion. I looked at Laura wondering if this was the last time I would ever see my beautiful wife. “Not Guilty”. After a two years of having an accusations hanging over our heads we were free. Now what do we do? I though to my self once again.

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SDWaterBaby
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby SDWaterBaby » Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:34 am

PM-ed

cad424
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby cad424 » Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:38 am

I appreciate the info. I will certainly make use of your advice.

I actually announced to the defense team and support we had there that the verdicat was in. I just knew it.

I don't want to sound like "that guy" that's going to show everybody. I had a plan to pursue law when I separated from the Army and now that this arduous situation is past I'm simply picking up where I left off.

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twert
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby twert » Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:57 am

i don't really know what's going on.

"As I hurried to wash my hands 9 men whom I didn’t know but have had the pleasure of getting to know my wife and I entered." this sentence in particular is weird.

cad424
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby cad424 » Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:04 am

twert wrote:i don't really know what's going on.

"As I hurried to wash my hands 9 men whom I didn’t know but have had the pleasure of getting to know my wife and I entered." this sentence in particular is weird.


Thanks to SDWaterBaby this is the correction to that sentence.

As I hurried to wash my hands, 9 men entered. While I did not know these men on a personal level, we were no strangers; these men had spent the past two weeks getting to know my wife and me.

am060459
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby am060459 » Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:10 am

the number 9 should be spelled out. Nine instead of 9.

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grobbelski
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby grobbelski » Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:24 am

cad424 wrote:
twert wrote:i don't really know what's going on.

"As I hurried to wash my hands 9 men whom I didn’t know but have had the pleasure of getting to know my wife and I entered." this sentence in particular is weird.


Thanks to SDWaterBaby this is the correction to that sentence.

As I hurried to wash my hands, 9 men entered. While I did not know these men on a personal level, we were no strangers; these men had spent the past two weeks getting to know my wife and me.


My wife and I

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Learning Hand
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby Learning Hand » Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:27 am

My wife and me. Better yet, me and my wife.

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twert
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby twert » Sat Jan 23, 2010 3:24 am

grobbelski wrote:
cad424 wrote:
twert wrote:i don't really know what's going on.

"As I hurried to wash my hands 9 men whom I didn’t know but have had the pleasure of getting to know my wife and I entered." this sentence in particular is weird.


Thanks to SDWaterBaby this is the correction to that sentence.

As I hurried to wash my hands, 9 men entered. While I did not know these men on a personal level, we were no strangers; these men had spent the past two weeks getting to know my wife and me.


My wife and I

my wife and i hasn't been correct for a few hundred years now.

placencia
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby placencia » Sun Jan 24, 2010 2:41 am

If it is the subject it is "my wife and I" and if it is the object, which it is in this case, it is "me".

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quickquestionthanks
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby quickquestionthanks » Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:42 pm

The whole "getting to know" thing just sounds a little cryptic. And the fact that "getting to know" is followed by "my wife" makes it sort of sound like you mean "know" in the Biblical sense. And the whole 9 men thing.

Maybe "learning about" is better. I'm not trying to be funny.

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cherryalamode
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby cherryalamode » Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:44 pm

Standing at the Defense table[,] I grasped Laura’s hand. The bailiff handed the Judge the verdict. The Judge announced that the verdicts were the same and that nobody was to display any negative outpouring of emotion. I looked at Laura [and wondered] if this was the last time I would ever see my beautiful wife.
“Not Guilty”.
After a two years of having an accusations hanging over our heads we were free. Now what do we do? I though to my self once again.


Assuming that this PS is about you being accused of something you didn't do, I would suggest for you to scrap everything above this paragraph. You threw around too many names and people and made it sound like it was the middle of the story rather than the beginning.

I feel like the Not Guilty part should be separate from everything else. Gives it greater impact.

Captain Muscles
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby Captain Muscles » Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:47 am

cad424 wrote:I want to avoid the idea that my desire to go to Law School is purely for vindication.



As I walked into the rest room I could hear them laughing in the next room. As I hurried to wash my hands 9 men whom I didn’t know but have had the pleasure of getting to know my wife and I entered. The laughter stopped as soon as they saw me. My heart began beating rapidly. I can’t believe all this is happening, I said to my self. As I exited the restroom I saw Margarita. Like the 9 men, Margarita too had a chance to get to know my wife and I over the past two weeks. She looked through the glass door and turned around to see me behind her. I said nothing. She gave me a smile that made me feel confident but somewhat scared at the same time. I announced to the room that a verdict had been reached. Forty Five minutes after closing arguments the verdict was in. All parties reentered the court room. Standing at the Defense table I grasped Laura’s hand. The bailiff handed the Judge the verdict. The Judge announced that the verdicts were the same and that nobody was to display any negative outpouring of emotion. I looked at Laura wondering if this was the last time I would ever see my beautiful wife. “Not Guilty”. After a two years of having an accusations hanging over our heads we were free. Now what do we do? I though to my self once again.


Yeah this 9 guys getting to know your wife sentence is really weird.

I thought you were setting the scene for some kind of gang rape honestly. And I agree with Cherryalamode.

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Kchuck
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby Kchuck » Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:57 am

quickquestionthanks wrote:The whole "getting to know" thing just sounds a little cryptic. And the fact that "getting to know" is followed by "my wife" makes it sort of sound like you mean "know" in the Biblical sense. And the whole 9 men thing.

Maybe "learning about" is better. I'm not trying to be funny.


+ 1

I thought the same thing upon first reading.

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sirchristaylor
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby sirchristaylor » Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:34 am

quickquestionthanks wrote:The whole "getting to know" thing just sounds a little cryptic. And the fact that "getting to know" is followed by "my wife" makes it sort of sound like you mean "know" in the Biblical sense. And the whole 9 men thing.

Maybe "learning about" is better. I'm not trying to be funny.


+1

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sirchristaylor
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Re: Intro to personal statement. Should I go with this?

Postby sirchristaylor » Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:34 am

sirchristaylor wrote:
quickquestionthanks wrote:The whole "getting to know" thing just sounds a little cryptic. And the fact that "getting to know" is followed by "my wife" makes it sort of sound like you mean "know" in the Biblical sense. And the whole 9 men thing.

Maybe "learning about" is better. I'm not trying to be funny.


+1


And now I want to know more about this...




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