Personal statement lacks "bite", Please Help!

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Personal statement lacks "bite", Please Help!

Postby kirknerdo06 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 2:50 pm

This is the first draft of my personal statement. I realize that I lack the wow factor so any suggestions or comments would be great.

Student Body Executive

In the spring of my sophomore year at XXXX College I decided to run for student body vice president as a favor to my roommate who was running for the position of President. The context of “favor” in this case would be this: as a highly successful member of the debate team, appointed member of the student run “honor council”, as well as a member of the varsity football team, I knew that I would not have time to both live the underclassmen lifestyle of late night video games and other dorm-common festivities that I had become accustom to, and fulfill my old commitments with the addition of such a weighty responsibility. My roommate, being every bit the politician he strives to be, convinced me that I was the only person he knew that could work accomplishing assigned tasks inside of the teamwork structure that he envisioned but also, that I was someone who could be self reliant in finding and accomplishing tasks that needed to be done without instruction. With my ego thoroughly massaged I caved and agreed to be his running mate.
After a hotly contested election in which we were victorious, our administration began. While the experience was anything but seamless, my junior year represented a coming of age in a number of different ways. For the first time in college I found athletic success in football, I was elected a team captain by my teammates off-field and was a second team all conference selection on it. More importantly, there was a larger shift in my focus and also in my ability to manage both people and time effectively. While some may see my position of vice president as a resume filler, the reality of the position was something else altogether. As the vice president I was also the head of the finance committee as well as the chairman of the clubs and organizations committee for the student body. Through my experience as the head of these two committees as well as the larger responsibility of being the vice president I picked up and enhanced valuable skills that will be useful not only in law school but later in life as well. Serving in these capacities enabled me to hone my skills in terms of managing, and sometimes refereeing, between members of the group. An additional outcome of my term as the vice president would be the enhancement of my time management skills. While XXXX College is non-scholarship, NCAA Division Three classified in its sports, the time commitment on a student athlete is quite substantial and the addition of the responsibilities of being the vice president made me prioritize my days as an undergrad in a much different way from those around me; instead of the couch after practice it was the library or senate office.
In no way do I regret the decision to run. In fact this past fall I campaigned and was elected to the position of President of the student body in which capacity I currently serve. Just as I sought to pay a favor to a friend and the larger student body of the college, serving in the capacity of vice president afforded me the opportunity to attain and polish skills that will help me be successful in law school, but marketable and more importantly employable in the “real world” after graduation.

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Re: Personal statement lacks "bite", Please Help!

Postby OGR3 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 3:00 pm

This reads like a resume.

Pick a highlight of your college athletic career or an important decision you made as student government president. Show your maturity and poise rather than just telling us about it.

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Re: Personal statement lacks "bite", Please Help!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 3:01 pm

This is a jumbo-paragraph, not a PS

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