Short PS...Would love some additional feedback before submit

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
Compaq1984
Posts: 180
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:23 pm

Short PS...Would love some additional feedback before submit

Postby Compaq1984 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:46 am

Trying to adhere strictly to 2 pages double spaced is not easy so it is as "to the point" as it can be while still telling "my story". Thanks for the feedback!
SECOND CHANCE

I opened the door and trudged out into the cold. My dress shoes were immediately soaked by the six inches of wet snow that had fallen overnight. Having grown up in the northeast, the scene itself was not new to me but the circumstances that surrounded this walk into the cold certainly were. It had been just barely over a year since my last academic experience but it felt as if it had been just a dream. To make ends meet, I found employment at a local car dealership as a salesman. I was grateful to find work but I was still bothered by the thought of most of my friends and high school classmates who were at that time in their senior years of college and looking forward to starting their respective careers. However, it was not time to feel sorry for myself; not anymore.
I had left a school (XXX) that gave me a full scholarship for football in search of what I thought would be greener pastures (XXX). In hindsight, I may not have been ready for this transition and a lack of continuity only seemed to complicate matters even further. Consequently, I headed into my second semester at XXX with an immature attitude and a poor GPA. Then it happened. One of the most important people in my life suddenly passed away and it left me in shambles. My grandfather had served as my father figure for over 18 years since my parents divorced and my mother was forced to raise me by herself. Subsequently, I withdrew from my spring semester classes and in my haste I failed to discuss my situation or my future with anyone at XXX; big mistake.
Because of the circumstances of my academic record when I withdrew, I was not able to return as a “degree student” and worse off, I was not eligible for any financial aid. I was able to fund one semester’s worth of tuition but it was not enough to regain my eligibility. My college career was in jeopardy.
This brings us back to the cold and snowy parking lot at the car dealership. I decided there that I was not going to feel sorry for myself anymore and I was going to make the best out of the situation. For the first time in my life I began to understand what it was like to be an adult. The job required 50+ hour weeks and a full day of work on Saturdays. Despite the new workload, I made myself stick with it and after several months I eventually obtained a noticeable level of success. I was able to leverage my successes at the dealership into another sales job that provided full benefits and a somewhat steady salary.
The new position would challenge my organizational skills and my persistence but for the first time in my life I knew, I wouldn’t let myself fail. For once, I was right. My hard work and dedication eventually helped me gain recognition as one of the top 5% Account Executives in XXX among over 300 of my peers. Because of my successes and my demonstrated leadership skills, I was also chosen to train for a promotion to the branch manager position which I would have attained had our division of the company been able to stay solvent. My division was not able to continue being profitable and it ceased operations last spring. I was unknowingly given a second chance.
At this point, you may still be wondering why I feel that I am a good candidate for “XXX Law” so I will be as direct as possible. My path to law school has not been a “traditional” one nor has it been an easy one, but it has made me into the person I am today. I am someone who now knows what it takes to be successful in the classroom as well as in the real world. I am also, however, someone who is truly grateful to even have the opportunity to pursue law as a career. I feel that I have been given a second chance to reevaluate my life and pursue an interest that I am truly passionate about. There are undoubtedly many challenges that lie ahead over the next three years, but I can say today with complete confidence that I am truly ready for anything that may come. Hopefully I can begin this next chapter of my life at a prestigious school such as the XXX.

dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: Short PS...Would love some additional feedback before submit

Postby dlee975 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:25 am

I would re-work the conclusion. At some points you seem to be pandering to the school a bit. Here are some of the changes I would make. Try to work on better flow. I have to really concentrate when reading your essay and the reader should not have to. Especially someone who will be reading hundreds of these. The fact that I'm doing this at 3:30 in the morning may also be a contributing factor. :) Hope this helps a bit and good luck with your process.

I opened the door and trudged out into the cold. My dress shoes were immediately soaked by the six inches of wet snow that had fallen overnight. Having grown up in the northeast, the scene itself was not new to me but the circumstances that surrounded this walk into the cold certainly were. It had been just barely over a year since my last academic experience but it felt as if it had been just a dream. To make ends meet, I found employment at a local car dealership as a salesman. I was grateful to find work but I was still bothered by the thought of most of my friends and high school classmates who were at that time in their senior years of college and looking forward to starting their respective careers. However, it was not time to feel sorry for myself; not anymore.Did you start working right after high school?
I had left a school (XXX) that gave me a full scholarship for football in search of what I thought would be greener pastures (XXX). In hindsight, I may not have been ready for this transition and a lack of continuity only seemed to complicate matters even further. Consequently, I headed into my second semester at XXX with an immature attitude and a poor GPA. [strike]Then it happened[/strike].(I don't really know about this part. Seems out of place) One of the most important people in my life suddenly passed away and it left me in shambles. My grandfather had served as my father figure for over 18 years since my parents divorced and my mother was forced to raise me by herself. Subsequently, I withdrew from my spring semester classes and in my haste I failed to discuss my situation or my future with anyone at XXX; big mistake.

Because [strike]of the circumstances[/strike] of my academic record when I withdrew, I was not able to return as a “degree student” and worse off, I was not eligible for any financial aid. I was able to fund one semester’s worth of tuition but it was not enough to regain my eligibility. My college career was in jeopardy.

This brings us back to the cold and snowy parking lot at the car dealership. I decided there that I was not going to feel sorry for myself anymore and I was going to make the best out of the situation. For the first time in my life I began to understand what it was like to be an adult. The job required 50+ hour weeks and a full day of work on Saturdays. Despite the new workload, I made myself stick with it and after several months I [strike]eventually[/strike] obtained a noticeable level of success. I was able to leverage my successes at the dealership into another sales job that provided full benefits and a [strike]somewhat[/strike] steady salary.

The new position would challenge my organizational skills and my persistence but for the first time in my life I knew, I wouldn’t let myself fail. [strike]For once, I was right.[/strike] My hard work and dedication [strike]eventually[/strike] helped me gain recognition as one of the top 5% Account Executives in XXX among over 300 of my peers. Because of my successes and my demonstrated leadership skills, I was [strike]also[/strike] chosen to train for a promotion to the branch manager position which I would have attained had our division of the company been able to stay solvent. My division was not able to continue being profitable and it ceased operations last spring. I was unknowingly given a second chance.What do you mean by this?

[strike]At this point, you may still be wondering why I feel that I am a good candidate for “XXX Law” so I will be as direct as possible.[/strike]My path to law school has not been a “traditional” one nor has it been an easy one, but it has made me into the person I am today. I am someone who now knows what it takes to be successful in the classroomdid you mention success in the classroom earlier in your essay?? as well as in the real world. (I am also, however, someone who is truly grateful to even have the opportunity to pursue law as a career. I feel that I have been given a second chance to reevaluate my life and pursue an interest that I am truly passionate about. There are undoubtedly many challenges that lie ahead over the next three years, but I can say today with complete confidence that I am truly ready for anything that may come. Hopefully I can begin this next chapter of my life at a prestigious school such as the XXX.) I would rework all of this. It does not come across as sincere at all but simple rhetoric.

User avatar
Compaq1984
Posts: 180
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:23 pm

Re: Short PS...Would love some additional feedback before submit

Postby Compaq1984 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:47 pm

Thanks for the feedback... Im reworking things now. I left some things out that may seem less than obvious for TLS readers but I am hoping ADCOMMs can see the big picture when they have my full application in front of them... I didnt really like my conclusion either. It was written in a short period of time late last night. back to the drawing board! thanks again...




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.