Here it is again...PLZ HELP!!! Turning in soon!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 11:48 am

Here it is again...PLZ HELP!!! Turning in soon!

Postby jjones73 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:33 am

Let me know what you guys think about this PS:

Lessons Learned

Spending my summer breaks working in the blistering summer heat was not the life I had imagined for myself when I was ten years old. My father, a second generation carpenter, had insisted that I spend my breaks from school learning the value of hard work. I despised him for it. The work I did consisted of the menial tasks required by the construction industry. I swept the floors, picked up scrap wood, moved never-ending piles of lumber, and eventually learned to drive a nail without smashing a finger. I loathed the days that I had to wake up before sunrise to go to work instead of having fun with my friends. My father stressed the importance of education, saying that it would give the skills to pursue a career that does not involve manual labor. He taught me to be accountable for my own life. I watched as he worked his hands to the bone in order to give my sister and me a chance at a better opportunity. Heeding his words of advice, I made the goal to pursue a college education.

By the time I was fourteen I had spent every break from school working for my father. My attitude toward what I once thought of as indentured servitude had changed. Conquering the steep learning curve imposed by the construction industry was a challenge at first, but I faced it with a sense of purpose. Menial tasks were still part of my job repertoire, but my thirst for knowledge soon led to the acquisition of more advanced skills. Reading blue prints and complex schematics became second nature. I was never afraid to voice my opinion when I found an error in the plans. My willingness to speak up often kept the company on track to meet its deadlines. I found it intriguing how all the bits and pieces were put together to create the solid framework of something larger, much like the law. The amount of work that my father could accomplish in a day left me in awe. After working long days in the searing heat he would come home only to do chores on our farm until dark. His work was impeccable and he expected nothing less from me. He taught me to never sell myself short. I am never satisfied with leaving projects uncompleted, or only putting in a half-hearted effort.
Later that year, my father was killed in a tragic farming accident. He had been working with a calf on our family farm when the mother charged him. My sister and I had stood witness to the event. Stat-flight could not make it to the hospital in time. After the funeral, I vowed to not the lessons that he taught me be in vain. The work ethic and tenacity that he taught me during his short lifetime have become valuable tools when faced with obstacles.

My father raised me to believe that I can accomplish any goal if I set my mind to it. Knowing the value that he placed on education, I graduated high school with honors. The financial burden imposed by being raised by a single mother limited my options for gaining a college degree. The cost of tuition at even the smallest schools seemed too expensive. Every dollar that my mother earned went into our farm. Exhausting every available resource, I had soon gained enough scholarship money to attend XXX, where I decided to major in aviation. Leaving home was a difficult decision because without me there to help, my mother would have to sell the farm my father had worked so hard to build. Conscious that this may be the only opportunity that I had, I made the commitment to follow through with my goal. The cost of flight fees soon drained my savings, so I took on a part-time job working full-time hours in order to pay for my expenses. Balancing my work schedule with studying proved to be an intricate process. I developed a routine that allowed me to manage my time effectively. After spending my freshman year in cramped two-seater airplanes I realized that aviation was not my calling. The next year I changed my major to business where I could build upon the knowledge that I gained from my father. Enrolling in summer courses allowed me to graduate on time three years later while working a full-time schedule to help support myself and my mother.

In the three years since my undergraduate course work, I have been working for a financial corporation as an account manager. My position requires the ability to communicate with customers in a concise and comprehensible manner. The ability to surmount obstacles, to think through problems, and develop feasible solutions for customers is necessary. The current financial environment is a tightrope walk. New policies and laws are frequently brought into effect and I must constantly re-educate myself. This has opened my eyes to the complex challenges that companies face when establishing lending policies. Predatory lending laws have changed the face of the financial industry, and I am interested in learning how these laws are interpreted from a legal viewpoint. Like building a new home, the law is built upon a strong foundation and then constructed upward based on that platform. Last year I assumed the task of creating a new solicitation program in order to generate business from our current customer portfolio. I was determined to expand the business. Working in coordination with our legal and marketing departments, I was able to develop a program that has increased the branch revenue by two percent since its inception. My work on this project solidified my decision to study business law. Despite the challenges presented by my current position, I feel that my intellectual abilities are underutilized. Law school would offer the challenge that I want, while giving me valuable expertise needed to understand the law behind the contracts that I present on a daily basis.

As I prepare to create the next chapter in my life, I look back without regret. Each struggle that I have overcome has built upon my unique foundation. The lessons that I have taken from these experiences will help me become a successful advocate of the law. I am well aware of the challenges presented by enrollment in law school, and I look forward to facing them with the same resiliency that has helped to attain my past goals. My drive to succeed is no longer fueled by a need to make my life more positive, but rather a desire to continue its upward trajectory. The values that my father bestowed upon me have not withered away in time. They have served to make me the strong, passionate, driven individual that I am today. I do not have to wonder if I would make him proud. I know I would.

Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: Here it is again...PLZ HELP!!! Turning in soon!

Postby dlee975 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:31 am

Your paragraphs are too long. I could not get through the whole thing. There seems to be sooo much information and those long paragraphs make it difficult to read. Fix this line "After the funeral, I vowed to not the lessons that he taught me be in vain." Just remember that these adcomms will be reading hundreds of these personal statements and we should try to make our essays as reader friendly as possible, in my opinion. The message is good, just work on condensing. Good luck with your process.

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