Critiques/criticism for yet another ps

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Lucidity
Posts: 99
Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:42 pm

Critiques/criticism for yet another ps

Postby Lucidity » Wed Jan 20, 2010 7:36 pm

Hello everyone, i just finished the first draft of my PS. It feels a bit long, but i really did not have a length in mind and was just typing away until i said everything i wanted to say. Any and all feedback is welcomed.

I stood at the edge of the cockpit, looked straight ahead and quickly surveyed the dimly lit tunnel before me. For the past thirteen hours, I had been confined to a sitting position inside what can only be described by my childish imagination as a metal barrel with wings. As a grumpy seven year old boy lacking in patience and abundant in energy, finally exiting that claustrophobic Boeing 747 was a moment that I had anticipated with an intense passion. Yet here I was at the last leg of my journey and the euphoria that I had expected was perplexingly absent. Though I knew that a wondrous new world awaited me, as hard as I tried I could not shake the nagging sorrow in my heart. The first step I took on American soil would once and for all cement away my old existence and sink it deep in the depths of my memory. The friends I loved, the cousins I grew up with, the girl I had a crush on, all were now on the other side of the Pacific and seemed lost to me forever. I looked up behind me into my mother’s waiting eyes and asked again for what seemed to be the hundredth time, “mom, why are we doing this?” She smiled patiently, pointed at me and responded, “for your education, son.”

As a child growing up in Viet Nam, my parents have always impressed upon my brother and me the importance of an education. Education opened doors, swept away the cobwebs of ignorance and brought about understanding. Where others strived for physical and tangible wealth, I was taught from a young age that above all else, an American education was seen as the penultimate goal that one from a third-world Communist country such as Viet Nam could attain. Before I knew what America really was, I found myself lulled to sleep dreaming of this strange world and the vast knowledge resource that it contained. I knew that eventually, I would one day step on her shores, ready to mine this knowledge for myself.

It was with these deep-seated beliefs serving as guideposts on my path that I began my education in this country, culminating to eventually earning a bachelor of business administration degree with a concentration in Finance. It was an exceedingly rewarding and difficult process. On my journey, I was forced to hurdle many obstacles, such as re-relearning how to communicate with a foreign language. I was also fortunate enough to encounter numerous individuals with radical ideas throughout my journey that have forced me to look introspectively and challenged me to ask the difficult questions that have molded me into the person I am today. Some of these people have since become my closest friends and most trusted confidants. Little did I know on that fateful day so long ago that though I had lost much when I abandoned my homeland, I would gain so much more in the years to come.

Seventeen years after I started on my campaign for knowledge, I still reminisce fondly at the boy I was and the man I am now. I have changed little. My unquenchable thirst for knowledge still remains, and amusingly so does my vigor and impatience. I love engrossing myself into a spirited debate and at times have found it difficult to keep my energy in check. Depending on who was on the other end of the conversation, the result would often either be a mutually beneficial exchange of ideas, or hurt feelings brought about by misunderstanding. Eventually, a noticeable pattern developed that made me take notice. There was one group, above all others, who seemed to consistently humble me with their breadth of knowledge – aspiring lawyers.

For many at this junction in their lives, the focus on learning would be coming to an end and their attention would be turned to other worthwhile pursuits. I do not find such to be true for myself, for my accomplishments still somehow feel inadequate. I yearn for more and do not intend to stop my education here. For these reasons, I have decided that my education will be furthered at a new venue, that of law school.

Though I have not always known that the study and practice of law would be the end game on my decades long pursuit of knowledge, the subject had long been a curiosity for me. Unlike other subjects such as mathematics where a certain correct answer always existed, the same cannot be said about the law, where the interpretation of a set of facts can vary wildly from one entity to the next. Where algebra and calculus has changed little since the age of Newton, I imagine law to be an ever changing and constantly evolving amalgamation of thoughts, decrees and precedents. It is my belief that the role of a good lawyer is to parse and disseminate this convoluted mass of information to those without a trained legal mind. This is who I want to be.

Soon, the road that started with my first step out of that cockpit into the tunnel at DFW International Airport will end. Entering law school is the beginning of the end of my journey. I look at the next three years and know that I will emerge from this experience finally possessing the holy grail of an American education that my parents had always preached about. I can’t wait to get started.

Lucidity
Posts: 99
Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:42 pm

Re: Critiques/criticism for yet another ps

Postby Lucidity » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:10 pm

/bump

Sending this out at the end of the week, any thoughts are appreciated.

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devilishangelrjp
Posts: 257
Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 2:21 pm

Re: Critiques/criticism for yet another ps

Postby devilishangelrjp » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:29 pm

Lucidity wrote:Hello everyone, i just finished the first draft of my PS. It feels a bit long, but i really did not have a length in mind and was just typing away until i said everything i wanted to say. Any and all feedback is welcomed.

I stood at the edge of the cockpit, looked straight ahead and quickly surveyed the dimly lit tunnel before me. For the past thirteen hours, I had been confined to a sitting position inside what can only be described by my childish imagination as a metal barrel with wings. As a grumpy seven year old boy lacking in patience and abundant in energy, finally exiting that claustrophobic Boeing 747 was a moment that I had anticipated with an intense passion. Yet here I was at the last leg of my journey and the euphoria that I had expected was perplexingly absent. Though I knew that a wondrous new world awaited me, as hard as I tried I could not shake the nagging sorrow in my heart. The first step I took on American soil would once and for all cement away my old existence and sink it deep in the depths of my memory. The friends I loved, the cousins I grew up with, the girl I had a crush on, all were now on the other side of the Pacific and seemed lost to me forever. I looked up behind me into my mother’s waiting eyes and asked again for what seemed to be the hundredth time, “mom, why are we doing this?” She smiled patiently, pointed at me and responded, “for your education, son.”

As a child growing up in Vietnam, my parents have always impressed upon my brother and me the importance of an education. Education opened doors, swept away the cobwebs of ignorance and brought about understanding. Where others strived for physical and tangible wealth, I was taught from a young age that above all else, an American education was seen as the [strike]penultimate[/strike]("Penultimate" probably isn't the word you want. It means "second to last." Perhaps "ultimate?") goal that one from a third-world Communist country such as Vietnam could attain. Before I knew what America really was, I found myself lulled to sleep dreaming of this strange world and the vast knowledge resource that it contained. I knew that eventually, I would one day step on her shores, ready to mine this knowledge for myself.

It was with these deep-seated beliefs serving as guideposts on my path that I began my education in this country,[strike]culminating[/strike]("culminating" probably isn't the word you want to use here...it gives the impression your education is ending) to eventually earning a bachelor of business administration degree with a concentration in Finance (actually, I don't think you need to capitalize finance). It was an exceedingly rewarding and difficult process. On my journey, I was forced to [strike]hurdle[/strike] (again, perhaps not the best verb because I'm not sure it is a verb)many obstacles, such as [strike]re-re[/strike]learning how to communicate [strike]with[/strike] in a foreign language. I was also fortunate enough to encounter numerous individuals with radical ideas throughout my journey that have forced me to look introspectively and challenged me to ask the difficult questions that have molded me into the person I am today(This sentence doesn't flow from the sentence before it.). Some of these people have since become my closest friends and most trusted confidants. Little did I know on that fateful day so long ago that though I had lost much when I abandoned my homeland, I would gain so much more in the years to come.

Seventeen years after I started on my campaign for knowledge, I still reminisce fondly at the boy I was and (Here you need another verb; you can't reminisce about the man you are now)the man I am now. I have changed little. My unquenchable thirst for knowledge still remains, and amusingly so does my vigor and impatience. I love engrossing myself into a spirited debate and at times have found it difficult to keep my energy in check. Depending on who was on the other end of the conversation, the result would often either be a mutually beneficial exchange of ideas, or hurt feelings brought about by misunderstanding. Eventually, a noticeable pattern developed that made me take notice. There was one group, above all others, who seemed to consistently humble me with their breadth of knowledge – aspiring lawyers.

For many at this [strike]junction[/strike]juncture in their lives, the focus on learning would be coming to an end and their attention would be turned to other [strike]worthwhile[/strike] pursuits. I do not find such to be true for myself, for my accomplishments still somehow feel inadequate. I yearn for more and do not intend to stop my education here. For these reasons, I have decided that my education will be furthered at a new venue, that of law school.

Though I have not always known that the study and practice of law would be the end game on my decades long pursuit of knowledge, the subject had long been a curiosity for me. Unlike other subjects such as mathematics where a certain correct answer always existed, the same cannot be said about the law, where the interpretation of a set of facts can vary wildly from one entity to the next. Where algebra and calculus has changed little since the age of Newton, I imagine law to be an ever changing and constantly evolving amalgamation of thoughts, decrees and precedents. It is my belief that the role of a good lawyer is to parse and disseminate this convoluted mass of information to those without a trained legal mind. This is who I want to be.

Soon, the road that started with my first step out of that cockpit into the tunnel at DFW International Airport will end.(Why "soon"?) Entering law school is the beginning of the end of my journey. I look at the next three years and know that I will emerge from this experience finally possessing the holy grail of an American education that my parents had always preached about. I [strike]can’t[/strike] (avoid contractions) wait to get started.


My comments are in bold there. In general, watch your verbs. Good luck.

Lucidity
Posts: 99
Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:42 pm

Re: Critiques/criticism for yet another ps

Postby Lucidity » Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:50 pm

Much appreciated.




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