2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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blurped
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2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby blurped » Wed Jan 20, 2010 3:00 pm

Thank you for all your replies--I will post a new draft soon
Last edited by blurped on Thu Jan 21, 2010 2:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ConMan345
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Re: 2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby ConMan345 » Wed Jan 20, 2010 3:08 pm

I've only read the first part.

My advice, FWIW: cut the first paragraph, it stalls too much, and the analogy isn't quite right, in my mind. Also, avoid like the plague describing yourself in concrete terms, it can come off as arrogant, or at best very biased. It's a subtle but important difference, I think. Instead of saying something like "I'm competitive," describe a competitive situation you enjoyed or, if you must, say "I enjoy competition."

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blurped
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Re: 2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby blurped » Wed Jan 20, 2010 3:15 pm

ConMan345 wrote:I've only read the first part.

My advice, FWIW: cut the first paragraph, it stalls too much, and the analogy isn't quite right, in my mind. Also, avoid like the plague describing yourself in concrete terms, it can come off as arrogant, or at best very biased. It's a subtle but important difference, I think. Instead of saying something like "I'm competitive," describe a competitive situation you enjoyed or, if you must, say "I enjoy competition."


Thank you, I've been concerned whether the analogy was appropriate or not.

dlee975
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Re: 2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby dlee975 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:36 am

bad analogy...not interested in Giuseppe

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Richie Tenenbaum
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Re: 2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:43 am

Cut the first paragraph.

Reconsider the need to include your love of arguing growing up and your dad always saying you should be a lawyer; both are typically considered bad reasons to apply to law schools.

Bankhead
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Re: 2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby Bankhead » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:08 am

It goes on way too long, but it's fine for Tier 4.

I have a friend currently a 1L at South Texas. He loves it.

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blurped
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Re: 2nd Draft-- Please help! This is very important to me!

Postby blurped » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:35 am

OK, I will def cut the first paragraph (maybe change it to another analogy that is more appropriate for law?).

It doesn't sound too resume-ish, does it?




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