Another critique my PS thread

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Another critique my PS thread

Postby Clive1 » Wed Jan 20, 2010 11:26 am

Last edited by Clive1 on Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am

Re: Another critique my PS thread

Postby umichgrad » Wed Jan 20, 2010 12:41 pm

I'd be really interested to know your numbers and where you're applying. I say this because I think this is a very regular story (one that the adcomms will have seen a hundred times) but you tell it in a very interesting, unique way that is creative and bold. It's not for everyone, but I think some schools would really like it.

In terms of edits, the last two paragraphs really need to be written more formally. "I know I'm crazy..." is just too loose for an essay of this importance.

Good luck! its great.


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Re: Another critique my PS thread

Postby Clive1 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:27 am

Thanks for the input.

Anyone else, thoughts?

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Re: Another critique my PS thread

Postby Dtackpat75 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:39 am

Clive1 wrote:Here it is. Let me know what you think:

It was my second day on the job, and something tasted very, very strange.

I looked around the conference room: Accountants, analysts and executives in their 30s and 40s with loosened ties and kicked-off heels deftly balanced perfect sushi rolls between their chopsticks.

One of my new coworkers looked at me. “How’s the eel?” she asked.

Eel? Raw eel? I knew there was something wrong with that shrimp. My face started to burn as I helplessly sloshed my dinner around in my mouth. I’d intended to try different things in New York, but not in front of a roomful of superiors. Suddenly, I felt dizzy.

It was early spring of 2006, and I had spent the last two days desperately trying to give my new coworkers at ABC Group—a small, thriving, Manhattan-based commercial real estate company—the impression that I was on their level. That I could the handle late nights, and the cool consumption of sushi that went along with them. I wanted these people to forget that, until a week ago, the top of my resume said “Bloomington, Minnesota.” I wanted them to think I was mature. Intelligent. Professional. Cultured.

But as I registered several sets of raised eyebrows and hurriedly excused myself to the bathroom with a panicked wave, I realized this wasn’t going to be the kind of place where I could fake it.

At my first “real job” back in Minnesota, I was essentially a robot accountant. I worked for XYZ Inc, a large corporation that had standardized procedures for every potential situation, with very little room for critical thinking or creativity. Everything was done by the book, and the office emptied daily at the stroke of 5 p.m.

When I moved to New York, I hoped to find what I’d been missing in Minnesota. I wanted a job I could invest in—one that was dynamic, challenging and intellectually-stimulating. Over the next four years at ABC Group, I found much more than that.

I joined the company pre-recession, when it bought and sold real estate at an astonishing rate. Every day, new, completely unique issues arose, and every day my job evolved. When the CEO wanted a financial forecast for the coming years, I created a model for that. When new contracts needed to be analyzed from a financial standpoint, I did it without a precedent in place. And when the market took a beating in 2008, I helped the company determine which assets were salvageable.

The only downside to working with intelligent, ambitious people is that I’ve become fascinated with their jobs—specifically our lawyers. In my current position, I give ABC Group’s legal team the financial information they need to put together complex contracts, and I’ve observed their jobs to be demanding and rewarding. I admire the great mental balancing act that their work demands: They must be at once detailed-oriented, but far-reaching; steadfast, but compassionate; pragmatic, but creative. These qualities embody precisely the type of thinker and person I hope to become in this next stage of my life. Now, at 30, I know that this—the study of law—is what inspires me.

That said, I also know I’m slightly crazy for applying to law school now. After all, I‘m incredibly lucky to be a finance major who’s been employed by the same company through this recession. But after much research, lots of sushi and years of working with lawyers, I’m both excited and prepared for a change.

At 26, I moved to across to New York curious, clueless and excited. I had set out to find a challenge, but what I got was even better: Now, four years later, I have a passion.

Umm I read the whole thing which is a victory. Normally I get half way through and exit the thread becuase the essay is so poorly written. So your writing style at least kept me interested. I didn't find the story itself extremely compelling. For a two page paper you need to attack your PS as if every sentence is the sentence that is going to make the difference between getting into your dream school and not.

Maybe some other things to explore are whether or not you are interested in real estate law, it seems implied but never stated and then express what about real estate law in particular is so interesting. I would think that would give some credibility. I also wouldn't use compassionate to describe real estate lawyers it just seems absurd. Maybe they are passionate about their work but not really sure how they would be compassionate.

If you want to look at my PS I will PM it to you. I have already applied so I can't make any more changes. I don't think mine is perfect but I spent alot of time working on it so it may help. Let me know.

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