PS Rough Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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motedust
Posts: 147
Joined: Sun Aug 16, 2009 2:27 pm

PS Rough Draft

Postby motedust » Tue Jan 19, 2010 10:31 pm

Uh oh, this could be bad. Check it out, very rough draft. Let me know how it is? Thanks.


Singapore is an island city-state with a highly cosmopolitan population containing one of the most active ports in the world. A city that thrives on trade and a work force comprised of thousands of expatriates. Despite leaving Singapore at the age of six, I feel a tie to my home that represents who I am. The son of an American sailor who left his country to find work and an Indonesian woman who’s family has split over the Japanese occupation of Singapore. I check a box that states my ethnicity as Asian but know few other Indonesians. I stand at 6’2” but my dark skin and foreign features separate me from other white Americans. This juxtaposition of cultures forges the lenses with which I see and helps steady the hands with which I mold the world I am in. The delicate balance created with the strengths of contributing nations that has led Singapore to a strong and successful economy is reflected in my progression and successes as a university student and in my desire to be a part of a connected economy as a lawyer.
The death of my parents triggered drastic changes in my life. My mother’s death was the catalyst that caused my family to move to the United States when I was six years old. This loss forced my father to make a decision that would greatly impact my life. He stayed at home. Working from home allowed him to raise my older sister and me with the utmost care and attention. In high school I decided to play tennis, a move in my mother’s footsteps. I took a year off after high school and lived at Weil Tennis Academy for nine months, a boarding academy for junior and professional tennis players. This pursuit culminated in my recruitment at California Lutheran University, but also with the death of my father in October of 2006.
In the middle of October I received the news that he had passed away from, what was found later, a heart attack. For the first time in my life I felt alone, despite being surrounded with family. I struggled and worked hard to be a pillar of support for my sister, which ultimately took its toll on me. I managed to maneuver myself into a position to become a student athlete at Point Loma Nazarene University in San Diego, closer to my aunt and uncle, my closest family. I held onto a brave face for the remainder of the year, but the facade gradually chipped and fell away the next year. During my second year I began to feel isolated from my family, I missed holidays and rarely talked with my aunt and uncle. My depression cycled until I was able to discuss my behavior and feelings with my advisor. I decided then, that there must be change if I was to accomplish my goals.
After a summer spent in Asia, I returned to school with a renewed fervor for classes and a desire to accomplish. While in several different countries I could see the effects of strong interconnected economies. Singapore’s diverse, and largely corruption-free economy displays the necessity of capable lawyers to interpret rules for corporate interaction. Lawyers serve a great role in helping powerful companies interact to build a stronger nation.
Since returning to school my third year I have received Dean’s List for all three semesters while taking difficult major courses and heavy unit loads, accepted as a research assistant for pioneering virtue theory research, assisting in presentations at two major psychological conferences including the Western Psychological Association, and my average GPA over the last three semesters has been a 3.68. Most recently I will begin working with several lawyers at the HechtSolberg law firm in San Diego.
The maturity I have accumulated through my life experiences and my knowledge of psychology will only benefit me in what will be a rigorous and demanding educational endeavor into law school. I will bring with me a unique perspective, not only from a cultural standpoint but also situationally. As a professional I hope to be a part of decisions that better the lives of all those involved and in my own way make it possible for others to accomplish their goals.

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writetrack
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:27 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft

Postby writetrack » Fri Jan 22, 2010 4:00 pm

Hi Motedust,

I looked over your personal statement and while you have some solid ideas I think it does not flow well and is not as compelling as it can be. I believe with your international background and the hardships you have encountered with the passing of both your parents you can most certainly create a compelling story that will better resonate with the admissions committees. I am happy to provide you with a more in-depth critique.

Best,

writetrack

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chicoalto0649
Posts: 1172
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft

Postby chicoalto0649 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 4:01 pm

writetrack wrote:Hi Motedust,

I looked over your personal statement and while you have some solid ideas I think it does not flow well and is not as compelling as it can be. I believe with your international background and the hardships you have encountered with the passing of both your parents you can most certainly create a compelling story that will better resonate with the admissions committees. I am happy to provide you with a more in-depth critique.

Best,

writetrack


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