My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
sscv1985
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:10 pm

My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby sscv1985 » Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:39 pm

Its about environmental awareness, which is something that I have passion for and hope to get into.
It is quite short. Please give me feedbacks and comments. Any is appreciated. I know there are still lots of changes i must make. So any advice or criticism is appreciated.

First Essay is about environment, My second essay is more about myself. I have been trying to merge them together but having trouble to. So PLEASE, ANY Advice will be good..... THANKS!


------------------------------------------
Personal Statement (1)
-------------------------------------------
My belief in changing the environment started from driving on highways with my windows down and breathing in the toxic emissions. I detested the smell and not to mention the horrendous health consequences. I abhor the fact I have to put on sun block everyday. Drinking bottled water and choosing organic foods in supermarket became necessary yet hassle additions to my daily living.

Why law school? Caring for the environment is not enough when we do not take actions. We must take implement and execute certain regulations to constrict the continuous expansion of these poisons. Instead of joining environmental groups protesting in front of government facilities, I chose to lead my path in the legal field. Understanding the process of the legal system between law makers and legislations bypassed in environmental issues would help me become proactive on the field of environmental enforcements. The importance of law in environmental issues is so important that it takes more than concerning nature activist but every individual to reach their extent in different ways. I prefer to take a more advanced step and implement my thinking from the inside. Alerting more people the importance and essential factors to our survival and our needs from the environment. Knowing what legal steps is needed to execute re-establishment of our natural foundations.

During my years of work in different countries, I was puzzled by narrow visions of corrupted countries, especially in Asia. Their lack of knowledge and care for the environment resulted to some of the most polluted cities in the world. Beijing, China for instance, is covered with thick smog that threatens not only the health, but also endangers the ecosystem. Their selfish approaches in allowing manufacturing companies to expel pollutants had made the planet a black hole for toxic elements. Their lack of understanding of precautionary principles led them to see only the monetary bribes of multinational companies and neglected the true values that lay in front of us.

It is ambitious to declare so many goals and changes that I proposed but I also believe in making a difference starts individually. If we all put in a little effort into our daily living and thoughtfully second our disposal of waste we throw in the trash, the differences we make as a society is great. My purpose at law school is straight forward. I am dedicated to make at least one difference with the construction of the law in the international environment. Changing something that can benefit the environment and our next generation will begin for me when I start my studies at law school. Absorbing the wisdom and justice of law that keeps our society balance is just as important as keeping our environmental balance. Centering my studies in environmental law is my chief goal but a broad knowledge in areas such as international, human rights, business and economics is essential to determine the interdisciplinary, intersecting and overlapping boundaries of our society. To be an environmental reformer, what I should possess is not only ambition, but also a reservoir of adequate knowledge to initiate a reform and maintain it on the right track. I am confident that with continued study in fundamental legal principles and understanding of the legal framework, I will be able to change my pessimism to hope.



---------------------------------------------------
Personal Statement (2)
----------------------------------------------------
Growing up like a nomad, living in one country to the next, I adapted to a new city and school nearly every year in elementary. Moving day was exciting at first but after the second and third, each relocation experience was distressful. Moving furniture and luggage was frustrating enough but throughout the whole duration, my parents would be arguing over the most meaningless things that led to outbreaks of family war.

Growing up in my family was an experience that made me feel more mature and observant than others my age. I was always wary of the underlying explosive temper that could suddenly erupt. My parents rarely agreed with each other. They were both dominating and intense business people, each ran their own textile and clothing companies before we moved to America. At home, their controlling personalities seemed to cause the endless conflicts every night. I would stare in awe from the corner as though I were watching a prime-time drama. As the fights evolved from verbal to physical, their marriage finally ended when my father was turned in for domestic violence.

My life changed at the age of seventeen. I watched my parents went their separate ways, leaving me as the only asset of their regretful marriage. I have not seen my father since. As a college student, I have came to realize that the dissonant family environment allowed me to develop character, insight, and a perceptive sense that I would never have developed so early in life. Living under their roof, I learned to play the piano and guitar. I adapted to cultural differences of three countries and spoke three different languages. But most importantly, I developed a determination and tenacity to advance and survive through adversity. I never took my life for granted because I was never spoiled by excesses or attention. This priceless education formed my solid understanding of the realities in society.

As I progressed through college, I started a campus coffee shop. In addition to providing revenue to offset my tuition costs, the business gave me a sense of “home.” It was solely my idea, my creation, my responsibility, my work and time; the two hundred square foot shop was my home. In a three-year period I expanded the single shop on my college campus into four franchises at two other college campus locations. I dedicated my time, creativity and commitment to each one. At the time of graduation, I sold it to a local family and invested my savings for a future education. Success came from my determination to imagine, to risk and to tenaciously pursue a goal. These characteristics learned in my childhood were an education that no institution can parallel.

My success in creating a small business was not luck or chance. It was my determination and self realization of my potentials. When my parents came to America in hopes of creating a better life, their dreams became derailed as they lost sight of their goals while immersed in the turmoil of their relationship. I have learned well by this direct experience never to lose sight of my goals, never to allow my dreams to be sidetracked.

When I thought about my purpose in life, I was certain that I would be more than the child who would sit quietly in the corner watching. I am determined to pursue further education in law school because I understand how a law degree would open more opportunity for me. My persistence and self-motivation will allow me to be a competitive law student. Thriving for dreams, I yearn to change my pessimism to hope. Through confidence, diligence and a hope for endless possibilities, I have come to know that these have no limits.
Last edited by sscv1985 on Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
chicoalto0649
Posts: 1172
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby chicoalto0649 » Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:58 pm

sscv1985 wrote:Its about environmental awareness, which is something that I have passion for and hope to get into.
It is quite short. Please give me feedbacks and comments. Any is appreciated. I know there are still lots of changes i must make. So any advice or criticism is appreciated.

------------------------------------------

My belief in changing the environment started from driving on highways with my windows down and breathing in the toxic emissions. I detested the smell and not to mention the horrendous health consequences. I abhor the fact I have to put on sun block everyday. Drinking bottled water and choosing organic foods in supermarket became necessary yet hassle additions to my daily living.

[strike]Why law school?[/strike] Caring for the environment is not enough when [strike]we[/strike] do not take actions. [strike]We[/strike] must take implement and execute certain regulations to constrict the continuous expansion of these poisons. Instead of joining environmental groups protesting in front of government facilities, I chose to lead my path in the legal field. [strike]Understanding the process of the legal system between law makers and legislations bypassed in environmental issues would help me become proactive on the field of environmental enforcements[/strike] ( This sentence does not make a whole lot of sense. The importance of law in environmental issues is so important that it takes more than concerning nature activist but every individual to reach their extent in different ways. I prefer to take a more advanced step and implement my thinking from the inside. ???Alerting more people typo here the importance and essential factors to our survival and our needs from the environment. Knowing what legal steps is needed to execute re-establishment of our natural foundations. this strikes me as way to naive for any adcomm to take seriously- this whole paragraph suffers from the inclusion of too many platitudes

During my years of work in different countries,now you're sort of on to somehting but this is vague- what countries did you work in-how many years- where?? I was puzzled by narrow visions of corrupted countries, especially in Asia. [strike]Their lack of knowledge and care for the environment resulted to some of the most polluted cities in the world. Beijing, China for instance, is covered with thick smog that threatens not only the health, but also endangers the ecosystem. Their selfish approaches in allowing manufacturing companies to expel pollutants had made the planet a black hole for toxic elements. Their lack of understanding of precautionary principles led them to see only the monetary bribes of multinational companies and neglected the true values that lay in front of us.[/strike] adcomms wont care about pollution in beijing -- they want to know about you- be POSITIVE in your personal statement and especially dont criticize other flippin countries when you have such a limitied amount of space to get across what you need to get across

It is ambitious to declare so many goals and changes that I proposed you proposed nothing in this paper- you listed problems and spoke in vague terms about what needs to be done but I also believe in making a difference starts individually. If [strike]we[/strike] stop saying WE- this is extremely presumptuous and adcomms might not give two shits about the environment all put in a little effort into our daily living and thoughtfully second our disposal of waste we throw in the trash, the differences we make as a society is great. My purpose at law school is straight forward. I am dedicated to make at least one difference with the construction of the law in the international environment im almost postive any law school outside of HYS will prepare you to even remotely come close to touching on the "law in the international environment. Changing something that can benefit the environment and our next generation will begin for me when I start my studies at law school. Absorbing the wisdom and justice of law that keeps our society balance is just as important as keeping our environmental balance. Centering my studies in environmental law is my chief goal but a broad knowledge in areas such as international, human rights, business and economics is essential to determine the interdisciplinary, intersecting and overlapping boundaries of our society. To be an environmental reformer, what I should possess is not only ambition, but also a reservoir of adequate knowledge to initiate a reform and maintain it on the right track. I am confident that with continued study in fundamental legal principles and understanding of the legal framework, I will be able to change my pessimism to hope. ???/


Come on man! You're better than this. I dont mean to sound like a jerk but you have to anticipate that adcomms are going to be very cynical after reading hundreds upon hundreds of personal statements and your personal statement does nothing to reveal the kind of person you are and thus they will have no idea what kind of person they will be admitting into their class. You talk loosely about how you are ambitious but you really dont point to anything in your experiences that might make them believe this is actually the case. Stop talking in the second person and stop sounding like a Green Party Pamphlet....

HTH

User avatar
sscv1985
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:10 pm

Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby sscv1985 » Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:16 pm

Thank you for your insightful comments.
I am starting to feel this is not a wise choice of writing.

I do have a second personal statement which i have been thinking of merging them together.
I will post it underneath my first one .

Thank you for your feedbacks.

yeff
Posts: 333
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2009 2:32 pm

Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby yeff » Wed Jan 20, 2010 6:33 pm

Nearly all books/sites giving advice on the personal statement caution against writing about your interest in public service/public interest/environmental repair/etc unless you have evidence (generally, work experience) to demonstrate your commitment.

User avatar
sscv1985
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:10 pm

Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby sscv1985 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:48 pm

Thank you for your feedbacks... I will consider using my second personal statement .




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.