My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Thoms1919
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My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby Thoms1919 » Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:39 pm

del
Last edited by Thoms1919 on Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

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chicoalto0649
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Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby chicoalto0649 » Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:58 pm

Thoms1919 wrote:Its about environmental awareness, which is something that I have passion for and hope to get into.
It is quite short. Please give me feedbacks and comments. Any is appreciated. I know there are still lots of changes i must make. So any advice or criticism is appreciated.

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My belief in changing the environment started from driving on highways with my windows down and breathing in the toxic emissions. I detested the smell and not to mention the horrendous health consequences. I abhor the fact I have to put on sun block everyday. Drinking bottled water and choosing organic foods in supermarket became necessary yet hassle additions to my daily living.

[strike]Why law school?[/strike] Caring for the environment is not enough when [strike]we[/strike] do not take actions. [strike]We[/strike] must take implement and execute certain regulations to constrict the continuous expansion of these poisons. Instead of joining environmental groups protesting in front of government facilities, I chose to lead my path in the legal field. [strike]Understanding the process of the legal system between law makers and legislations bypassed in environmental issues would help me become proactive on the field of environmental enforcements[/strike] ( This sentence does not make a whole lot of sense. The importance of law in environmental issues is so important that it takes more than concerning nature activist but every individual to reach their extent in different ways. I prefer to take a more advanced step and implement my thinking from the inside. ???Alerting more people typo here the importance and essential factors to our survival and our needs from the environment. Knowing what legal steps is needed to execute re-establishment of our natural foundations. this strikes me as way to naive for any adcomm to take seriously- this whole paragraph suffers from the inclusion of too many platitudes

During my years of work in different countries,now you're sort of on to somehting but this is vague- what countries did you work in-how many years- where?? I was puzzled by narrow visions of corrupted countries, especially in Asia. [strike]Their lack of knowledge and care for the environment resulted to some of the most polluted cities in the world. Beijing, China for instance, is covered with thick smog that threatens not only the health, but also endangers the ecosystem. Their selfish approaches in allowing manufacturing companies to expel pollutants had made the planet a black hole for toxic elements. Their lack of understanding of precautionary principles led them to see only the monetary bribes of multinational companies and neglected the true values that lay in front of us.[/strike] adcomms wont care about pollution in beijing -- they want to know about you- be POSITIVE in your personal statement and especially dont criticize other flippin countries when you have such a limitied amount of space to get across what you need to get across

It is ambitious to declare so many goals and changes that I proposed you proposed nothing in this paper- you listed problems and spoke in vague terms about what needs to be done but I also believe in making a difference starts individually. If [strike]we[/strike] stop saying WE- this is extremely presumptuous and adcomms might not give two shits about the environment all put in a little effort into our daily living and thoughtfully second our disposal of waste we throw in the trash, the differences we make as a society is great. My purpose at law school is straight forward. I am dedicated to make at least one difference with the construction of the law in the international environment im almost postive any law school outside of HYS will prepare you to even remotely come close to touching on the "law in the international environment. Changing something that can benefit the environment and our next generation will begin for me when I start my studies at law school. Absorbing the wisdom and justice of law that keeps our society balance is just as important as keeping our environmental balance. Centering my studies in environmental law is my chief goal but a broad knowledge in areas such as international, human rights, business and economics is essential to determine the interdisciplinary, intersecting and overlapping boundaries of our society. To be an environmental reformer, what I should possess is not only ambition, but also a reservoir of adequate knowledge to initiate a reform and maintain it on the right track. I am confident that with continued study in fundamental legal principles and understanding of the legal framework, I will be able to change my pessimism to hope. ???/


Come on man! You're better than this. I dont mean to sound like a jerk but you have to anticipate that adcomms are going to be very cynical after reading hundreds upon hundreds of personal statements and your personal statement does nothing to reveal the kind of person you are and thus they will have no idea what kind of person they will be admitting into their class. You talk loosely about how you are ambitious but you really dont point to anything in your experiences that might make them believe this is actually the case. Stop talking in the second person and stop sounding like a Green Party Pamphlet....

HTH

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Thoms1919
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Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby Thoms1919 » Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:16 pm

del
Last edited by Thoms1919 on Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

yeff
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Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby yeff » Wed Jan 20, 2010 6:33 pm

Nearly all books/sites giving advice on the personal statement caution against writing about your interest in public service/public interest/environmental repair/etc unless you have evidence (generally, work experience) to demonstrate your commitment.

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Thoms1919
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Re: My First Rough Draft - Personal Statement -

Postby Thoms1919 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:48 pm

del




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