Final Revision Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Rosebud523
Posts: 30
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 10:48 pm

Final Revision Needed

Postby Rosebud523 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:49 pm

I have gotten to the point where I am just going to submit my personal statement because it is taking me way too long, and I am only hurting myself by putting it off. I have eliminated a lot but still have some stuff I could probably take out. I can also change the wording of some sentences still. I beg anyone to take a look and edit it any way you please. I would really appreciate it!

I walked through the bare corridors with color-coded padlocked doors. The facility was fairly empty during the school day. The girls who were not in school were those in the first two weeks of the program or in segregation due to poor behavior. The silence was interrupted by a loud commotion down the hall. “Bitch I shouldn’t be in here,” she screamed as the guards dragged her into the small and empty time-out room. She pressed herself against the solitary, tiny window, glaring at us with large, vacant eyes. She kept screaming. Sometimes the staff shushed her, while other times they simply ignored her. As we walked away, her face was still pressed against the window, and she was sucking her thumb. I witnessed this teenage girl during a fieldtrip to the Indiana Juvenile Correctional Facility. My heart ached for this girl, and I could not stop thinking about how terribly I wanted to help her. That was the very moment when I made my decision to attend law school. She was one of many girls at the juvenile facility that grew up in an unstable home life with no discipline. Misbehaving was the only way she knew how to get attention. Fortunately, the caring yet structured program at the facility would help her learn how to cope and live a better life once she was released.

I strive to help others learn the means to cope with troubled lives and avoid a criminal lifestyle. There are many children and adults that need treatment and deserve a second chance. I want to defend those who will be more successful in a treatment program. Those who do not have the money or resources still deserve the best representation. (Delete?)


My undergraduate studies further honed my passion for the law in the context of criminal behavior. My major in journalism with a concentration in criminal justice, coupled with my love for writing and fascination with public relations makes me a unique candidate for the Loyola law school public service program. I dedicated myself to public relations in the health and nonprofit sector as a means of advocating for others. My concentration in criminal justice gave me the opportunity to take a variety of criminal justice classes that interested me. I always knew I wanted to be a lawyer, but these classes helped me learn the extensive process of the criminal justice system and understand exactly why I had such a strong infatuation in the law.
While I had the opportunity to pursue my passion for criminal justice, I yearned to use my writing and persuasion skills to make an impact on others. After looking for an internship junior year, I was drawn to the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I felt connected to the organization after I saw how my cousin transformed from a chubby, happy boy to a frail teenager with poor eyesight, muscle weakness and impaired speech due to a neuromuscular disease called Myasthenia Gravis. He passed away three days before his twenty-first birthday from a disease that was extremely uncommon for his age.

My internship with the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA) gave me the opportunity to utilize my strong writing and persuasion skills to advocate for a cause that I believed in as well as help those who could not advocate for themselves. MDA ensures that families affected by muscular dystrophy and other neuromuscular diseases do not have to suffer financially and can live a higher quality of life. I watched my cousin’s family struggle to afford his healthcare, and I wonder if he would still be alive if he received the proper treatment.

My title at MDA was a Regional Public Affairs Coordinator, and I was responsible for all of the public relations in the Chicago region. This position gave me an immense amount of responsibility and independence. Without the publicity and funding that I got for MDA events and the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon, MDA would not have been able to afford treatment for all of the families they help. I began work each day with an immense amount of pride and determination to succeed. I spent the day at MDA’s summer camp and was able to see how MDA impacted the lives of these children. These kids were able to leave their disabilities at home for one week and have the best time of their lives. My heart was filled with emotion as these children took my hand and showed me their arts and crafts projects and asked me to play sports adapted for their wheelchairs. This was not just an internship for me but a way for me to see how much I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives as well as how much potential I had to do so. My supervisors recognized all of my hard work and accomplishments when I was selected as the regional public affairs coordinator of the week out of all of the interns in the country.

The leadership, research and advocacy skills I developed as a journalism student are all essential skills for law school and my career as a lawyer. Although I am proud of my undergraduate accomplishments, I want a career where I can make a greater impact. As a lawyer, I can take a more active hands-on role in changing people’s lives. I believe Loyola law school will help me use my strong persuasive voice to effect change and advocate for those who need legal representation. I have an immense amount of curiosity to learn new things, and I love a challenge. I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, and my experiences thus far are a refection of my extreme motivation, compassion and drive for success. I cannot wait to start law school and continue to learn and grow into the lawyer I dream of becoming.

User avatar
existenz
Posts: 927
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 3:06 am

Re: Final Revision Needed

Postby existenz » Mon Jan 18, 2010 8:58 pm

Rosebud523 wrote:I have gotten to the point where I am just going to submit my personal statement because it is taking me way too long, and I am only hurting myself by putting it off. I have eliminated a lot but still have some stuff I could probably take out. I can also change the wording of some sentences still. I beg anyone to take a look and edit it any way you please. I would really appreciate it!

I walked through the bare corridors with color-coded padlocked doors. The facility was fairly empty during the school day. The girls who were not in school were those in the first two weeks of the program or in segregation due to poor behavior. The silence was interrupted by a loud commotion down the hall. “Bitch I shouldn’t be in here,” she screamed as the guards dragged her into the small and empty time-out room. She pressed herself against the solitary, tiny window, glaring at us with large, vacant eyes. She kept screaming. Sometimes the staff shushed her, while other times they simply ignored her. As we walked away, her face was still pressed against the window, and she was sucking her thumb. I witnessed this teenage girl during a fieldtrip to the Indiana Juvenile Correctional Facility. My heart ached for this girl, and I could not stop thinking about how terribly I wanted to help her. That was the very moment when I made my decision to attend law school. She was one of many girls at the juvenile facility that grew up in an unstable home life with no discipline. Misbehaving was the only way she knew how to get attention. Fortunately, the caring yet structured program at the facility would help her learn how to cope and live a better life once she was released.

I strive to help others learn the means to cope with troubled lives and avoid a criminal lifestyle. There are many children and adults that need treatment and deserve a second chance. I want to defend those who will be more successful in a treatment program. Those who do not have the money or resources still deserve the best representation. (Delete?)


My undergraduate studies further honed my passion for the law in the context of criminal behavior. My major in journalism with a concentration in criminal justice, coupled with my love for writing and fascination with public relations makes me a unique candidate for the Loyola law school public service program. I dedicated myself to public relations in the health and nonprofit sector as a means of advocating for others. My concentration in criminal justice gave me the opportunity to take a variety of criminal justice classes that interested me. I always knew I wanted to be a lawyer, but these classes helped me learn the extensive process of the criminal justice system and understand exactly why I had such a strong infatuation in the law.
While I had the opportunity to pursue my passion for criminal justice, I yearned to use my writing and persuasion skills to make an impact on others. After looking for an internship junior year, I was drawn to the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I felt connected to the organization after I saw how my cousin transformed from a chubby, happy boy to a frail teenager with poor eyesight, muscle weakness and impaired speech due to a neuromuscular disease called Myasthenia Gravis. He passed away three days before his twenty-first birthday from a disease that was extremely uncommon for his age.

Connect with previous paragraph-->My internship with the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA) gave me the opportunity to [strike]utilize my strong writing and persuasion skills to[/strike] advocate for a cause that I believed in [strike]as well as and help those who could not advocate for themselves[/strike]. MDA ensures that families affected by muscular dystrophy and other neuromuscular diseases do not have to suffer financially and can live a higher quality of life.[strike]I watched my cousin’s family struggle to afford his healthcare, and I wonder if he would still be alive if he received the proper treatment.[/strike]

My title at MDA was [strike]a[/strike] Regional Public Affairs Coordinator, and I was responsible for all of the public relations in the Chicago region. This position gave me an immense amount of responsibility and independence. Without the publicity and funding that I [strike]got[/strike]secured for MDA events and the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon, MDA would not have been able to afford treatment for all of the families they help. I began work each day with an immense amount of pride and determination to succeed. I spent the day at MDA’s summer camp and was able to see how MDA impacted the lives of these children. These kids were able to leave their disabilities at home for one week and have the best time of their lives. My heart was filled with emotion as these children took my hand and showed me their arts and crafts projects and asked me to play sports adapted for their wheelchairs. This was not just an internship for me but a way for me to see how much I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives as well as how much potential I had to do so. My supervisors recognized all of my hard work and accomplishments when I was selected as the regional public affairs coordinator of the week out of all of the interns in the country.

The leadership, research and advocacy skills I developed as a journalism student are all essential skills for law school and my career as a lawyer. Although I am proud of my undergraduate accomplishments, I want a career where I can make a greater impact. As a lawyer, I can take a more active hands-on role in changing people’s lives. I believe [strike]Loyola law school[/strike] Loyola Law School will help me use my [strike]strong persuasive voice[/strike] skills and experience to effect change and advocate for those who need legal representation. I have an immense amount of curiosity to learn new things, and I love a challenge. I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, and my experiences thus far are a [strike]refection[/strike] reflection of my extreme motivation, compassion and drive for success. I cannot wait to start law school and continue to learn and grow into the lawyer I dream of becoming.


My thoughts:
1. Eliminate the first three sentences. Start with "The silence..."
2. Perhaps eliminate the word "bitch" in the first paragraph? I know what you are going for (realism) but it will be off-putting to some of the adcomms who read it.
3. field trip is two words, not one
4. Loyola law school should be "Loyola Law School" (capitalized)
5. "My concentration in criminal justice gave me the opportunity to take a variety of criminal justice classes that interested me." Sounds awkward since you say "criminal justice" twice in the same sentence. Replace second one with "variety of law-related classes that interested me"
6. Maybe I'm wrong, but does "public relations" have anything to do with "public service"? I thought PR was about dealing with the media while public service has to do with volunteerism, community building, etc.
7. "I always knew I wanted to be a lawyer". Wrong. As the first paragraph makes clear, you decided to pursue law after the visit to the juvenile facility. Just start the sentence with "These classes"
8. Eliminate the last three sentences of the first paragraph. Replace with "There are many children and adults [strike]that[/strike] who need treatment and deserve a second chance. As a lawyer, I plan [strike]I want[/strike] to [strike]defend those who will be more successful in a treatment program.[/strike] become a strong advocate for such individuals."
9. "Chubby"? It may be true that your cousin was chubby, but it's not the nicest thing to say. I'd put "fit" instead.
10. Get rid of "my strong writing and persuasion skills" in 3rd-to-last paragraph. Sometimes it is good to speak of your strengths, but you overdo it here. Also, you mentioned your writing and persuasion skills in the previous paragraph.
11. Ah, hell. Future fixes in the text itself.

Final thoughts: Great final paragraph. But it was a tad odd that the essay starts with a story about juvenile criminals, but almost the entire essay then focuses on your PR work for MDA. It's almost as if you just wanted to throw everything in there. The MDA stuff is great and will look good on the resume that you submit with your law school app, but you don't have to dedicate so much time to it in your essay. Trim down one MDA paragraph, maybe add one more paragraph about your interest in criminal justice matters.

Also, I suggest submitting your app this week. Sooner the better. Good luck Rosebud!




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