Please, sentence help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
billmon
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:06 pm

Please, sentence help!

Postby billmon » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:07 am

Similar to my time in XXX and XXX, I want to go to law school to become a proactive, educated and an involved student of the law; with my background providing a wealth of benefits to the Law classroom.

Semi colon troubles

Clean water is the backbone of life, and allowing basic human needs such as education, cooking, farming and health means access to potable water is essential.

This one just feels weird.

Any help is greatly appreciated, THANKS.

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BaiAilian2013
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Joined: Sun May 03, 2009 4:05 pm

Re: Please, sentence help!

Postby BaiAilian2013 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:14 am

billmon wrote:Similar to my time in XXX and XXX, I want to go to law school to become a proactive, educated and an involved student of the law; with my background providing a wealth of benefits to the Law classroom.

Semi colon troubles

Yep, you need a comma here instead. "With... classroom" is not an independent clause. You also don't want the "an" before "involved," and "law" doesn't need to be capitalized.

billmon
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:06 pm

Re: Please, sentence help!

Postby billmon » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:19 am

Great. Any thoughts on the second sentences?

giddyfish
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Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 7:18 pm

Re: Please, sentence help!

Postby giddyfish » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:39 am

Clean water is the backbone of life, and allowing basic human needs such as education, cooking, farming and health means access to potable water is essential.

Rearrange the ideas around. Also, why are those specifically the basic human needs? What's the difference between portable and clean water? Is it the same thing? I feel that what you're trying to express is ambiguous, never mind the grammatical structure.

For the first sentence, you can replace similar to my time with likewise. Delete everything after the semicolon.

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Dany
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Re: Please, sentence help!

Postby Dany » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:46 am

What about:

Clean, potable water is the backbone of life, and it is essential to fulfilling basic human needs such as education, cooking, farming and health.

That's much cleaner and easier to read.

billmon
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:06 pm

Re: Please, sentence help!

Postby billmon » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:47 am

Perfect, I really appreciate your help!

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Dany
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Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:00 pm

Re: Please, sentence help!

Postby Dany » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:49 am

No problem, and BaiAilian2013 is correct about the first sentence.




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