40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
080910
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40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby 080910 » Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:49 pm

Deleted by Author
Last edited by 080910 on Sun Aug 08, 2010 9:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Miracle
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Re: Personal Statement - Critique needed, Willing to swap

Postby Miracle » Sun Jan 17, 2010 6:21 pm

sodennis wrote:Here is a copy of my personal statement. Please tell me what you think. E-mail me yours at funkybassyeah@yahoo.com if you need an opinion.


Without the advocacy of lawyers on behalf of my oldest sister, Sarah, she might be in a much different situation today. I don't like the ending of this sentence. It's to plain. Say something along the lines of[color=#408000] " her hard work would not be recognized in the same way as other high school students would."[/color] Sarah has a mild form of autism, and the prevailing theme of discussion around the dinner table when I was growing up was how my family could protect Sarah from discrimination. It’s been a nearly a decade since I first learned the importance of legal advocacy in protecting our citizens, and since then, I’ve learned ways in which we are striving to improve our conceptions of justice.

A problem arose for Sarah when the county in which our high school was located instituted a policy of giving children in special education classes a certificate of completion rather than a diploma upon graduating, despite the fact that many of these children fulfilled the same graduation requirements as non-special education children. My family filed a law suit against the school board, and with the help of lawyers advocating on Sarah’s behalf, the policy was overturned. This experience showed me how legal advocacy can be used to improve the lives of others. How? elaborate? Just stating it shows us nothing! Tell us!

I majored in philosophy to prepare for law school, and because I found it to be both challenging and intellectually rewarding, philosophy helped me to develop reasoning and analytic skills, as well as the ability to critically read material and write well. The most intellectually rewarding areas I studied were those concerning justice and ethics. One of those areas concerning justice that profoundly influenced my view was the capabilities approach by Martha Nussbaum, a law professor at the University of Chicago. The capabilities approach is a normative framework for social justice, in which the justness of a society is determined by whether or not individuals are afforded certain basic capabilities. Capabilities can be thought of as opportunities or freedoms, such as, the ability to participate in society or have access to employment opportunity.

It is important that Sarah be provided with the same capabilities as everyone else in order to ensure as high a quality of life that she can achieve. If Sarah was denied her diploma, the resulting effect would be reduced employment opportunities, and according to the capabilities approach, this denial would be an injustice. Although Nussbaum’s work has not been widely implemented, it has proved to be successful in the situations where it has been applied.
In our daily lives, it can be easy to forget that justice is not static. Looking through recent history, though, it is obvious that we are constantly striving to improve our conceptions of justice. This is evidenced in civil rights legislation and the Americans with Disabilities Act. Nussbaum’s capabilities approach is inspirational to me because it represents the continuing effort to improve our society’s standards of justice and equality.

My desire to pursue a career in law is the result of my combined life experiences. My family’s experience with Sarah, showed me why legal advocacy is important, and after studying philosophy I realized that without legal advocacy, we cannot uphold our ever improving conceptions of justice. Justice and equality are two things I value, and through the practice of law I will have the opportunity to advocate for others, uphold our standards of justice and equality, and positively influence the lives of others.

080910
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Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:46 pm

Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby 080910 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:54 pm

bump

meowmeow
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby meowmeow » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:04 pm

I think the Topic is good, I think you made ajump from talking about your sister to to Philospohy, it needs a better transition. Same with the 1st and second paragraph.

Maybe instead of "a problem arose for sarah,' something alongs the lines of, "I first realized the imporatance of advocacy when I saw how it can effect a family personally. When my sister was...." you get the point

I liked it, more interesting then most of them that i read

Miracle
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby Miracle » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:14 pm

meowmeow wrote:I think the Topic is good, I think you made ajump from talking about your sister to to Philospohy, it needs a better transition. Same with the 1st and second paragraph.

Maybe instead of "a problem arose for sarah,' something alongs the lines of, "I first realized the imporatance of advocacy when I saw how it can effect a family personally. When my sister was...." you get the point

I liked it, more interesting then most of them that i read


totally agree!

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fonzerelli
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby fonzerelli » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:20 pm

It's a good, personal story. It would be complemented even better if you received a rec letter from Martha Nussbaum. Have you tried - did you get one from her? In any case, it's a bit risky because all of your chips are resting on the hope that the adcomms are sufficiently compelled by your relatively singular story/implied motivation. I would consider adding more diverse examples of what drives you to law. Cast a wider net.

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chicoalto0649
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:21 pm

Please tell me you did not put the "funky bass yeah" email address on your law school apps....

080910
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby 080910 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:25 pm

Deleted by author
Last edited by 080910 on Sun Aug 08, 2010 10:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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chicoalto0649
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:27 pm

sodennis wrote:
chicoalto0649 wrote:Please tell me you did not put the "funky bass yeah" email address on your law school apps....



Lol no, thats just my alt-email. Didn't want to post my main/personal one on internet bulletin boards :D



I liked your personal statement but do not have anything substantive to add, other than it is getting late and you should try to put a wrap on your PS as soon as possible.


HTH

alohashoyu
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Re: 40 views and one response? Pretty please, please help!

Postby alohashoyu » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:31 pm

Without the advocacy of lawyers on behalf of my oldest sister Sarah, she might be in a much different situation today. Sarah has a mild form of autism, and as I was growing up, the prevailing theme of discussion around the dinner table was how my family could protect Sarah from discrimination. It’s been a nearly a decade since I first learned the importance of legal advocacy in protecting our citizens, and since then, I’ve learned ways in which we are striving to improve our conceptions of justice.

A problem arose for Sarah when the county in which our high school was located instituted a policy of giving children in special education classes a certificate of completion rather than a diploma upon graduating, despite the fact that many of these children fulfilled the same graduation requirements as non-special education children. My family filed a law suit against the school board, and with the help of lawyers advocating on Sarah’s behalf, the policy was overturned. This experience showed me how legal advocacy can be used to improve the lives of others.

I majored in philosophy to prepare for law school [strike]and[/strike]because I found it to be both challenging and intellectually rewarding. Philosophy helped me to develop reasoning and analytical skills, as well as the ability to critically read material and to write well. The most intellectually rewarding areas I studied were those concerning justice and ethics. One of the areas concerning justice that profoundly influenced my views was the capabilities approach by Martha Nussbaum, a law professor at the University of Chicago. The capabilities approach is a normative framework for social justice, in which the justness of a society is determined by whether or not individuals are afforded certain basic capabilities. Capabilities can be thought of as opportunities or freedoms, such as the ability to participate in society or to have access to employment opportunity.

It is important that Sarah be provided with the same capabilities as everyone else in order to ensure as high a quality of life that she can achieve. If Sarah had been (Keep this had been, not was, because it's conditional) denied her diploma, the resulting effect would be reduced employment opportunities. [strike]and[/strike] According to the capabilities approach, this denial would be an injustice. [strike]Although Nussbaum’s work has not been widely implemented, it has proved to be successful in the situations where it has been applied[/strike]. [i](I think in the interest of keeping the structure logical, you need to either take out this sentence or put it at the end of the paragraph)[/i] In our daily lives, it can be easy to forget that justice is not static. Looking through recent history, though, it is obvious that we are constantly striving to improve our conceptions of justice. This is evidenced in civil rights legislation and the Americans with Disabilities Act. Nussbaum’s capabilities approach is inspirational to me because it represents the continuing effort to improve our society’s standards of justice and equality.

My desire to pursue a career in law is the result of my combined life experiences. My family’s experience with Sarah showed me why legal advocacy is important; and after studying philosophy, I realized that without legal advocacy we cannot uphold our ever improving conceptions of justice. Justice and equality are two things I value, and through the practice of law I will have the opportunity to advocate for others, uphold [strike]our[/strike] standards of justice and equality, and positively influence the lives of others.

It's good. You had a few grammar errors and misplaced commas, but other than that it was well written, grammatically. I agree with the other poster about the need for better transitions, and a more coherent organization. You jump around to your sister, to Nussbaum, back to your sister, to the larger picture about justice and Nussbaum- pick one of these to be a bigger theme throughout. You lightly touch on both topics without really making a strong argument for either. Which of these truly drove you to pursue law? Your sister or Nussbaum? I think it would strengthen the paper enormously if you were to place a bigger focus on your sister, and evaluate that experience within the framework of the capabilities approach. Either way, good luck!




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