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alisyn313 wrote:Thank you in advance....I am thinking about adding more about myself to the second paragraph and what was going on with me at that time.

“The twins are here.” This was what was spoken each time my sister, my brother, and I entered my grandparents’ home. (awkward phrasing) Although I was the youngest child, my sister and brother, who are 15 months older than me, are twins. Yet, whenever the three of us were together, we were addressed as “the twins.” My family would just conjoin us together as if I were never born separately or as if “twins” somehow equaled “triplets.” This adage was fine with me since my brother Shauwn and I were like twins. Plus he was left back in the first grade so he and I were in the same grade, which meant we were always together. (unnecessary, you'll establish how close you are later without this extraneous detail...remember, your PS should be about YOU) Growing up from grade school to high school, we had the same friends, the same homework, and got into the same kind of trouble together. I felt as if nothing would ever change our close friendship but just as teenage years can affect the relationships between parent and child (comma) they can also have that same effect between siblings. (that same effect as what? you never specify an effect other than its existence)

As a teenager, Shauwn decided to leave home and join the army, and as a result, he and I became estranged. Subsequently, while in the army, Shauwn was working long hours with no sleep, which eventually triggered his first manic episode. Shortly after being put on lockdown, he was diagnosed with bipolar and schizoaffective disorder. While my brother was going through all of his anguish, I was having motivational concerns of my own. After leaving high school in the 11th grade, I decided to get my GED and began working odd jobs. After three years of going from job to job I realized that I was destined for more in my life. My life did not have much guidance when I found out about my brother’s illness but now his illness was pushing me into a new direction in my life that would change me for the better. (awk phrasing) I was now interested in the plight of people like him.

It was at this time in my life that I became interested in the field of psychology and so I turned my attention towards college. While in my psychology courses, the professors and textbooks painted a vivid picture of the obstacles and tortuous lives of people with mental illnesses. Sadly, I was witnessing Shauwn going through all of the same onerous dilemmas of a textbook mentally ill person. It was stated one day in class that over 90% of homeless people are mentally ill and as I stared at the textbook’s picture example of “a mentally ill homeless person with schizophrenia,” I wanted to cry. With such a staggeringly high number of people being troubled by mental illness and homelessness, I believed my professors or textbooks would provide me with information or policies that would aid those suffering from mental illness. Unfortunately, there was none, at least not expressed in my textbooks and to my professors’ knowledge. Even my mother, who is a doctor of medicine, had issues when it came to helping my brother through the mental health system. Shortly after my brother was diagnosed, my mother tried to get Shauwn adequate housing and therapy but her attempts were unsuccessful. This was when I decided to put my problem-solving skills to work. I discovered that I had a talent for helping people make “a way” out of “no way.” I determined that although my brother had been discharged from the army due to his mental illness, that he was still eligible for Veteran disability benefits. As I advocated for Shauwn in the battle for his disability benefits, I began to inquire a passion for negotiation and dealing with disputes. I felt an overwhelming sense of achievement when his aid came through 14 months later. He was now able to pay for his medication, housing, and therapy. Without this aid, he would have been another statistic in the mental health world.

It is my ambition to encourage Shauwn and others like him that being diagnosed with a mental illness does not automatically deem them dispensable human beings or unworthy of support. I was passionate about the field of psychology but ultimately came to a decision that my problem-solving abilities and strengths would be better suited for a career in law. Directly helping people like my brother in their advancement for their natural legal rights will bring fulfillment to my professional and personal goals. In closing, I believe that my undergraduate education and my personal experiences will greatly assist me in my ability to provide responsive support for those who cannot gain it on their own. My intent to be an advocate for the mentally ill has been shaped by people who are important and close to me and with this motivation I hope to make an enormous change and embark upon a new path of policy decision-making in America for the mentally ill. (awkward repetition of "for the mentally ill" in the same sentence)

Laina wrote:I thought the content was good, I agree 100% that it needs to be more about you. Go through each and every sentence and make sure it's completely necessary, compelling, and adds to your overall thesis. Remember that they read 1000s of these, and you want it to be completely clear what it is you are trying to get across about yourself.

And awkward is a favorite of mine, yes...other appropriate adjectives for those sentences: clunky, overworked, lacking in brevity. Awkward just seemed to sum it up.