I really want to get my apps out -- Please take a look!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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I really want to get my apps out -- Please take a look!

Postby DukeHopeful » Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:32 am

Ok, so I've rewritten my personal statement several times because each time I write one, I tend to get the response that although it was well-written, it did not do much to really shed light on me as a person and what makes me different. The suggestion of a particular class that I enjoyed was given, and the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I could write a personal statement about something that I really was passionate about. The business law class I took my junior year is what convinced me that law school really was what I wanted. I hope that my enthusiasm comes across in this PS, and if not I'm hoping to get some feedback to make sure it does. Any suggestions would really be appreciated!

Also, the professor that I write about is someone who I have become good friends with and whom I have really developed a mentor relationship with. What I consider my best letter of recommendation comes from him and supports the sentiments expressed in this statement. Is this beneficial, or is having a personal statement that discusses in depth what is mentioned in a letter a waste of opportunity to say something else about me?

BTW, some particular questions I have are whether or not it focuses on my entrepreneurial experiences enough and whether or not this actually shows why I would be a good choice for an admit.

Here it is:

Parents, grandparents, and high school guidance counselors often talk about the value of a college education and the subsequent doors it opens. This can mean many things, and for me, the greatest value I received was not one that I had been expecting. Taking Legal Environment of Business in my junior year gave me an entirely new perspective from which to view my future. In my business law course, I was presented with a confluence of two of my greatest passions, business and argument. I zealously delved into the subject and was rewarded with an exciting field new to me that I genuinely enjoyed.

Logical reasoning has always intrigued me. The specific technical nature is what really appeals to me, where building an argument involves not only building factual support but structural support as well. The complexity of the task makes it difficult, and that makes a successful argument that much more rewarding. To compose a good logical argument, the ability to analyze a situation and fully understand it is crucial. Having a great appreciation for the precision of language, I value the fact that seemingly minor word changes can have such a large impact on the outcome of an argument. Without realizing it, I have been conditioning myself throughout my life for this type of debate. Though it never did keep me from “time-out”, I never failed as a child to challenge my mother over any minor discrepancies in the rules I was given and my consequent transgressions. Because I have always enjoyed a good debate, and rarely pass on an opportunity for a good-spirited discussion, family and friends have been telling me from a young age that I was destined to become a lawyer.

I, on the other hand, had other plans. I have always been interested in business, from the time I began as an entrepreneur at fourteen to helping support my college education with my own internet sales venture. The challenge that lies in researching and developing a business model parallels constructing a thorough argument, essentially seeking to prove the viability of the business. The quest of starting said business and succeeding in proving the argument correct generates a thrill for me not unlike the rush of adrenaline a skydiver gets falling through the sky. I believe now that I appreciated most the opportunity to tackle the argument behind each endeavor I have gone after.

My original goal was to go into business following my graduation from college, hoping to start small and through hard work and a great deal of luck, amass a business empire. However, as I sat in the early days of Legal Environment of Business, I listened intently to Professor **** talk about his experiences as a partner at Shearman & Sterling, LLP and the work that he had done and I became more and more convinced that business law was what I really wanted to do. As part of our study, Professor **** would create hypothetical situations that resembled actual work he had done that we then analyzed. I was captivated by the notion that seemingly minute details could play such a pivotal role in the outcome of an argument, and I devoted lots of time to understanding the situations. I loved how a single word, or the omission of a particular word, could negate what otherwise might be a flawless argument. Here, I was presented with a myriad of opportunities to take a business issue and perfect an argument leading to its resolution. In effect, each new situation presented me with an opportunity to experience the rush of constructing an argument and sifting through its various consequences on business operations.

I immersed myself in the course and emerged with not just the highest grade of either of my professor’s sections that semester but with a real desire to pursue a career that would afford me the pleasure and challenge in analyzing business issues and elucidating a valid resolution. Business law provides me with a combination of my appreciation for language precision, analytical and logical reasoning, and my passion for business. All of those parents, grandparents, and high school guidance counselors who discuss the merits of a college education also claim that if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life. I look forward to a joyful and fulfilling career.


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Re: I really want to get my apps out -- Please take a look!

Postby tram988 » Sat Jan 16, 2010 11:33 am

Sorry-- I really didn't like this. I learned nothing personal about you except your fascination with logic and business. Is this REALLY the side you want to be presenting to the admissions counselors?

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Re: I really want to get my apps out -- Please take a look!

Postby JordynAsh » Sat Jan 16, 2010 11:42 am

tram988 wrote:Sorry-- I really didn't like this. I learned nothing personal about you except your fascination with logic and business. Is this REALLY the side you want to be presenting to the admissions counselors?

+1. A bit boring and definitely not personal enough.

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