Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

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jjones73
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 11:48 am

Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby jjones73 » Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:51 pm

I have edited this quite a bit based on earlier feedback and taken some things out. It is still a little long though. I was wondering if I should take out the paragraph about my current work since I feel I may be hitting on too many topics. Please be brutal. I am hoping to turn in on Monday.

Lessons Learned

The sounds of the helicopter taking off and sirens blaring were a faint whisper, drowned out by my swirling emotions. While riding in the speeding car to the emergency room, I fought to stave off panic. I rode in silence, barely hearing the reassurances of the people around me. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and sister, my father was lying lifeless on the gurney. He had been caring for a new-born calf on our farm when she charged him, pinning him against the wall of the barn. Stat-flight could not make it to the hospital in time. The autopsy proved massive internal hemorrhaging as the cause of death. My sister and I had stood at the front of the barn, helpless to do anything to save our father. The sobering realization of mortality had suddenly hit me. As I look back on that devastating moment in my life, I remember well the lessons learned from my father.

Spending my summer breaks working in the blistering summer heat was not the life I had imagined for myself when I was ten years old. My father, a second generation carpenter, had insisted that I spend my time away from school learning the value of a hard day's work. I despised him for it. I was awakened every day at five in the morning to begin the work day. Three dollars an hour is the price that my father thought was fair to take away my escape from the monotony of school. My job consisted of the menial tasks required by the construction industry. I swept the floors, picked up scrap wood, moved seemingly never-ending piles of lumber, and eventually learned to drive a nail without painfully smashing a finger. The value of this work, my father told me, I would see later in life. I grew to resent the days that I had to wake up before the sun rose to go to work when my friends were busy having fun. It was at that point that I set the goal for myself to pursue a college education. An education would provide me the opportunity to no longer work fifty hour weeks for minimal pay. It was a gateway that could lead to better things if I worked hard enough.

By the time I was fourteen I had spent every break I had from school working for my father. Most the money I earned went into a savings account for my college education. My attitude toward what I once thought of as indentured servitude had changed. Conquering the steep learning curve imposed by the construction industry was a challenge at first, but I faced it with a sense of purpose. Menial tasks were still part of my job repertoire, but I had learned to manage my time so that I could help with more skilled tasks. With my goal of education at the forefront of my thoughts, working during my summer breaks was something I came to look forward to. My work ethic began to mirror that of my father. After working long days framing new estate homes, we would come home to work that had to be done on our family farm. A "day off" was a term that was foreign in my family. The closest thing we had to a break was when my family enrolled in the local 4-H program. Every Monday night we would load the horses in our cramped two-horse trailer and make the forty-five minute journey to the county fairgrounds. Clinics on horsemanship were given by local experts who volunteered their time. I continuously practiced the new skills I learned and was soon hosting clinics under the direction of my club leader.

The opportunity arose two years later to become a Junior Leader in the organization. This position led me to being able to mentor younger members as well as have a voice in the organization. I took on, the responsibility of constructing a fund raising campaign for the club that would also help better the community. The difficulty of the task did not go underestimated, but I was determined to create a program that reflected my true abilities. Staring into the face of this daunting challenge, 4-H Trash Day was born. I secured funding for the organization by approaching local businesses to ask for donations. This proved to be a vital fundraising campaign for the financially struggling club and each year more businesses were added to the donor list. Seeing the result of my efforts was rewarding and within two years the club had accumulated enough capital to build a new barn on the fairgrounds. Being a mentor to younger members was the most rewarding experience that I had during my time with 4-H. I was able to coach the members of the club through the clinics that I ran. I also helped to influence these young members to become contributing members of society by showing them the value in hard work and dedication. Watching their excitement as they mastered new skills was a powerful influence for me to continue to my education.

Determined not the let the lessons learned from my father be in vain, I graduated high school with honors. The financial burden imposed by being raised by a single, uneducated mother limited my options for gaining a college education. Exhausting every available resource, I worked diligently to apply for every scholarship that I qualified for. My perseverance and hard work paid off. Soon, I was attending Indiana State University majoring in aviation. The money I had saved working for my father and during high school was quickly drained on the expensive flight fees that my scholarships did not pay for. I took on a part-time job working thirty-six hours per week to pay for my flight time and cost of living. Balancing my work schedule with studying proved to be an intricate process. Learning to manage my time was crucial. After spending my freshman year in cramped two-seater airplanes I realized that aviation was not my calling. The aviation industry was in a downward spiral and I felt the risk involved in continuing my education in that area was not the in my best interest. The next year I changed my major to business where I could build upon the knowledge that I received from my father. Enrolling in summer classes allowed me to graduate on time three years later.

In the three years since my undergraduate course work, I have been working for a financial corporation underwriting loans. The pressure to perform in a sales based environment has given me thick skin. Hard work and the ability to surmount obstacles, to think through problems, and develop feasible solutions for customers are necessary. Being a loan officer in today’s environment is a bit of a tightrope walk. New policies are brought into effect every day and I must constantly re-educate myself. Last year I was asked by my manager to create a new solicitation program in order to generate business from our current customer portfolio. Working in coordination with our legal and marketing departments, I was able to develop a program that has increased the branch revenue two percent since its inception. Despite the challenges presented by my current position, I feel that my abilities are still underutilized. Law school would offer the challenge that I want while giving me valuable expertise needed to offer my services to those in need.

As I prepare to create the next chapter in my life, I look back without regret. Each struggle that I have overcome has built upon the foundation of who I am. The lessons that I have taken from these experiences will help me with the rigors of law school. I am well aware of the challenges presented by enrollment in law school, and I look forward to facing them head-on. The adversity that I have overcome has been a constant uphill battle, but I continue to look to the future with the hope of creating a better opportunity for myself and my family. The values that my father bestowed upon me have not withered away in time. They have served to make me the strong, passionate, driven individual that I am today. I do not have to wonder if I would make him proud. I know I would.

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Dany
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Re: Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby Dany » Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:14 pm

First of all, it's way too long. I didn't read the whole thing, you've GOT to get it down to two pages, double spaced.

jjones73 wrote:I have edited this quite a bit based on earlier feedback and taken some things out. It is still a little long though. I was wondering if I should take out the paragraph about my current work since I feel I may be hitting on too many topics. Please be brutal. I am hoping to turn in on Monday.

Lessons Learned

[strike]The sounds of the helicopter taking off and sirens blaring were a faint whisper, drowned out by my swirling emotions. While riding in the speeding car to the emergency room, I fought to stave off panic. I rode in silence, barely hearing the reassurances of the people around me. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and sister, my father was lying lifeless on the gurney. He had been caring for a new-born calf on our farm when she charged him, pinning him against the wall of the barn. Stat-flight could not make it to the hospital in time. The autopsy proved massive internal hemorrhaging as the cause of death. My sister and I had stood at the front of the barn, helpless to do anything to save our father. The sobering realization of mortality had suddenly hit me. As I look back on that devastating moment in my life, I remember well the lessons learned from my father.[/strike] [I would cut this paragraph - it's very grisly and a bit disturbing, and adcomms are sick of people trying to "shock" them into attention. This paragraph does not directly affect why you are applying to law school - obviously, your father is a lot of the reason, but a play-by-play of his death is not necessary.]

Spending my summer breaks working in the blistering summer heat was not the life I had imagined for myself when I was ten years old. My father, a second generation carpenter, had insisted that I spend my time away from school learning the value of a hard day's work. [This confuses me. Did you drop out of school for work? Or were your breaks from school spent working? You need to clarify.] I despised him for it. I [strike]was awakened[/strike] woke up every day at five [strike]in the morning[/strike] to begin the work day. [strike]Three dollars an hour is the price that[/strike]my father thought three dollars an hour was fair to take away my escape from the monotony of school [This makes no sense. "Take away my escape from..." Did he take you away from school, or provide you an escape from? If he takes away your escape, then you're at school, not working. Again, clarify.] My job consisted of the menial tasks required by the construction industry. I swept the floors, picked up scrap wood, moved[strike]seemingly[/strike]never-ending piles of lumber, and [strike]eventually[/strike] learned to drive a nail without [strike]painfully[/strike] smashing a finger. The value of this work, my father told me, I would see later in life. I grew to resent the days that I had to wake up before the sun rose to go to work when my friends were busy having fun. It was at that point that I set the goal for myself to pursue a college education. An education would provide me the opportunity to no longer work fifty hour weeks for minimal pay. It was a gateway that could lead to better things if I worked hard enough.

[strike]By the time I was fourteen I had spent every break[strike] I had[/strike] from school working for my father. Most the money I earned went into a savings account for my college education. My attitude toward what I once thought of as indentured servitude had changed. Conquering the steep learning curve imposed by the construction industry was a challenge at first, but I faced it with a sense of purpose. Menial tasks were still part of my job repertoire, but I had learned to manage my time so that I could help with more skilled tasks. With my goal of education at the forefront of my thoughts, working during my summer breaks was something I came to look forward to. My work ethic began to mirror that of my father. After working long days framing new estate homes, we would come home to work that had to be done on our family farm. A "day off" was a term that was foreign in my family. The closest thing we had to a break was when my family enrolled in the local 4-H program. Every Monday night we would load the horses in our cramped two-horse trailer and make the forty-five minute journey to the county fairgrounds. Clinics on horsemanship were given by local experts who volunteered their time. I continuously practiced the new skills I learned and was soon hosting clinics under the direction of my club leader.

[strike]The opportunity arose two years later to become a Junior Leader in the organization. This position led me to being able to mentor younger members as well as have a voice in the organization. I took on, the responsibility of constructing a fund raising campaign for the club that would also help better the community. The difficulty of the task did not go underestimated, but I was determined to create a program that reflected my true abilities. Staring into the face of this daunting challenge, 4-H Trash Day was born. I secured funding for the organization by approaching local businesses to ask for donations. This proved to be a vital fundraising campaign for the financially struggling club and each year more businesses were added to the donor list. Seeing the result of my efforts was rewarding and within two years the club had accumulated enough capital to build a new barn on the fairgrounds. Being a mentor to younger members was the most rewarding experience that I had during my time with 4-H. I was able to coach the members of the club through the clinics that I ran. I also helped to influence these young members to become contributing members of society by showing them the value in hard work and dedication. Watching their excitement as they mastered new skills was a powerful influence for me to continue to my education.[/strike] [I would cut all of the 4-H stuff out. High school leadership really isn't important. Also, 45 minutes isn't really a 'journey.']

Determined not the let the lessons learned from my father be in vain, I graduated high school with honors. The financial burden imposed by being raised by a single, uneducated mother limited my options for gaining a college education. Exhausting every available resource, I [strike]worked diligently to apply[/strike] applied for every scholarship that I qualified for. [Do not end a sentence with a prepostion. Reword this.] My perseverance and hard work paid off. Soon, I was attending Indiana State University majoring in aviation. The money I had saved working for my father and during high school was quickly drained on the expensive flight fees that my scholarships did not pay for. I took on a part-time job working thirty-six hours per week to pay for my flight time and cost of living. Balancing my work schedule with studying proved to be an intricate process. [strike]Learning to manage my time was crucial.[/strike] After spending my freshman year in cramped two-seater airplanes I realized that aviation was not my calling. The aviation industry was in a downward spiral and I felt the risk involved in continuing my education in that area was not the in my best interest. The next year I changed my major to business where I could build upon the knowledge that I received from my father. Enrolling in summer classes allowed me to graduate on time three years later. [Wait, you didn't end up doing aviation? Why did you spend 3/4 of a paragraph detailing it, then? Cut out all of the aviation parts.]

In the three years since my undergraduate course work, I have been working for a financial corporation underwriting loans. The pressure to perform in a sales based environment has given me thick skin. Hard work and the ability to surmount obstacles, to think through problems, and develop feasible solutions for customers are necessary. Being a loan officer in today’s environment is a bit of a tightrope walk. New policies are brought into effect every day and I must constantly re-educate myself. Last year I was asked by my manager to create a new solicitation program in order to generate business from our current customer portfolio. Working in coordination with our legal and marketing departments, I was able to develop a program that has increased the branch revenue two percent since its inception. Despite the challenges presented by my current position, I feel that my abilities are still underutilized. Law school would offer the challenge that I want while giving me valuable expertise needed to offer my services to those in need.

As I prepare to create the next chapter in my life, I look back without regret. Each struggle that I have overcome has built upon the foundation of who I am. The lessons that I have taken from these experiences will help me with the rigors of law school. I am well aware of the challenges presented by enrollment in law school, and I look forward to facing them head-on. The adversity that I have overcome has been a constant uphill battle, but I continue to look to the future with the hope of creating a better opportunity for myself and my family. The values that my father bestowed upon me have not withered away in time. They have served to make me the strong, passionate, driven individual that I am today. I do not have to wonder if I would make him proud. I know I would.


I didn't read the last two paragraphs. You still have some serious editing to do. It is kind of rambling, and doesn't provide one coherent thought on WHY you will be a successful law student. Also, you need to work on your writing style. Often, two sentences back-to-back would say exactly the same thing. You also need to cut out the majority of adverbs. If you're using an adverb + a verb EVERY time, you're not using the right verbs. [i.e. 'jogged quickly' = 'ran'] Your writing needs to be succinct and clear. I will look over this again after edits are made, but as it stands, I would NOT submit this rough draft.

And really, you've got to get it down to two pages (double spaced.)

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existenz
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Re: Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby existenz » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:22 pm

jjones73 wrote:I have edited this quite a bit based on earlier feedback and taken some things out. It is still a little long though. I was wondering if I should take out the paragraph about my current work since I feel I may be hitting on too many topics. Please be brutal. I am hoping to turn in on Monday.

Lessons Learned

The sounds of the helicopter taking off and sirens blaring were a faint whisper, drowned out by my swirling emotions. While riding in the speeding car to the emergency room, I fought to stave off panic. I rode in silence, barely hearing the reassurances of the people around me. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and sister, my father was lying lifeless on the gurney. He had been caring for a new-born calf on our farm when she charged him, pinning him against the wall of the barn. Stat-flight could not make it to the hospital in time. The autopsy proved massive internal hemorrhaging as the cause of death. My sister and I had stood at the front of the barn, helpless to do anything to save our father. The sobering realization of mortality had suddenly hit me. As I look back on that devastating moment in my life, I remember well the lessons learned from my father.

Spending my summer breaks working in the blistering summer heat was not the life I had imagined for myself when I was ten years old. My father, a second generation carpenter, had insisted that I spend my time away from school learning the value of a hard day's work. I despised him for it. I was awakened every day at five in the morning to begin the work day. Three dollars an hour is the price that my father thought was fair to take away my escape from the monotony of school. My job consisted of the menial tasks required by the construction industry. I swept the floors, picked up scrap wood, moved seemingly never-ending piles of lumber, and eventually learned to drive a nail without painfully smashing a finger. The value of this work, my father told me, I would see later in life. I grew to resent the days that I had to wake up before the sun rose to go to work when my friends were busy having fun. It was at that point that I set the goal for myself to pursue a college education. An education would provide me the opportunity to no longer work fifty hour weeks for minimal pay. It was a gateway that could lead to better things if I worked hard enough.

[strike]By the time I was fourteen I had spent every break I had from school working for my father. Most the money I earned went into a savings account for my college education. My attitude toward what I once thought of as indentured servitude had changed. Conquering the steep learning curve imposed by the construction industry was a challenge at first, but I faced it with a sense of purpose. Menial tasks were still part of my job repertoire, but I had learned to manage my time so that I could help with more skilled tasks. With my goal of education at the forefront of my thoughts, working during my summer breaks was something I came to look forward to. My work ethic began to mirror that of my father. After working long days framing new estate homes, we would come home to work that had to be done on our family farm. A "day off" was a term that was foreign in my family. The closest thing we had to a break was when my family enrolled in the local 4-H program. Every Monday night we would load the horses in our cramped two-horse trailer and make the forty-five minute journey to the county fairgrounds. Clinics on horsemanship were given by local experts who volunteered their time. I continuously practiced the new skills I learned and was soon hosting clinics under the direction of my club leader.

The opportunity arose two years later to become a Junior Leader in the organization. This position led me to being able to mentor younger members as well as have a voice in the organization. I took on, the responsibility of constructing a fund raising campaign for the club that would also help better the community. The difficulty of the task did not go underestimated, but I was determined to create a program that reflected my true abilities. Staring into the face of this daunting challenge, 4-H Trash Day was born. I secured funding for the organization by approaching local businesses to ask for donations. This proved to be a vital fundraising campaign for the financially struggling club and each year more businesses were added to the donor list. Seeing the result of my efforts was rewarding and within two years the club had accumulated enough capital to build a new barn on the fairgrounds. Being a mentor to younger members was the most rewarding experience that I had during my time with 4-H. I was able to coach the members of the club through the clinics that I ran. I also helped to influence these young members to become contributing members of society by showing them the value in hard work and dedication. Watching their excitement as they mastered new skills was a powerful influence for me to continue to my education.[/strike]
Determined not the let the lessons learned from my father be in vain, I graduated high school with honors. The financial burden imposed by being raised by a single, uneducated mother limited my options for gaining a college education. Exhausting every available resource, I worked diligently to apply for every scholarship that I qualified for. My perseverance and hard work paid off. Soon, I was attending Indiana State University majoring in aviation. The money I had saved working for my father and during high school was quickly drained on the expensive flight fees that my scholarships did not pay for. I took on a part-time job working thirty-six hours per week to pay for my flight time and cost of living. Balancing my work schedule with studying proved to be an intricate process. Learning to manage my time was crucial. After spending my freshman year in cramped two-seater airplanes I realized that aviation was not my calling. The aviation industry was in a downward spiral and I felt the risk involved in continuing my education in that area was not the in my best interest. The next year I changed my major to business where I could build upon the knowledge that I received from my father. Enrolling in summer classes allowed me to graduate on time three years later.

In the three years since my undergraduate course work, I have been working for a financial corporation underwriting loans. The pressure to perform in a sales based environment has given me thick skin. Hard work and the ability to surmount obstacles, to think through problems, and develop feasible solutions for customers are necessary. Being a loan officer in today’s environment is a bit of a tightrope walk. New policies are brought into effect every day and I must constantly re-educate myself. Last year I was asked by my manager to create a new solicitation program in order to generate business from our current customer portfolio. Working in coordination with our legal and marketing departments, I was able to develop a program that has increased the branch revenue two percent since its inception. Despite the challenges presented by my current position, I feel that my abilities are still underutilized. Law school would offer the challenge that I want while giving me valuable expertise needed to offer my services to those in need.

As I prepare to create the next chapter in my life, I look back without regret. Each struggle that I have overcome has built upon the foundation of who I am. The lessons that I have taken from these experiences will help me with the rigors of law school. I am well aware of the challenges presented by enrollment in law school, and I look forward to facing them head-on. The adversity that I have overcome has been a constant uphill battle, but I continue to look to the future with the hope of creating a better opportunity for myself and my family. The values that my father bestowed upon me have not withered away in time. They have served to make me the strong, passionate, driven individual that I am today. I do not have to wonder if I would make him proud. I know I would.


I disagree with the previous poster about eliminating the first paragraph. I do wish that you went a bit more in-depth to what your father taught you. I get that he taught you the value of hard work, but that feels a tad generic. That said, still a very moving and sad story. I can't imagine dealing with such a tragedy.

I eliminated those two middle paragraphs about 4-H Trash Day because they are really beside the point. The essay is too long as-is, those paragraphs can be cut without any problem.

Overall, pretty good writing. But as with some good writers, you occasionally allow yourself to go overboard with too much description, too many words, etc. This doesn't have to be an autobiography. The essay is fine, but in the future keep things succinct and to the point.

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Dany
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Re: Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby Dany » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:47 pm

But what does how his father died have to say about him, as an applicant? Yes, it's very moving, and I am incredibly sorry for OP's loss. However, you have to realize: SO MANY APPLICANTS write about losing a loved one, tragedy, etc. At some point, adcomms don't want to hear another downer PS. Believe me, a well-written, coherent personal statement will have much better results than one that tries to garner sympathy from people who read about this stuff all day long.

Writing about your father's effect on you, your diligence, and passion for academics will get you MUCH farther than describing a terrible event that happened to you that really doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the story. Mentioning that your father passed away is fine, but a whole paragraph complete with the play-by-play of how it happened really is overkill.

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existenz
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Re: Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby existenz » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:53 pm

I guess I didn't find it that grisly. And I'm not a adcomm so I don't see these stories all the time. Perhaps he could trim out some of the details of his father's death and throw in some info about how this was the moment he decided to become a man that his dad would be proud of. But getting rid of the entire paragraph seems overboard to me.

And yes, well-written and coherent wins over a rambling tearjerker any day. I agree with you on that.

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chicoalto0649
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Re: Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby chicoalto0649 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:05 pm

jjones73 wrote:I have edited this quite a bit based on earlier feedback and taken some things out. It is still a little long though. I was wondering if I should take out the paragraph about my current work since I feel I may be hitting on too many topics. Please be brutal. I am hoping to turn in on Monday.

Lessons Learned

The sounds of the helicopter taking off and sirens blaring were a faint whisper, drowned out by my swirling emotions. While riding in the speeding car to the emergency room, I fought to stave off panic. I rode in silence, barely hearing the reassurances of the people around me. When I arrived at the hospital with my mother and sister, my father was lying lifeless on the gurney. He had been caring for a new-born calf on our farm when she charged him, pinning him against the wall of the barn. Stat-flight could not make it to the hospital in time. The autopsy proved massive internal hemorrhaging as the cause of death. My sister and I had stood at the front of the barn, helpless to do anything to save our father. The sobering realization of mortality had suddenly hit me. As I look back on that devastating moment in my life, I remember well the lessons learned from my father.

Spending my summer breaks working in the blistering summer heat was not the life I had imagined for myself when I was ten years old. My father, a second generation carpenter, had insisted that I spend my time away from school learning the value of a hard day's work. I despised him for it. I was awakened every day at five in the morning to begin the work day. Three dollars an hour is the price that my father thought was fair to take away my escape from the monotony of school. My job consisted of the menial tasks required by the construction industry. I swept the floors, picked up scrap wood, moved seemingly never-ending piles of lumber, and eventually learned to drive a nail without painfully smashing a finger. The value of this work, my father told me, I would see later in life. I grew to resent the days that I had to wake up before the sun rose to go to work when my friends were busy having fun. It was at that point that I set the goal for myself to pursue a college education. An education would provide me the opportunity to no longer work fifty hour weeks for minimal pay. It was a gateway that could lead to better things if I worked hard enough.

By the time I was fourteen I had spent every break I had from school working for my father. Most the money I earned went into a savings account for my college education. My attitude toward what I once thought of as indentured servitude had changed. Conquering the steep learning curve imposed by the construction industry was a challenge at first, but I faced it with a sense of purpose. Menial tasks were still part of my job repertoire, but I had learned to manage my time so that I could help with more skilled tasks. With my goal of education at the forefront of my thoughts, working during my summer breaks was something I came to look forward to. My work ethic began to mirror that of my father. After working long days framing new estate homes, we would come home to work that had to be done on our family farm. A "day off" was a term that was foreign in my family. The closest thing we had to a break was when my family enrolled in the local 4-H program. Every Monday night we would load the horses in our cramped two-horse trailer and make the forty-five minute journey to the county fairgrounds. Clinics on horsemanship were given by local experts who volunteered their time. I continuously practiced the new skills I learned and was soon hosting clinics under the direction of my club leader.

The opportunity arose two years later to become a Junior Leader in the organization. This position led me to being able to mentor younger members as well as have a voice in the organization. I took on, the responsibility of constructing a fund raising campaign for the club that would also help better the community. The difficulty of the task did not go underestimated, but I was determined to create a program that reflected my true abilities. Staring into the face of this daunting challenge, 4-H Trash Day was born. I secured funding for the organization by approaching local businesses to ask for donations. This proved to be a vital fundraising campaign for the financially struggling club and each year more businesses were added to the donor list. Seeing the result of my efforts was rewarding and within two years the club had accumulated enough capital to build a new barn on the fairgrounds. Being a mentor to younger members was the most rewarding experience that I had during my time with 4-H. I was able to coach the members of the club through the clinics that I ran. I also helped to influence these young members to become contributing members of society by showing them the value in hard work and dedication. Watching their excitement as they mastered new skills was a powerful influence for me to continue to my education.

Determined not the let the lessons learned from my father be in vain, I graduated high school with honors.
The financial burden imposed by being raised by a single, uneducated mother limited my options for gaining a college education. Exhausting every available resource, I worked diligently to apply for every scholarship that I qualified for. My perseverance and hard work paid off. Soon, I was attending Indiana State University majoring in aviation. The money I had saved working for my father and during high school was quickly drained on the expensive flight fees that my scholarships did not pay for. I took on a part-time job working thirty-six hours per week to pay for my flight time and cost of living. Balancing my work schedule with studying proved to be an intricate process. Learning to manage my time was crucial. After spending my freshman year in cramped two-seater airplanes I realized that aviation was not my calling. The aviation industry was in a downward spiral and I felt the risk involved in continuing my education in that area was not the in my best interest. The next year I changed my major to business where I could build upon the knowledge that I received from my father. Enrolling in summer classes allowed me to graduate on time three years later.

In the three years since my undergraduate course work, I have been working for a financial corporation underwriting loans. The pressure to perform in a sales based environment has given me thick skin. Hard work and the ability to surmount obstacles, to think through problems, and develop feasible solutions for customers are necessary. Being a loan officer in today’s environment is a bit of a tightrope walk. New policies are brought into effect every day and I must constantly re-educate myself. Last year I was asked by my manager to create a new solicitation program in order to generate business from our current customer portfolio. Working in coordination with our legal and marketing departments, I was able to develop a program that has increased the branch revenue two percent since its inception. Despite the challenges presented by my current position, I feel that my abilities are still underutilized. Law school would offer the challenge that I want while giving me valuable expertise needed to offer my services to those in need.

As I prepare to create the next chapter in my life, I look back without regret. Each struggle that I have overcome has built upon the foundation of who I am. The lessons that I have taken from these experiences will help me with the rigors of law school. I am well aware of the challenges presented by enrollment in law school, and I look forward to facing them head-on. The adversity that I have overcome has been a constant uphill battle, but I continue to look to the future with the hope of creating a better opportunity for myself and my family. The values that my father bestowed upon me have not withered away in time. They have served to make me the strong, passionate, driven individual that I am today. I do not have to wonder if I would make him proud. I know I would.


Sorry to make that really large and bold but that is a pretty egregious typo- esp if youre turning this in tonite....that needs fixed immediately

EDIT: Did not read for other typos. This is really really long and needs to be trimmed. Mine was a little over 3 pages 1.5 spacing but you would probably exceed that as is. Do you know a professor or friend with a strong command of the English language that you would trust to look this over. You won't catch everything posting this up on an internet forum.

jjones73
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 11:48 am

Re: Last revisions b4 turning in--Plz help

Postby jjones73 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:50 pm

thank you all for the feedback! i will revise in the next day or so and let you read over it again. I am not turning it in tonight, I am going to cut a bunch from it




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