I am having a hard time writing my PS. Everything I write sound generic. It's my first rough draft. Please critique it.
Thanks in advance
Born and raised in a country where it’s rare to meet a foreigner let alone get to know them, a person can become ignorant and indifferent towards [strike]the[/strike]minorities. I was no exception as I was born in South Korea where [strike]not many[/strike] few
foreigners resided even in the 1990s. However, that all changed, when my family and I immigrated to the United States in December of 1998.
Living in a completely different environment with limited English skills, my family and I had to endure difficult hardships. [strike]Like[/strike] As with
many immigrant families, adjusting to a new life took a toll on my parent’s marriage and subsequently[strike],[/strike] they separated. My mother became the sole provider for my brother and I, working twelve [strike]hours a day shift[/strike] hour shifts
for six days a week.
[strike]My[/strike] With my
mother busy with putting food on our table, my brother and I had to grow up quickly. Living in a predominantly white neighborhood, at a young age, I believed that being different was not accepted. As my English proficiency increased, I began speaking less Korean to my parents and tried hard to fit in with friends at school. [strike]My efforts in hiding my difference went so far as to when my friend asked[/strike] When my friends would ask
me how to say a word in Korean, I was reluctant to tell [strike]her[/strike] them
. Denying my true identity, I was being Americanized. However, [strike]then came[/strike]a reality check [strike]that[/strike] soon
led me to a realization of my true self.
[strike]With my brother off to[/strike] After my brother left for
college, my mother and I moved [strike]in 2004[/strike]to a house above a deli. We were excited about the prospect of living in a new [strike]house[/strike] home
. However, we soon realized that we had made a wrong decision in moving [strike]to this house[/strike] there
. One day, the landlord came up to us demanding that we pay our electricity bill[strike]. The contract that my mother signed stated[/strike] despite the rental contract stating
that the landlord is responsible for [strike]paying[/strike] the electricity bill. We were hesitant to pay the landlord knowing that the [strike]electricity[/strike] bill included the deli’s electricity which [strike]generally[/strike] clearly
used up more electricity than our home. My mother [strike]not knowing who to turn to for advice asked[/strike] turned to
the real estate agent who rented the house to us[strike]. She[/strike] , and she initially
assured us that the landlord was responsible for paying the bill. [strike]However, soon after talking[/strike] But after she talked
to the landlord separately, she [strike]said[/strike] decided
that we should pay [strike]the portion of[/strike] the bill[strike]s[/strike]. With both the landlord and the real estate agent pressuring us to pay[strike]the bills[/strike], we had no choice but to oblige[strike]to the demand[/strike]. However, that was not the end of our trouble. Later, the landlord stopped paying the utility bills which resulted in electricity being cut off. We were [strike]left[/strike] forced
to live in a house that had no heat for three months. Following the advice of a family friend, we [strike]went to[/strike] consulted
an attorney[strike]to seek out a solution[/strike]. After listening to our situation, the attorney remarked that the real estate agent had no business interfering in the matter and that we were not responsible for paying the bills. [strike]While ultimately, my family[/strike] My mother
and I chose not to go to court over this matter[strike];[/strike] , but
it was an eye opening experience for me.
This experience made me realize an important aspect of my identity[strike];[/strike] [use colon instead]
no matter how much I want to hide from my true self, I cannot escape it. I do not know if the landlord and the real estate agent believed that they [strike]can[/strike] could
take advantage of my family because my mother spoke little English or because we are Asian[strike]s[/strike]. [strike]One thing is for sure and that is[/strike] But clearly
we were treated unfairly. I learned from this experience that I have to embrace my identity. There are many people in the world who discriminate against others because of their differences. I realized that you have to love [strike]your self[/strike] yourself
first to face [strike]against[/strike] any hardships in life.
[strike]Better understanding of myself[/strike] This experience has
led me to [strike]a path to becoming a lawyer[/strike] pursue law school
. Discovering my own identity made me realize that the study of law will lead me to make a difference in the world. Through the power of the law, I want to encourage people to [strike]accept people’s differences[/strike] treat others fairly,
which ultimately will better our [strike]environment[/strike] society
. I know that law school will be a challenging journey. However, I believe that with the strong sense of my own identity, I can succeed [strike]in[/strike] at
There you go. Lots of typos and grammatical problems. I couldn't get all of them, but this should help.
It's a bit late in the game for major changes, but I was trying to find a stronger link between dealing with racism and discovering/accepting one's identity. You have the seeds of an interesting story there, but it doesn't quite tie together as strong as it should. If you had mentioned other immigrant families dealing with similar problems (being taken advantage of, needing legal representation to level the playing field, etc.) it would improve the essay's structure.