Help on my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
AllorNothing
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:33 pm

Help on my PS

Postby AllorNothing » Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:25 pm

I am having a hard time writing my PS. Everything I write sound generic. It's my first rough draft. Please critique it.
Thanks in advance :)
Last edited by AllorNothing on Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AllorNothing
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:33 pm

Re: Help on my PS

Postby AllorNothing » Fri Jan 15, 2010 11:47 pm

Bump

Is anyone willing take a look at it? Please...

AllorNothing
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:33 pm

Re: Help on my PS

Postby AllorNothing » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:20 pm

Someone please critique it
I desperately need help with this

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existenz
Posts: 927
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 3:06 am

Re: Help on my PS

Postby existenz » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:45 pm

AllorNothing wrote:I am having a hard time writing my PS. Everything I write sound generic. It's my first rough draft. Please critique it.
Thanks in advance :)



Born and raised in a country where it’s rare to meet a foreigner let alone get to know them, a person can become ignorant and indifferent towards [strike]the[/strike]minorities. I was no exception as I was born in South Korea where [strike]not many[/strike] few foreigners resided even in the 1990s. However, that all changed, when my family and I immigrated to the United States in December of 1998.

Living in a completely different environment with limited English skills, my family and I had to endure difficult hardships. [strike]Like[/strike] As with many immigrant families, adjusting to a new life took a toll on my parent’s marriage and subsequently[strike],[/strike] they separated. My mother became the sole provider for my brother and I, working twelve [strike]hours a day shift[/strike] hour shifts for six days a week.

[strike]My[/strike] With my mother busy with putting food on our table, my brother and I had to grow up quickly. Living in a predominantly white neighborhood, at a young age, I believed that being different was not accepted. As my English proficiency increased, I began speaking less Korean to my parents and tried hard to fit in with friends at school. [strike]My efforts in hiding my difference went so far as to when my friend asked[/strike] When my friends would ask me how to say a word in Korean, I was reluctant to tell [strike]her[/strike] them. Denying my true identity, I was being Americanized. However, [strike]then came[/strike]a reality check [strike]that[/strike] soon led me to a realization of my true self.

[strike]With my brother off to[/strike] After my brother left for college, my mother and I moved [strike]in 2004[/strike]to a house above a deli. We were excited about the prospect of living in a new [strike]house[/strike] home. However, we soon realized that we had made a wrong decision in moving [strike]to this house[/strike] there. One day, the landlord came up to us demanding that we pay our electricity bill[strike]. The contract that my mother signed stated[/strike] despite the rental contract stating that the landlord is responsible for [strike]paying[/strike] the electricity bill. We were hesitant to pay the landlord knowing that the [strike]electricity[/strike] bill included the deli’s electricity which [strike]generally[/strike] clearly used up more electricity than our home. My mother [strike]not knowing who to turn to for advice asked[/strike] turned to the real estate agent who rented the house to us[strike]. She[/strike] , and she initially assured us that the landlord was responsible for paying the bill. [strike]However, soon after talking[/strike] But after she talked to the landlord separately, she [strike]said[/strike] decided that we should pay [strike]the portion of[/strike] the bill[strike]s[/strike]. With both the landlord and the real estate agent pressuring us to pay[strike]the bills[/strike], we had no choice but to oblige[strike]to the demand[/strike]. However, that was not the end of our trouble. Later, the landlord stopped paying the utility bills which resulted in electricity being cut off. We were [strike]left[/strike] forced to live in a house that had no heat for three months. Following the advice of a family friend, we [strike]went to[/strike] consulted an attorney[strike]to seek out a solution[/strike]. After listening to our situation, the attorney remarked that the real estate agent had no business interfering in the matter and that we were not responsible for paying the bills. [strike]While ultimately, my family[/strike] My mother and I chose not to go to court over this matter[strike];[/strike] , but it was an eye opening experience for me.
This experience made me realize an important aspect of my identity[strike];[/strike] [use colon instead] no matter how much I want to hide from my true self, I cannot escape it. I do not know if the landlord and the real estate agent believed that they [strike]can[/strike] could take advantage of my family because my mother spoke little English or because we are Asian[strike]s[/strike]. [strike]One thing is for sure and that is[/strike] But clearly we were treated unfairly. I learned from this experience that I have to embrace my identity. There are many people in the world who discriminate against others because of their differences. I realized that you have to love [strike]your self[/strike] yourself first to face [strike]against[/strike] any hardships in life.
[strike]Better understanding of myself[/strike] This experience has led me to [strike]a path to becoming a lawyer[/strike] pursue law school. Discovering my own identity made me realize that the study of law will lead me to make a difference in the world. Through the power of the law, I want to encourage people to [strike]accept people’s differences[/strike] treat others fairly, which ultimately will better our [strike]environment[/strike] society. I know that law school will be a challenging journey. However, I believe that with the strong sense of my own identity, I can succeed [strike]in[/strike] at [school name].


There you go. Lots of typos and grammatical problems. I couldn't get all of them, but this should help.

It's a bit late in the game for major changes, but I was trying to find a stronger link between dealing with racism and discovering/accepting one's identity. You have the seeds of an interesting story there, but it doesn't quite tie together as strong as it should. If you had mentioned other immigrant families dealing with similar problems (being taken advantage of, needing legal representation to level the playing field, etc.) it would improve the essay's structure.

Good luck.

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devilishangelrjp
Posts: 257
Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 2:21 pm

Re: Help on my PS

Postby devilishangelrjp » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:54 pm

existenz wrote:
AllorNothing wrote:I am having a hard time writing my PS. Everything I write sound generic. It's my first rough draft. Please critique it.
Thanks in advance :)



Born and raised in a country where it’s rare to meet a foreigner let alone get to know them, a person can become ignorant and indifferent towards [strike]the[/strike]minorities. I was no exception as I was born in South Korea where [strike]not many[/strike] few foreigners resided even in the 1990s. However, that all changed, when my family and I immigrated to the United States in December of 1998.

Living in a completely different environment with limited English skills, my family and I had to endure difficult hardships. [strike]Like[/strike] As with many immigrant families, adjusting to a new life took a toll on my parent’s marriage and subsequently[strike],[/strike] they separated. My mother became the sole provider for my brother and I, working twelve [strike]hours a day shift[/strike] hour shifts for six days a week.

[strike]My[/strike] With my mother busy with putting food on our table, my brother and I had to grow up quickly. Living in a predominantly white neighborhood, at a young age, I believed that being different was not accepted. As my English proficiency increased, I began speaking less Korean to my parents and tried hard to fit in with friends at school. [strike]My efforts in hiding my difference went so far as to when my friend asked[/strike] When my friends would ask me how to say a word in Korean, I was reluctant to tell [strike]her[/strike] them. Denying my true identity, I was being Americanized. However, [strike]then came[/strike]a reality check [strike]that[/strike] soon led me to a realization of my true self.

[strike]With my brother off to[/strike] After my brother left for college, my mother and I moved [strike]in 2004[/strike]to a house above a deli. We were excited about the prospect of living in a new [strike]house[/strike] home. However, we soon realized that we had made a wrong decision in moving [strike]to this house[/strike] there. One day, the landlord came up to us demanding that we pay our electricity bill[strike]. The contract that my mother signed stated[/strike] despite the rental contract stating that the landlord is responsible for [strike]paying[/strike] the electricity bill. We were hesitant to pay the landlord knowing that the [strike]electricity[/strike] bill included the deli’s electricity which [strike]generally[/strike] clearly used up more electricity than our home. My mother [strike]not knowing who to turn to for advice asked[/strike] turned to the real estate agent who rented the house to us[strike]. She[/strike] , and she initially assured us that the landlord was responsible for paying the bill. [strike]However, soon after talking[/strike] But after she talked to the landlord separately, she [strike]said[/strike] decided that we should pay [strike]the portion of[/strike] the bill[strike]s[/strike]. With both the landlord and the real estate agent pressuring us to pay[strike]the bills[/strike], we had no choice but to oblige[strike]to the demand[/strike]. However, that was not the end of our trouble. Later, the landlord stopped paying the utility bills which resulted in electricity being cut off. We were [strike]left[/strike] forced to live in a house that had no heat for three months. Following the advice of a family friend, we [strike]went to[/strike] consulted an attorney[strike]to seek out a solution[/strike]. After listening to our situation, the attorney remarked that the real estate agent had no business interfering in the matter and that we were not responsible for paying the bills. [strike]While ultimately, my family[/strike] My mother and I chose not to go to court over this matter[strike];[/strike] , but it was an eye opening experience for me.
This experience made me realize an important aspect of my identity[strike];[/strike] [use colon instead] no matter how much I want to hide from my true self, I cannot escape it. I do not know if the landlord and the real estate agent believed that they [strike]can[/strike] could take advantage of my family because my mother spoke little English or because we are Asian[strike]s[/strike]. [strike]One thing is for sure and that is[/strike] But clearly we were treated unfairly. I learned from this experience that I have to embrace my identity. There are many people in the world who discriminate against others because of their differences. I realized that you have to love [strike]your self[/strike] yourself first to face [strike]against[/strike] any hardships in life.
[strike]Better understanding of myself[/strike] This experience has led me to [strike]a path to becoming a lawyer[/strike] pursue law school. Discovering my own identity made me realize that the study of law will lead me to make a difference in the world. Through the power of the law, I want to encourage people to [strike]accept people’s differences[/strike] treat others fairly, which ultimately will better our [strike]environment[/strike] society. I know that law school will be a challenging journey. However, I believe that with the strong sense of my own identity, I can succeed [strike]in[/strike] at [school name].


There you go. Lots of typos and grammatical problems. I couldn't get all of them, but this should help.

It's a bit late in the game for major changes, but I was trying to find a stronger link between dealing with racism and discovering/accepting one's identity. You have the seeds of an interesting story there, but it doesn't quite tie together as strong as it should. If you had mentioned other immigrant families dealing with similar problems (being taken advantage of, needing legal representation to level the playing field, etc.) it would improve the essay's structure.

Good luck.


I agree with these revisions for the most part except the "but" starting sentences.

AllorNothing
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:33 pm

Re: Help on my PS

Postby AllorNothing » Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:08 pm

existenz wrote:
AllorNothing wrote:I am having a hard time writing my PS. Everything I write sound generic. It's my first rough draft. Please critique it.
Thanks in advance :)



Born and raised in a country where it’s rare to meet a foreigner let alone get to know them, a person can become ignorant and indifferent towards [strike]the[/strike]minorities. I was no exception as I was born in South Korea where [strike]not many[/strike] few foreigners resided even in the 1990s. However, that all changed, when my family and I immigrated to the United States in December of 1998.

Living in a completely different environment with limited English skills, my family and I had to endure difficult hardships. [strike]Like[/strike] As with many immigrant families, adjusting to a new life took a toll on my parent’s marriage and subsequently[strike],[/strike] they separated. My mother became the sole provider for my brother and I, working twelve [strike]hours a day shift[/strike] hour shifts for six days a week.

[strike]My[/strike] With my mother busy with putting food on our table, my brother and I had to grow up quickly. Living in a predominantly white neighborhood, at a young age, I believed that being different was not accepted. As my English proficiency increased, I began speaking less Korean to my parents and tried hard to fit in with friends at school. [strike]My efforts in hiding my difference went so far as to when my friend asked[/strike] When my friends would ask me how to say a word in Korean, I was reluctant to tell [strike]her[/strike] them. Denying my true identity, I was being Americanized. However, [strike]then came[/strike]a reality check [strike]that[/strike] soon led me to a realization of my true self.

[strike]With my brother off to[/strike] After my brother left for college, my mother and I moved [strike]in 2004[/strike]to a house above a deli. We were excited about the prospect of living in a new [strike]house[/strike] home. However, we soon realized that we had made a wrong decision in moving [strike]to this house[/strike] there. One day, the landlord came up to us demanding that we pay our electricity bill[strike]. The contract that my mother signed stated[/strike] despite the rental contract stating that the landlord is responsible for [strike]paying[/strike] the electricity bill. We were hesitant to pay the landlord knowing that the [strike]electricity[/strike] bill included the deli’s electricity which [strike]generally[/strike] clearly used up more electricity than our home. My mother [strike]not knowing who to turn to for advice asked[/strike] turned to the real estate agent who rented the house to us[strike]. She[/strike] , and she initially assured us that the landlord was responsible for paying the bill. [strike]However, soon after talking[/strike] But after she talked to the landlord separately, she [strike]said[/strike] decided that we should pay [strike]the portion of[/strike] the bill[strike]s[/strike]. With both the landlord and the real estate agent pressuring us to pay[strike]the bills[/strike], we had no choice but to oblige[strike]to the demand[/strike]. However, that was not the end of our trouble. Later, the landlord stopped paying the utility bills which resulted in electricity being cut off. We were [strike]left[/strike] forced to live in a house that had no heat for three months. Following the advice of a family friend, we [strike]went to[/strike] consulted an attorney[strike]to seek out a solution[/strike]. After listening to our situation, the attorney remarked that the real estate agent had no business interfering in the matter and that we were not responsible for paying the bills. [strike]While ultimately, my family[/strike] My mother and I chose not to go to court over this matter[strike];[/strike] , but it was an eye opening experience for me.
This experience made me realize an important aspect of my identity[strike];[/strike] [use colon instead] no matter how much I want to hide from my true self, I cannot escape it. I do not know if the landlord and the real estate agent believed that they [strike]can[/strike] could take advantage of my family because my mother spoke little English or because we are Asian[strike]s[/strike]. [strike]One thing is for sure and that is[/strike] But clearly we were treated unfairly. I learned from this experience that I have to embrace my identity. There are many people in the world who discriminate against others because of their differences. I realized that you have to love [strike]your self[/strike] yourself first to face [strike]against[/strike] any hardships in life.
[strike]Better understanding of myself[/strike] This experience has led me to [strike]a path to becoming a lawyer[/strike] pursue law school. Discovering my own identity made me realize that the study of law will lead me to make a difference in the world. Through the power of the law, I want to encourage people to [strike]accept people’s differences[/strike] treat others fairly, which ultimately will better our [strike]environment[/strike] society. I know that law school will be a challenging journey. However, I believe that with the strong sense of my own identity, I can succeed [strike]in[/strike] at [school name].


There you go. Lots of typos and grammatical problems. I couldn't get all of them, but this should help.

It's a bit late in the game for major changes, but I was trying to find a stronger link between dealing with racism and discovering/accepting one's identity. You have the seeds of an interesting story there, but it doesn't quite tie together as strong as it should. If you had mentioned other immigrant families dealing with similar problems (being taken advantage of, needing legal representation to level the playing field, etc.) it would improve the essay's structure.

Good luck.





I'm struggling with how to link the story with the rest of the ps.
I definitely have a lot of work to do, that's for sure.

Thank you so much for your help :)

nouseforaname
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:25 pm

Re: Help on my PS

Postby nouseforaname » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:55 pm

AllorNothing wrote:I am having a hard time writing my PS. Everything I write sound generic. It's my first rough draft. Please critique it.
Thanks in advance :)



Born and raised in a country where it’s rare to meet a foreigner let alone get to know them, a person can become ignorant and indifferent towards the minorities. I was no exception as I was born in South Korea where not many foreigners resided even in the 1990s. However, that all changed, when my family and I immigrated to the United States in December of 1998.
Living in a completely different environment with limited English skills, my family and I had to endure difficult hardships. Like many immigrant families, adjusting to a new life took a toll on my parent’s marriage and subsequently, they separated. My mother became the sole provider for my brother and I, working twelve hours a day shift for six days a week.
My mother busy with putting food on our table, my brother and I had to grow up quickly. Living in a predominantly white neighborhood, at a young age, I believed that being different was not accepted. As my English proficiency increased, I began speaking less Korean to my parents and tried hard to fit in with friends at school. My efforts in hiding my difference went so far as to when my friend asked me how to say a word in Korean, I was reluctant to tell her. Denying my true identity, I was being Americanized. However, then came a reality check that led me to a realization of my true self.
With my brother off to college, my mother and I moved in 2004 to a house above a deli. We were excited about the prospect of living in a new house. However, we soon realized that we had made a wrong decision in moving to this house. One day, the landlord came up to us demanding that we pay our electricity bill. The contract that my mother signed stated that the landlord is responsible for paying the electricity bill. We were hesitant to pay the landlord knowing that the electricity bill included the deli’s electricity which generally used up more electricity than our home. My mother not knowing who to turn to for advice asked the real estate agent who rented the house to us. She assured us that the landlord was responsible for paying the bill. However, soon after talking to the landlord separately, she said that we should pay the portion of the bills. With both the landlord and the real estate agent pressuring us to pay the bills, we had no choice but to oblige to the demand. However, that was not the end of our trouble. Later, the landlord stopped paying the utility bills which resulted in electricity being cut off. We were left to live in a house that had no heat for three months. Following the advice of a family friend, we went to an attorney to seek out a solution. After listening to our situation, the attorney remarked that the real estate agent had no business interfering in the matter and that we were not responsible for paying the bills. While ultimately, my family and I chose not to go to court over this matter; it was an eye opening experience for me.
This experience made me realize an important aspect of my identity; no matter how much I want to hide from my true self, I cannot escape it. I do not know if the landlord and the real estate agent believed that they can take advantage of my family because my mother spoke little English or because we are Asians. One thing is for sure and that is we were treated unfairly. I learned from this experience that I have to embrace my identity. There are many people in the world who discriminate against others because of their differences. I realized that you have to love your self first to face against any hardships in life.
Better understanding of myself led me to a path to becoming a lawyer. Discovering my own identity made me realize that the study of law will lead me to make a difference in the world. Through the power of the law, I want to encourage people to accept people’s differences which ultimately will better our environment. I know that law school will be a challenging journey. However, I believe that with the strong sense of my own identity, I can succeed in [school name].


The first part of the first sentence has a typo.

Born and raised in a country where it’s rare to meet a foreigner let alone get to know them - should be "one"

umichgrad
Posts: 381
Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am

Re: Help on my PS

Postby umichgrad » Fri Jan 22, 2010 10:59 am

My mother became the sole provider for my brother and I, working twelve hours a day shift for six days a week.


for my brother and ME

(my mother became the sole provider for me, not for I)

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writetrack
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:27 pm

Re: Help on my PS

Postby writetrack » Fri Jan 22, 2010 4:11 pm

Hi,

I briefly reviewed your statement and believe that while it does have potential, especially your international background and the hardship you faced with your family, it needs more focus, a central theme that is carried throughout the statement. I am more then happy to provide you with a more in-depth assessment.




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