Please Edit

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ugadawgs414
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 1:58 pm

Please Edit

Postby ugadawgs414 » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:01 pm

I realize this is very rough, but just wanted some outside opinion as whether the anaolgy fits or nix it and start fresh. Thanks

Becoming a lawyer was a simple inevitability when I was first given the chance to see Jim Carrey’s “Liar Liar.” However, the path which has led me to make this calculated decision to apply to the __________ was not so inevitable, but has had its fair share of failures and successes. Growing up with lawyers in my family I developed a passion for law and following the rules, which coincided with the interest generated by the fantasy world of practicing set in my head by movies and television. The one constant that developed alongside my desire to learn and practice law was the game of tennis. I started playing tennis at the age of nine, and I feel as though the sport gives an interesting perspective on life to the players who devote the time and effort I have to the game. While some sports are easy to take hold of, tennis offers a different challenge in that you must be willing to deal with hours of repetition in order to begin to see results. I found that drive at a young age and not only dedicated countless hours, but worked hard during those hours to ensure that I found success in the sport. As I trained in the sport I also competed against my peers, which added the other key aspect of tennis to my repertoire. While in competition you not only compete against an opponent on the court but you must battle within yourself as each missed shot digs at you making you doubt yourself, while each winner can help bring your confidence to its peak. You can only achieve victory if you learn from the poor shots rather than simply recall them, as well as keep in mind the shots that you hit successfully. I feel as though these experiences in my tennis game can relate to the field of law. In order to be successful not only in the practice of law but in law school you must be willing to dedicate yourself to many hours of study and practice. Law is also one of the most challenging fields to study, and you must be able to deal with the occasional failure. I feel as though my upbringing in a family with lawyers as well as my youth experiences in the game of tennis have made me capable of dedicating myself to the study and practice of law. I feel as though not only will I be able to handle the pressures and hours, but succeed with them. I have failed in the past in both academics and athletics, but I write to you now as a person who has moved beyond those failures and wishes to focus on the successes that have made me able to write about my ability to become a fantastic lawyer. The ________ is also a place which I have grown to love during the years I spent there for my undergraduate degree. I want to work and live in the South after graduating and feel as though the _______________is the best atmosphere and package for me to move forward with my education.
Last edited by ugadawgs414 on Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mholmes
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:50 pm

Re: Please Edit

Postby mholmes » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:20 pm

It was interesting but I noticed some things you should change. You should explain more about how your family has made it so you should go into law -- did they teach you? Inspire you? Plus, instead of mentioning your academic and personal failures at the end, mention more positive stuff, like academic successes and tennis awards you won through hard work and perseverance. It will make the tennis analogy make more sense: if you worked so hard in tennis you won tournaments (or something), then you can "beat" law.

melaniec
Posts: 51
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:32 pm

Re: Please Edit

Postby melaniec » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:22 pm

my honest opinion is that this PS needs a lot of work. I've made some obvious changes here, but I think you need to restructure it so it makes more logical sense in terms of flowing from one thing to another. It's just one long run on paragraph. Also, you tend to write using abnormally long sentences, and the tone is too monotonous.

in terms of content, you never say why you want to be a lawyer, except that the rest of your family are lawyers.. i don't get any sense of personality through this. also, there is no clear comparison as to why training in tennis correlates with success in law... you dont even mention how you were successful in tennis. in fact, you even say you were a failure in tennis!! if you wanna stick with the tennis thing, i woudl suggest ommiting "why law" completely and just write about how you learned something from tennis.... there's no real correlation here, as you put it. i'm sorry this is rough, but it's the truth, and i only say these things to help you improve your application.

updawgs414 wrote:Becoming a lawyer was a simple inevitability when I was first given the chance to see Jim Carrey’s “Liar Liar.” given the chance doesnt seem like the right phrase here,and why does that movie basically force you to become a lawyer? However, the path which has led me to make this calculated decision to apply to the University Of Georgia School Of Law was not so inevitable, but has had its fair share of failures and successes. looong sentence. maybe separate to two sentences[strike]Growing up with lawyers in my family[/strike]Having grown up around lawyers,I developed a passion for law and following the rulesdid you not follow rules before?, which coincided with the interest generated by the fantasy world of practicing sethuh? what are you saying here? in my head by movies and television. The one constant that developed alongside my desire to learn and practice law was the game of tennis. I started playing tennis at the age of nine, and I feel as though the sport gives an interesting perspective on life to [strike]the players[/strike]those who devote the time and effort [strike]I have to the game[/strike]. While some sports are easy to [strike]take hold of[/strike]perhaps you mean master?... although I don't think any sport is particularly "easy", tennis offers a different challenge in that you must be willing to deal with hours of repetition in order to begin to see resultsi dont think that characteristic is unique to tennis.... I found that drive at a young age and not only dedicated countless hours, but worked hard during those hours to ensure that I found success in the sport. As I trained in the sport I also competed against my peers, which added the other key aspect of tennis to my repertoire. While in competition you not only compete against an opponent on the court but you must battle within yourself as each missed shot digs at you making you doubt yourself, while each winner can help bring your confidence to its peaksentence is too long and doesn't really make sense. You can only achieve victory if you learn from the poor shots rather than simply recall them, as well as keep in mind the shots that you hit successfullythis sounds like a roundabout way of saying "you learn best from your mistakes.... make this more concise. I feel as though these experiences in my tennis game can relate to the field of law. In order to be successful not only in the practice of law but in law school you must be willing to dedicate yourself to many hours of study and practice. Law is also one of the most challenging fields to study, and you must be able to deal with the occasional failuredon't let them know you think you might experience failure!. I feel as though my upbringing in a family with lawyers as well as my youth experiences in the game of tennis have made me capable of dedicating myself to the study and practice of law. I feel as though not only will I be able to handle the pressures and hours, but succeed [strike]with[/strike]despitethem. I have failed in the past in both academics and athleticsagain... WHY TELL THEM YOU WERE A FAILURE? you dont even need to mention that you failed in tennis...you're just discussing how your training prepared y, but I write to you i would avoid making a statement that speaks directly to the addcommnow as a person who has moved beyond those failures and wishes to focus on the successes that have made me able to write about my ability to become a fantastic lawyer. The University of Georgia is also a place which I have grown to love during the years I spent there for my undergraduate degree. I want to work and live in the South after graduating and feel as though the University Of Georgia School Of Law is the best atmosphere and package what do you mean by package?for me to move forward with my education.




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