no more help for this one.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

no more help for this one.

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 10:20 pm

verb tenses are a bit off, but overall, is this of ANY interest??? i'm so lost!!

“Can anyone in this room identify the person who created the NoSewer.com website?”

The attorneys who were representing a few speculative landowners asked that question during our annual homeowner association meeting.

My eyes furtively scanned the room as the attorneys waited for the perpetrators to confess their sins.

Silence.

“Then can we declare the site illegal and force them to delete the website?”
There was another moment of stunned silence after which the audience erupted with shouts of, “What about freedom of speech?” My inward smile was difficult to contain. “Yippee,” I thought to myself. “Finally, I’ve caught them engaging in their typically furtive behaviors, yet for once, in the open and for all to witness.”

The developers seem intent to act against the best interests of our association. In fact, as of this very moment, they are, ‘representing me, the homeowner’ in their lawsuit agaist the neutral, unpaid board of directors. They would rather destroy our community by forcing unemployed and fixed income retirees to finance a multi-million dollar infrastructure overhaul, just so they could sell a few houses and make some easy money. This is not going to happen on my watch!
Last edited by daizee on Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:06 pm

You can be mean...Daisies like to be tromped! :D

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:13 pm

If it doesn't merit a second glance, that would be precious advice!!!!

k77
Posts: 24
Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:05 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby k77 » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:18 pm

I don't get it HTH

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:20 pm

k77 wrote:I don't get it HTH


Could you explain HTH??? Sorry, could you explain? What don't you understand?

lietx3
Posts: 80
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 8:56 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby lietx3 » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:24 pm

I don't know if that is a good intro. If anything I was so confused I didn't want to keep reading. After reading it twice I still don't know is going on. And then the line about it not happening on your watch... get rid of it.

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:26 pm

lietx3 THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH! Will humbly start fresh. YOU were just what I needed. THANK YOU!!!!

User avatar
chicoalto0649
Posts: 1172
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:26 pm

Hope that helps = HTH

I would re-work this. I really don't understand what you're getting at and it sort of reads like an awkward screenplay (ditch the dialogue!)

lietx3
Posts: 80
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 8:56 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby lietx3 » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:27 pm

chicoalto0649 wrote:Hope that helps = HTH

I would re-work this. I really don't understand what you're getting at and it sort of reads like an awkward screenplay (ditch the dialogue!)


+1 I forgot to say that as well. Don't start with a quote either.

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:31 pm

lietx3 wrote:
chicoalto0649 wrote:Hope that helps = HTH

I would re-work this. I really don't understand what you're getting at and it sort of reads like an awkward screenplay (ditch the dialogue!)


+1 I forgot to say that as well. Don't start with a quote either.


You guys are invaluable! Curiously enough, a 30 year veteran editor chunked it down to this intro....ughh...so disheartening!!!

User avatar
chicoalto0649
Posts: 1172
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:35 pm

daizee wrote:
lietx3 wrote:
chicoalto0649 wrote:Hope that helps = HTH

I would re-work this. I really don't understand what you're getting at and it sort of reads like an awkward screenplay (ditch the dialogue!)


+1 I forgot to say that as well. Don't start with a quote either.


You guys are invaluable! Curiously enough, a 30 year veteran editor chunked it down to this intro....ughh...so disheartening!!!


I would only let an editor touch my PS if he just critiqued grammar and NOTHING more. Don't let someone reshape your vision. Besides, I do not think he has a lot of insight into what makes a good law school personal statement. This site probably has way more info on creating a PS.

Quick points:

1. Be you
2. Be personal
3. Don't try to be cute or fancy
4. Be concise

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:37 pm

Chico, you are so right...And so..um...concise!

I'm learning...slowly, but learning, thanks to all of you!

Appreciate the comments so very much!

alohashoyu
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Jan 14, 2010 2:18 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby alohashoyu » Fri Jan 15, 2010 12:35 am

Daizee-

I would pick out a quote or two, and then scrap the rest. You can always summarize what happened. When it's too quote heavy with no transition, it really does start to look like a screenplay.

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Fri Jan 15, 2010 1:13 am

alohashoyu wrote:Daizee-

I would pick out a quote or two, and then scrap the rest.
You can always summarize what happened.
When it's too quote heavy with no transition, it really does start to look like a screenplay.


[b]Screenplay is BAD! Thank you for enlightening me!)
Last edited by daizee on Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
twert
Posts: 414
Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 6:13 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby twert » Fri Jan 15, 2010 1:17 am

you used furtive twice. both were bad.

User avatar
chicoalto0649
Posts: 1172
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Fri Jan 15, 2010 1:25 am

twert wrote:you used furtive twice. both were bad.



Was waiting for "purport" to rear its head...maybe later on

User avatar
twert
Posts: 414
Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 6:13 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby twert » Fri Jan 15, 2010 1:33 am

chicoalto0649 wrote:
twert wrote:you used furtive twice. both were bad.



Was waiting for "purport" to rear its head...maybe later on

lol

rookhawk
Posts: 103
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 3:44 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby rookhawk » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:04 am

I'd suggest using some descriptions in the first few sentence of the scene in the room, the tension and your state of presence. Beyond the good suggestions above, I'd try to draw the reader in a bit more to that moment in time. The way it reads, it seems more like a cold, third party editorial than an passionate description of you in the trenches of this scenario.

User avatar
Zapatero
Posts: 517
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby Zapatero » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:10 am

You're actually planning on sending a law school application with the word "yippee" in it? Get rid of the dialogue and quotations, and write a personal statement, not a bedtime story.

User avatar
chicoalto0649
Posts: 1172
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby chicoalto0649 » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:36 pm

PM;ed u

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:28 pm

You're actually planning on sending a law school application with the word "yippee" in it? Get rid of the dialogue and quotations, and write a personal statement, not a bedtime story.

Actually, this is VERY helpful. No, that 'yippee' wasn't the plan, it was just in the original draft; stream of consciousness stuff. Editor thought it was great stuff and added personality. Clearly, the editor who likes colloquialisms is OUT. Learning this lesson quickly so glad for the HUGE mistake.

User avatar
daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: Please help with intro to ps!

Postby daizee » Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:32 pm

twert wrote:you used furtive twice. both were bad.


Good point. Missed that! I'm starting fresh. Is it OK to use this forum for editorial help?




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.