Look Here! Its a personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
southfloridacees
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 6:02 pm

Look Here! Its a personal Statement

Postby southfloridacees » Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:37 pm

Submitting Tonight Please tear it apart! Tell me anything and everything

In my educational career I always felt more a mathematical person than a literary person. This is likely the reason I became a Certified Public Accountant. Throughout my professional growth other interests have developed, and this has led me to the decision of becoming a legal professional. Every opportunity I get to review legal documents I grasp everything I can. In my mind, every contract, corporate document or communication with clients has the potential for monetary implications. The legal profession has a reputation for using sophisticated and savvy terminology. I wish to engage this very aspect and absorb everything I can while attending law school. There are many courses offered at the Shepard Broad Law Center that capture my interest, ranging from contract law to taxation law to construction law.
While serving in the Navy I began to think of what the future would hold for me. I had many memorable and maturing experiences in the military. I am able to engage many different peoples because of these experiences and I understand the world better for having lived my youth in South America. I am an immigrant who has taken full advantage of America’s opportunities. Experiencing other cultures in my travels has given me a better perspective of what the United States offers. Soon after honorably completing my enlistment, the G.I. Bill became a springboard for an education and current career in the accounting field. Honor, courage and commitment are the core values instilled in every service member while in the Navy. These values are essential in my everyday life, including the desire to further my education into the legal profession.
When attending Florida Atlantic University I was employed primarily in customer service jobs which were diverse and interesting. I continued to expand fields of interest. Immediately after graduating with an accounting degree, I sought employment in accounting. During the past five years I have gained an enormous amount of experience and diversified myself within the field. Initial simple tasks such as reconciliations, payroll preparation, trial balance overviews and income tax preparation led me to accomplish more challenging and complex business transactions. Within my accounting practice I have often encountered instances in the many industries, such as construction, hospitality, manufacturing and government entities where legal matters have been discussed.
Legal counsel is necessary throughout the process in every audit. Corporate lawyers deal with these inquiries and corporate disclosure is the primary reason. Unethical behavior seems to be the primary cause of many recent corporate scandals. I have had the unique opportunity to lead on an Internal Revenue Service Audit for a corporate client. It was exciting to participate in such endeavor. The particular case involves a Florida corporation and subsidiary to a foreign corporation. The IRS agent in charge was very inquisitive, especially when matters involved foreign transactions. The amount of communication is just the beginning to what became a lengthy commitment. I was cautious and precise in communicating with the agent. Such an assignment is one of many that made me develop an interest in law.
When I become a corporate attorney I will endeavor to facilitate a wide range of business transactions. Business owners are quite aware of the risks associated with managing their business, and many successful businessmen are high risk takers. When practicing corporate law, preferably here in Broward County, I will strive to not inhibit my clients, but to help their businesses flourish. My desire is to share and contribute my many successes to the economy and lifestyle of Broward County, and to continue enjoying life here in South Florida for many years to come.

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fonzerelli
Posts: 215
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:00 pm

Re: Look Here! Its a personal Statement

Postby fonzerelli » Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:13 pm

southfloridacees wrote:Submitting Tonight Please tear it apart! Tell me anything and everything

Throughout the development of my career, I’ve always held deep mathematical inclinations alongside more literary ones. (why not highlight that you have both?) This is likely the reason I became a [strike]Certified Public Accountant[/strike] CPA. However, throughout my professional growth other interests have invariably developed, and this has led me to my decision in becoming a legal professional. Every opportunity I get to review legal documents has led to a vigorous analysis and investigation. In my mind, every contract, corporate document or communication with clients has the potential for monetary implications. The legal profession has a reputation for using sophisticated and savvy terminology. I wish to engage, develop, and expand on this aspect while absorbing everything I can during law school. There are many courses offered at the Shepard Broad Law Center that capture my interest, ranging from contract law to taxation law to construction law.
While serving in the Navy I began to think of what the future would hold for me. I had many memorable and maturing experiences in the military which I feel will contribute to the study of law. I am able to engage a DIVERSE range of people because of these experiences and I understand the world better for having lived my youth in South America. I am an immigrant who has taken full advantage of America’s opportunities. (and law will allow me to continue this path) Experiencing other cultures in my travels has given me a better perspective of what the United States offers. Soon after honorably completing my enlistment, the G.I. Bill became a springboard for an education and current career in the accounting field. Honor, courage and commitment are the core values instilled in every service member while in the Navy. These values are essential in my everyday life, including the desire to further my education into the legal profession.
When attending Florida Atlantic University I was employed primarily in customer RELATIONS jobs which were diverse as well as interesting. I continued to expand my fields of interest as well as gained invaluable experience. Immediately after graduating with an accounting degree, I sought employment in accounting. During the past five years I have gained an enormous amount of experience and diversified myself within the field. Initial simple tasks such as reconciliations, payroll preparation, trial balance overviews and income tax preparation led me to accomplish more challenging and complex business transactions. Within my accounting practice, I have often encountered instances in the many industries, such as construction, hospitality, manufacturing and government entities where complex legal matters have been discussed.
Legal counsel is necessary throughout the process in every audit. Corporate lawyers deal with these inquiries and corporate disclosure is the primary reason. Unethical behavior seems to be the primary cause of many recent corporate scandals. I have had the unique opportunity to lead on an Internal Revenue Service Audit for a corporate client. It was exciting to participate in such endeavor. The particular case involves a Florida corporation and subsidiary to a foreign corporation. The IRS agent in charge was very inquisitive, especially when matters involved foreign transactions. The amount of communication is just the beginning to what became a lengthy commitment. I was cautious and precise in communicating with the agent. Assignments such as this are one of many that made me develop an interest in law.
When I become a corporate attorney, I will endeavor to facilitate a wide range of business transactions. Business owners are quite aware of the risks associated with managing their business, and many successful businessmen are high risk takers. When practicing corporate law, preferably here in Broward County, I will strive to not inhibit my clients, but to help their businesses flourish. My desire is to share and contribute my many successes to the economy and lifestyle of Broward County, and to continue enjoying life here in South Florida for many years to come. Through the study and subsequent practice of law, I will be able to continue the path of success I have already begun and look forward to starting at _______ the fall.

drew
Posts: 114
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:17 pm

Re: Look Here! Its a personal Statement

Postby drew » Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:20 pm

Looks good. I would strongly suggest some eloquent variation from the word corporat[ion] in the third paragraph. Additionally, the first paragraph could probable use an overhaul. Otherwise, I would say you're good to go. Your background looks like something that adcomms will eat up. What are your stats?

User avatar
fonzerelli
Posts: 215
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:00 pm

Re: Look Here! Its a personal Statement

Postby fonzerelli » Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:21 pm

fonzerelli wrote:
southfloridacees wrote:Submitting Tonight Please tear it apart! Tell me anything and everything

Throughout the development of my career, I’ve always held deep mathematical inclinations alongside more literary ones. (why not highlight that you have both?) This is likely the reason I became a [strike]Certified Public Accountant[/strike] CPA. However, throughout my professional growth other interests have invariably developed, and this has led me to my decision in becoming a legal professional. Every opportunity I get to review legal documents has led to a vigorous analysis and investigation. In my mind, every contract, corporate document or communication with clients has the potential for monetary implications. The legal profession has a reputation for using sophisticated and savvy terminology. I wish to engage, develop, and expand on this aspect while absorbing everything I can during law school. There are many courses offered at the Shepard Broad Law Center that capture my interest, ranging from contract law to taxation law to construction law.
While serving in the Navy I began to think of what the future would hold for me. I had many memorable and maturing experiences in the military which I feel will contribute to the study of law. I am able to engage a DIVERSE range of people because of these experiences and I understand the world better for having lived my youth in South America. I am an immigrant who has taken full advantage of America’s opportunities. (and law will allow me to continue this path) Experiencing other cultures in my travels has given me a better perspective of what the United States offers. Soon after honorably completing my enlistment, the G.I. Bill became a springboard for an education and current career in the accounting field. Honor, courage and commitment are the core values instilled in every service member while in the Navy. These values are essential in my everyday life, including the desire to further my education into the legal profession.
When attending Florida Atlantic University I was employed primarily in customer RELATIONS jobs which were diverse as well as interesting. I continued to expand my fields of interest as well as gained invaluable experience. Immediately after graduating with an accounting degree, I sought employment in accounting. During the past five years I have gained an enormous amount of experience and diversified myself within the field. Initial simple tasks such as reconciliations, payroll preparation, trial balance overviews and income tax preparation led me to accomplish more challenging and complex business transactions. Within my accounting practice, I have often encountered instances in the many industries, such as construction, hospitality, manufacturing and government entities where complex legal matters have been discussed.
Legal counsel is necessary throughout the process in every audit. Corporate lawyers deal with these inquiries and corporate disclosure is the primary reason. Unethical behavior seems to be the primary cause of many recent corporate scandals. I have had the unique opportunity to lead on an Internal Revenue Service Audit for a corporate client. It was exciting to participate in such endeavor. The particular case involves a Florida corporation and subsidiary to a foreign corporation. The IRS agent in charge was very inquisitive, especially when matters involved foreign transactions. The amount of communication is just the beginning to what became a lengthy commitment. I was cautious and precise in communicating with the agent. Assignments such as this are one of many that made me develop an interest in law.
When I become a corporate attorney, I will endeavor to facilitate a wide range of business transactions. Business owners are quite aware of the risks associated with managing their business, and many successful businessmen are high risk takers. When practicing corporate law, preferably here in Broward County, I will strive to not inhibit my clients, but to help their businesses flourish. My desire is to share and contribute my many successes to the economy and lifestyle of Broward County, and to continue enjoying life here in South Florida for many years to come. Through the study and subsequent practice of law, I will be able to continue the path of success I have already begun and look forward to starting at _______ the fall.


I made a bunch of adds/adjustements which I didn't bold as well.... just re-read.

drew
Posts: 114
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:17 pm

Re: Look Here! Its a personal Statement

Postby drew » Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:42 pm

oh, don't forget the oxford comma




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