Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

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Sauer Grapes
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Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 12, 2010 11:53 am

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:42 pm, edited 6 times in total.

dlee975
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby dlee975 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:13 pm

Well written. One of the parts that caused a bump in the reading for me was "I needed to pursue a career that would allow me not only to support my family..." We're you not able to do this before?

The conclusion was a little cheesy for my taste but that may just be me.

ru2009
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby ru2009 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:16 pm

I really like it and think this is a great story, just some minor things.

In the paragraph where you talk about career change, you say you would not be satisfied unless you help people by providing a service that is usually expensive for a lower cost....well, doesn't this mean you could be a doctor at a clinic? that would provide you with enough money for your family and accomplish the same goal...maybe I scanned too quickly, but you might benefit from clarifying why it's law and not another field you want to pursue. I realize you want to become an attorney to help the disadvantaged, but there are other careers that will allow you to do that, so specify why LAW.

also, can gift cards be declined, or does the balance just run out? I realize the "declined" part is for effect and "Would you like to reload your gift card" doesn't have the same ring, but just a thought. This is pretty petty, however.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:17 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dlee975
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby dlee975 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:20 pm

ru2009 wrote:
also, can gift cards be declined, or does the balance just run out? I realize the "declined" part is for effect and "Would you like to reload your gift card" doesn't have the same ring, but just a thought. This is pretty petty, however.


Yes. When a gift card is run through a POS system the error message simply says Auth Declined.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:21 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

btl-mba
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby btl-mba » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:21 pm

you missed a word in the third sentence...TRY

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:24 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Tanicius
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Tanicius » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:33 pm

This essay does not work for me -- at least not the beginning. I stopped reading at the beginning of the second paragraph and only read the rest of it because everyone else was saying how good it was. I'm not trying to act like a dick, I just think there is a big problem with the way you start this essay: It's not about you. Even when you get to the middle, yeah, okay, you felt guilty that someone couldn't buy groceries, so you gave them $20...

After reading the essay in its entirety I understand the connection you are trying to make with the poor lady in the grocery store to your desire to do public interest with your law degree, but the issue is that this shouldn't take three paragraphs to become clear. You need to get our attention in the first paragraph, and not with just some gimmick, but with something that immediately causes us to be gripped by you. One suggestion I have is to introduce the reader to the familiar feeling of observing someone who is worse off than yourself and feeling guilty about it. That is something almost every middle class person has probably experienced in their lives, whether it's seeing a homeless person on the street from your car when it's 10 above zero outside, or a classmate in middle school who always wears the same ragged, smelly shirt because his parents aren't rich enough to afford him any new clothes. You need to get the reader thinking about this feeling so that they immediately sympathize with what you're talking about, and then you need to launch into how you don't want to just sit there feeling guilty anymore -- you want to help people goddamn it, this single experience with this lady in the grocery store convinced you to change your entire fricking career. The way it's written now, I had no idea why we're talking about boring grocery store lines for an entire paragraph, and then I stopped reading. You don't want to risk that same problem with an adcomm.



If literally all you're looking for truly is proofreading, though...

and he would be able to complete her transaction when she returned. It took no more than a minute for us to complete our purchase and we were on our way.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:39 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please proofread and comment. Wanting to submit tonight!

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:09 pm

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