I know I know...Another Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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OneSixtySix
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I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby OneSixtySix » Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:15 am

[edit]

Thank you for everyones input!
Last edited by OneSixtySix on Sun Jan 17, 2010 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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OneSixtySix
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby OneSixtySix » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:35 am

No takers?

You can be as brutal as you wish. I'm willing to swap as well!

dlee975
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby dlee975 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 11:14 am

I wish you would tie in the experience with why you want to be an attorney. It read for me as if you had this exhausting experience, now its over, and now you want to be an attorney. Do you want to study health law as a result of your senior thesis? You seem to be a good technical writer but try to be a bit more "personal." Sorry if this doesn't help too much.

ru2009
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby ru2009 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:19 pm

I think it's a good topic, especially now with all the health care issues, but I thought it was kind of boring. It's hard to continue reading a personal statement that opens with talking about paper printing.

dlee975
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby dlee975 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:39 pm

ru2009 wrote:I think it's a good topic, especially now with all the health care issues, but I thought it was kind of boring. It's hard to continue reading a personal statement that opens with talking about paper printing.


poor 166. I remember reading about how you were having a hard time writing your ps.

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OneSixtySix
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby OneSixtySix » Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:24 pm

dlee975 wrote:
ru2009 wrote:I think it's a good topic, especially now with all the health care issues, but I thought it was kind of boring. It's hard to continue reading a personal statement that opens with talking about paper printing.


poor 166. I remember reading about how you were having a hard time writing your ps.


haha I am. I realized that this was not fascinating, but appreciate hearing it from a reader. Any other suggestions, perhaps how to make this more readable?

I do want to stay on a safe topic, and understand that means it will be to some extent a bore fest.

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

ru2009
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby ru2009 » Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:14 pm

I mean, your style of writing is very interesting it's just the content is a little boring, I guess mainly the introduction. Being a recent college graduate, I could relate more if you said something like "it was my fourth cup of coffee at 4 a.m. in the library and i'd finally finished the document i'd spend xxx hours xx minutes on blah blah blah" but you are not writing for me, you are writing for old law schools admissions people who might not remember doing that decades ago.

athena
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby athena » Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:52 pm

Okay..cut the two paras off ..too dramatic...I am not sure about the ' i have no idea why yuo took the subject...'...it might sound good casually but it could also be taken as okay..this person is just doing it for the heck of it... If you can change it around..to put the positive side of taking the course of it..and perhaps end it with I have no idea why..I guess it would be okay if you really want to put that sentence in.
The fifth para speaks abhout you doing a lot of research for a single word...I like the fact that you research very well. But just writing a thesis stimulating your intellectual development seems a bit out of place...can u think of any specific experience in yhour life that would achieve the same effect???

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JordynAsh
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby JordynAsh » Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:00 pm

dlee975 wrote:I wish you would tie in the experience with why you want to be an attorney. It read for me as if you had this exhausting experience, now its over, and now you want to be an attorney. Do you want to study health law as a result of your senior thesis? You seem to be a good technical writer but try to be a bit more "personal." Sorry if this doesn't help too much.


+1. Definitely elaborate on why this experience has pushed you towards law. It's evident you are a good writer, so I think you can fix this relatively easily.

b.j.
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby b.j. » Wed Jan 13, 2010 11:43 pm

A few general thoughts.

This is by no means bad. The idea is solid, and you can clearly write well, but there are few things I'd work on:

1. There's way too much description of the thesis printing out. It's not that this is bad, just unnecessary after a certain point. It's fine to describe it in the beginning or in the end, but I wouldn't do both.

2. It doesn't really discuss why you want to be a lawyer. It's obvious you have an interest in law school, since you are applying, but there probably needs to be some connection to why you want to be a lawyer.

3. You could probably add in a little description of what specifically made you so interested in this field. If you can work in a particular angle that relates to why you want to be a lawyer, like I said before, that would be good.

4. I'd try to tie the detailed process of composing a thesis into the fact that you apparently don't mind working for a long time on a particular project. I imagine the sort of stamina that displays is necessary to succeed in law school, if the work load that I've read about is any indication, and indicating that you have it would come across well.

If you are interested in having me read your next draft, or if you wouldn't mind taking a look at mine, just PM me.

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OneSixtySix
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Re: I know I know...Another Personal Statement

Postby OneSixtySix » Wed Jan 13, 2010 11:53 pm

Thanks all for the advice! I actually applied to a few of my targets with a slightly revised version of this, but am working on major revisions for my reaches.

Funny thing is, I'm having no problem with "Why X" essays. I think the format of the PS is a little bit more difficult for me since its less direct and formulaic than the writing I'm used to.

Thanks again, the advice is sincerely appreciated. I will post a revision in a day or so.




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