BUM SEX

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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superhands
Posts: 77
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BUM SEX

Postby superhands » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:40 pm

Now that I have your attention, please critique my personal statement:

Sitting behind my desk one sweltering August afternoon, I began to wonder how much longer I could last in my cramped office until I succumbed to heat exhaustion. Then the phone rang. "Hello," I answered. After a brief pause, a weary voice on the other end responded, "I've nearly reached the end of my rope... please, I need some help." Clearly, this was a person whose problems significantly outweighed my own.
As an assistant to a bankruptcy attorney, I have worked with many clients in need of help. Deborah's story, however, is one that I will always remember. The XXX State Bar Pro Bono Program referred her to the firm I worked for, and as our conversation moved along I could tell that she was in a tight spot. "He took everything from me," she cried, "that Jason is a class-A jerk." Jason, I soon discovered, was the type of person who would use fear and intimidation to rob an elderly woman of nearly every penny that she owned. I began to feel enraged when she told me that he was still at large, and even more so when she explained how she was overwhelmed with guilt because of her decision to seek relief through bankruptcy. Jason used her loneliness to his advantage. Deborah was easily convinced to cosign loan after loan for him, and through little fault of her own she became trapped underneath an insurmountable mountain of debt.
Before meeting Deborah, I had little experience with bankruptcy. Like many I held the misconception that bankruptcy was an easy way for debtors to renege on their promises. As I guided more and more individuals through the Chapter 7 process, I realized how wrong I really was. I learned how additions to the Bankruptcy Code, such as the Means Test, barred nearly all who had the ability to satisfy their creditors from seeking relief through a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Most of the eligible people I worked with had been cast away in a storm of unfortunate events, in dire need of relief, people much like Deborah.
A week after our initial phone consultation, Deborah was sitting across from me in a cold, sterile conference room. From her solemn countenance I sensed that she was not entirely comfortable with the situation. As I was instructing her how to fill out the worksheets required to initiate her bankruptcy proceeding, she began to weep. I paused for a moment and then continued. I had never encountered anything like this before, and for a moment I was at a loss as to what to say. Her sobs soon became deafening. I needed to say something. "There is no reason to feel ashamed," I told her, "there are thousands of people who find themselves in similar situations." At that moment she began to calm down. "Bankruptcy is an option available to those in need of help, and soon you'll be awarded a fresh start." As Deborah left it appeared as if she underwent a drastic transformation. Gone was the guilt ridden, trembling woman of a few hours ago. It was clear, from her long confident strides out the door, that a giant burden had been lifted from her shoulders.
Several months later, the news confirming the promise I had initially made to Deborah arrived. The order discharging her indebtedness had been granted. The threatening phone calls from creditors, never ending interest charges, and feelings of helplessness were all things of the past. Deborah had indeed received her fresh start.
Through my experience with Deborah I have been inspired by the law's capacity to aid individuals in need. Helping her get a second chance was one of my proudest accomplishments, as well as the reason why I wish to pursue a career in law. Having empathized with clients in a real world environment, I believe that I will not only bring a unique perspective to the classroom, but also my determination to overcome difficult situations. If admitted this fall I will pursue my legal studies with the same vigor I have applied to the workplace and emerge with the knowledge necessary to continue to be an agent of positive change.

lewis louis
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Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2009 2:08 am

Re: BUM SEX

Postby lewis louis » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:41 pm

So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

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nixxers
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby nixxers » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:44 pm

Looks pretty solid to me. Do a thorough proofread for grammatical stuff and you should be okay.

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superhands
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby superhands » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:21 am

lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.


Funny, this coming from someone who replied within one minute after the initial post.

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jonas586
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby jonas586 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:48 am

lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

I think you just revealed to everyone that you were only in this thread for the bum sex.

BenJ
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Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:58 pm

Re: BUM SEX

Postby BenJ » Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:48 am

jonas586 wrote:
lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

I think you just revealed to everyone that you were only in this thread for the bum sex.


That's the only reason I glanced at the thread.

The PS looks good, though. I don't see anything in particular to change. It's just sorely lacking in bum sex. Working some in might improve your chances.

Try to include the name of each law school somewhere in your final paragraph. "...pursue my legal studies at Bob Lob Law with the same vigor..."

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superhands
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby superhands » Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:47 pm

bump

hds2388
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby hds2388 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:56 pm

BenJ wrote:Try to include the name of each law school somewhere in your final paragraph. "...pursue my legal studies at Bob Lob Law with the same vigor..."


Yeah, let them know that you can use the merge function in MS Word; if you can master that, you can certainly master law school.

Seriously, though, I wouldn't feel the need to do that. IMO, it is rather contrived (and very easy to mess up and do FAR more damage than any negligible good). If you want to write a targeted statement, write one. Don't just throw in the name for brownie points. They know you're interested in going to their specific school; you applied to go there.

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beesknees
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby beesknees » Tue Jan 12, 2010 8:00 pm

BenJ wrote:
jonas586 wrote:
lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

I think you just revealed to everyone that you were only in this thread for the bum sex.


That's the only reason I glanced at the thread.

The PS looks good, though. I don't see anything in particular to change. It's just sorely lacking in bum sex. Working some in might improve your chances.

Try to include the name of each law school somewhere in your final paragraph. "...pursue my legal studies at Bob Lob Law with the same vigor..."


I go there, its great.

lewis louis
Posts: 131
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2009 2:08 am

Re: BUM SEX

Postby lewis louis » Tue Jan 12, 2010 8:14 pm

jonas586 wrote:
lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

I think you just revealed to everyone that you were only in this thread for the bum sex.


Honestly...I don't think I did that at all, heh.

hds2388
Posts: 206
Joined: Tue Aug 04, 2009 4:07 pm

Re: BUM SEX

Postby hds2388 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 8:15 pm

lewis louis wrote:
jonas586 wrote:
lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

I think you just revealed to everyone that you were only in this thread for the bum sex.


Honestly...I don't think I did that at all, heh.



hard to say.

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jonas586
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby jonas586 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:08 pm

lewis louis wrote:
jonas586 wrote:
lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

I think you just revealed to everyone that you were only in this thread for the bum sex.

Honestly...I don't think I did that at all, heh.

lewis louis wrote:So inappropriate. I didn't read your PS, by the way. TL,DNR.

So you entered a thread called 'butt sex'--almost faster than the thread itself was created, and instead of leaving any comment relevant to the actual discussion, you proclaim (not once but twice mind you) that you didn't even read the post. Your reason for not reading the post, as you so elegantly state, is because it was 'TL'.

Now, I agree with you that the post was long, but seeing how it is located in the Personal Statement forum --a forum dedicated to the exchange of personal statements-- I have to wonder what else you might have been expecting other than a long post of someone else's PS. Since you obviously had no intention of reading a long PS, I can only assume you would have never entered this thread unless there was some other factor drawing you in; a factor that might have suggested this thread wasn't just another personal statement. Face it, you entered the thread in hopes of a little butt sex.

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superhands
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby superhands » Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:22 am

bum bump

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Cavalier
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Re: BUM SEX

Postby Cavalier » Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:28 am

I was actually expecting a personal statement on bum sex that would soon become more legendary on TLS than the personal statement of Pre Law Delt. Needless to say, after reading the beginning of the topic I was quite disappointed.




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