Yet another Personal Statement. Advice appreciated!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
melaniec
Posts: 51
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:32 pm

Yet another Personal Statement. Advice appreciated!

Postby melaniec » Mon Jan 11, 2010 4:11 pm

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Last edited by melaniec on Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

melaniec
Posts: 51
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:32 pm

Re: Yet another Personal Statement. Advice appreciated!

Postby melaniec » Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:45 am

bumpp

dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: Yet another Personal Statement. Advice appreciated!

Postby dlee975 » Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:48 pm

melaniec wrote:This will be sent to UF, UMiami and FSU. I've just got to put in a conclusion--- do I need to relate this in any way to law school? I'd appreciate any advice regarding grammar, content, style, and how I could end it. Thanks! Also, if you've got a PS, I would be happy to critique yours as well. Feel free to PM me.


Little did I know that lunch with Natalie one afternoon of my sophomore year of college would alter the course of my life. She told me about her experience as a health educator through XXXX University’s Peer Health Exchange (PHE), a program dedicated to providing health education to students in underprivileged XXX City high schools.

After witnessing Sonia’s struggle, I was inspired to help teenagers at risk for being in abusive relationships; Peer Health Exchange offered an excellent way of doing so. Starts off with Natalie influencing your decision for PHE and then it was Sonia's struggle

While Natalie recounted how one girl who approached her after class for advice, I was reminded of my cousin Sonia’s story from several years earlier. Confusing sentence

Within weeks, I attained certification and training as a health educator for X City high schools. Facilitating workshops proved challenging at first, as several students expressed disinterest in the subject matter. From not-so-discreet texting to working on homework for other classes, they did everything but participate in the workshops. After several classes, however, I developed tactics: standing next to the desk of a daydreaming kid was sufficient to bring him back to reality; occupying the space between two chattering students quickly terminated their conversation; and befriending the “cool kid” of the class did wonders to garner everyone’s approval. Additionally, incorporating current events and employing role-play scenarios presented the workshop material in a way that was more relatable to the students.

Throughout the course of the academic year, I began to look forward to teaching the ninth graders. Did you not enjoy this before?I facilitated workshops to a different class each week, [strike]yet[/strike]and always succeeded in establishing a connection with the students. With my acquired teaching skills, I led meaningful class discussions that reached even beyond the expanse of the required workshop material. How?Additionally, my role in PHE surpassed that of a health educator. I was someone who cared about the students and wanted them to succeed. Do PHE's not care about students or want them to succeed?Since many of the students grew up in unstable households lacking encouragement or support, I sought to provide as much guidance as possible. When workshops ended early, I would spend the remaining time by discussing college and giving advice on the application process. I enjoyed these more personal conversations.

My most memorable experience in Peer Health Exchange occurred several months into the program. Although students were not permitted to reveal personal information during the workshop, I quickly ascertained one girl’s “hypothetical” situation to be her reality. During a discussion of the various types of abusive behaviors, she posed a startling question: “If the girl does something to upset her boyfriend, then isn’t the abuse her own fault?” Taken aback by her viewpoint, I gently explained that absolutely nothing a person does could warrant such abuse. Throughout the course of the workshop, I could sense this girl reevaluating her own relationship and, at the end, she approached me for help under the guise of the hypothetical situation. She revealed that her boyfriend would always get jealous whenever she talked to another male; he would constantly accuse her of flirting and call her inappropriate names. After each bout of emotional abuse, he would buy her something to “make up for it.” As per PHE’s stringent policy, I could not give the girl explicit advice, but strongly urged her to take advantage of the numerous hotlines and clinics that PHE advertised. That was the last time I saw her. Even though I never learned what happened afterwards, I helped this girl overcome one of the most difficult steps: recognizing that a relationship is abusive. It was gratifying knowing that I could have such an impact on someone’s life, especially in a realm so personal to me. Prior to volunteering in Peer Health Exchange, I would have never imagined that I could so positively influence someone with my words, yet that day marked the first time I immediately elicited the promise of change.
Simplify the conclusion..not so much detail

melaniec
Posts: 51
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:32 pm

Re: Yet another Personal Statement. Advice appreciated!

Postby melaniec » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:32 pm

Thanks so much for your feedback! I'll use it when I revise my draft.

Anyone else willing to give it a look?

athena
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 4:31 pm

Re: Yet another Personal Statement. Advice appreciated!

Postby athena » Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:48 am

You have a great story to tell but rather than focusing on Sonia..i think you should make it more about you. ...Secondly this seems to be more of a story about your experiences with the program, I dont see why you want to go to law school in this...




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