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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
silas84
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 7:18 pm

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Postby silas84 » Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:43 am

Thanks.
Last edited by silas84 on Wed Jan 13, 2010 12:17 am, edited 3 times in total.

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summerstar
Posts: 165
Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 6:40 pm

Re: Desperately seeking advice on my final draft! Help please!

Postby summerstar » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:24 am

Compelling story, but you need to tie in your interest in law, and specifically what branch, much earlier and with greater detail. Do you want to study International law? Laws of war? Why? Bring this in well before your last paragraph.

Also, in the fourth paragraph, you use "this" to refer to two separate things in subsequent sentences. Identify and clarify your points. As it stands now, it reads "this incident" is the loss of your buddy which you are reflecting on, and then "this experience" was rewarding, when, in fact, you're referring to your tour of duty.

Typo on lost...you mean loss.

I would ditch the use of the word "composed"...it sounds prim in this context. (We all know, under those circumstances what you really want to say, and with all justification, is: " I had to keep my shit together".) Don't be afriad to sound like the soldier you have now become, within the bounds of decorum. Also, if you sound TOO "composed" you come off sounding like a pressure cooker ready to burst at any time.

A good place to introduce your objective is the end of paragraph four when you bring up your goals and your decision to pursue them. How do they tie into the internship program? Did you want to be a lawyer prior to this, and what was the deciding factor?

All the best!

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fl0w
Posts: 1404
Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 9:46 am

Re: Desperately seeking advice on my final draft! Help please!

Postby fl0w » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:27 am

also, there's no need to start your essay with a question. when starting the essay, the reader wants to be drawn in and begin to understand what you will be telling them about, not look at an unnecessary question that is answered in the next sentence.




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