Almost Final Draft - please critique

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texlax29
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 5:55 pm

Almost Final Draft - please critique

Postby texlax29 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 8:24 pm

I have 2 endings here, so let me know which one is better. Also, anything else that you find needs work. Thanks in advance for your advice.

“You can’t do that,” one of my teammates laughed while he rolled his eyes and smirked in my direction. My sophomore year of college had just come to a close, and along with it, another lacrosse season. Our team had missed out on the conference championship for the first time in four years. The team went out to dinner to talk about our defeat, and talk about our lofty goals for the next season. As the conversation turned from team goals to personal goals I said that wanted to be an All-American Attackman. My friends laughed at the notion.

All summer I worked to get myself not only in the physical shape to handle the work load that was to come, but also fine tuning the skills that are required to excel at the game of lacrosse. It was a grueling process, but I was enjoying every step of the way. I was running, lifting weights and practicing 6 hours a day, 6 days a week. The only day that I would take off to recover would be Sunday. The summer finally ended, and I was ready to take on the challenge. As my training continued into the fall, I now had to balance a full school schedule along with maintaining my intense training regimen. I established a routine had me up at six in the morning to lift weights for two hours before class. Once I was finished with class I headed out to the practice field for an hour of individual drills before a team practice in the evening. Also, there were a few nights a week that I led a group on a two mile run after practice.

By the time the season was ready to begin in the spring semester, I was ready due to my intense training over the previous months. After the first few games, I was leading the team in points, but this alone would not be enough to get me All-American honors. The national record setting performances I had against Grand Canyon and Oklahoma State would work in my favor. First, against Grand Canyon, I tied the record for most points in a game with 13. Then two weeks later, we played Oklahoma State, I beat my earlier record for most points in a game when I scored 17. During that game I also set the record for most assists in a game with 13. I kept up the hard work as the season progressed, and felt a great deal of pride as I saw my name climb to the number one spot in assists, total points, and points per game.

Ending #1 -
When the season had come to a close, I did everything I could to become one of the nation’s elite players, but I did not know the outcome of the voting. The All-American team is decided on by a panel of coaches from around the country who vote on the nation’s best players, and is announced at halftime of the national championship game. Being from Dallas, I was able to attend the national championship at Texas Stadium. I sat in the stands and the anticipation was mounting as the buzzer sounded to end the half. I knew that, regardless of the outcome, I could take satisfaction in the fact that I had approached my goal with the same diligent preparation, unwavering focus, and dedication that I apply to all aspects of my life. They called the names for the other positions first with the last position being the attackmen. I finally heard my name called and could not contain my excitement. I had done it. I had accomplished my goal that took a year of hard work, and I savored every moment of my victory.

Ending #2 -
When the season had come to a close, I did everything I could to become one of the nation’s elite players, but I did not know the outcome of the voting. The All-American team is decided on by a panel of coaches from around the country who vote on the nation’s best players, and is announced at halftime of the national championship game. Being from Dallas, I was able to attend the national championship at Texas Stadium. I sat in the stands and the anticipation was mounting as the buzzer sounded to end the half. They called the names for the other positions first with the last position being the attackmen. I finally heard my name called and could not contain my excitement. I had done it. I had accomplished my goal the same way I approach all aspects of my life, with diligent preparation, unwavering focus, and unmatched dedication. I sat in the stands of Texas Stadium and savored every moment of my victory.

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usuaggie
Posts: 585
Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 8:43 pm

Re: Almost Final Draft - please critique

Postby usuaggie » Sun Jan 10, 2010 11:38 pm

Being from Dallas

dont start a sentence with "being" anything

as a personal statement, this doesnt tell you why you want to be a lawyer. it doesnt answer why you would make a good lawyer. it is a really good personal experience, and congratulations (really awesome), but i dont know what it does to function as a PS.

using tls article on PS

1. Where to Begin: Motivate Yourself!
check. I like the story a lot.

2. Write for Your Audience
how does this apply to admissions to law school? how does it answer the questions they are wondering? the story is great, but it doesnt do anything a PS is supposed to do, besides show you can be motivated.

3. Anticipate the Committee’s Cross-Examination
they will ask why law school? what does this have to do with law school? why our law school? does any of this relate to success in academics?


you do a lot of good things too. you don't focus just on saying "ive always wanted to be a lawyer. i am good at arguing. i like to read. handcuffs and gavels make me happy." etc etc.
What I recommend is taking this story, and putting a voice inside of it that has some sort of argument to it. explain what it taught you a little bit more. what does it have to do with being a lawyer? or at the very least, a law student.


here is the link http://www.top-law-schools.com/statement.html

overall, I really like your story, but it is just that- a story. Reread it, but in the shoes of your audience (the admissions committee). PM me if you have any questions for me about what i said




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