Please critique/rate/destroy my personal statement.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nosaj
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 10:08 pm

Please critique/rate/destroy my personal statement.

Postby nosaj » Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:08 pm

Hey Guys,

This has already been submitted but I am interested in what people have to say. Thanks for any help. If I have to apply again the advice will go a long way I'm sure. I have included the stars just for the general info and personal stuff


Academically my tactic was always to only keep-pace; unfortunately, I chose to hit full-stride late. After five-years of divorce-ordered boarding school spent at ****** ( A private boarding school), I was immature and unexposed, a fact reflected by my early-college grades. I made a mistake. In 2004 I graduated with a Business-Administration Diploma and joined a long-term care operation in which my father held stake. Over two years I was promoted from dishwashing to a position of management, eventually involved with the daily-operations and strategic-managerial decisions. My résumé provides greater detail. While employed, I enrolled part-time at *****University to finish my education; also, I completed the Financial Security Courses and acquired my Real Estate Agent certification.

Three years into my employment the shareholder’s relationship had grown hostile and I found myself caught in the middle: employed by one partner, the son of another. It grew untenable; therefore, I resigned and returned to school full-time. Instantaneously, my desire to pursue an education in law emerged, though I knew my previous-marks posed a problem. With a found purpose finally behind my studies I stalked the objective; immediately, my grades reflected my effort. Though often it required perseverance, two-years later I graduated.

To obtain my Bachelor of Commerce I chose a road with no shortcuts: distance education. A decision filled with adversity. It mandated determination, discipline, and unwavering attention. This strength of character, my candour, ability to lead, and devotion to my education are only a few of the attributes I would add to the diversity of ******* ’s Faculty of Law.

Unfortunately, my studying for the LSAT needed to be done twice. The second attempt only further fuelled my drive to pursue an education in law. Experience gathered from my father, an architect, has highlighted the service-industry’s importance; my undergraduate education exposed its potential. Both lead me to believe I hold the qualities required of a successful law student: hunger for knowledge, determination to satisfy its pangs, the ambition to find success in chosen battles and the analytical ability needed to do so. Therefore, my resolve to study law is not altruistic, but rather to further my education and then, as a lawyer, to continually test myself in competitive environments.


The words above bare only a sliver of my character. What I have not mentioned is my absolute fervour to attend Law School. Since recognizing entrance was attainable, through dedication and committance, it has been my sole objective. Furthermore, after a great deal of research I sincerely hope to do so within the combined program available through the University of *** and ****. This program is my first choice of attendance. I am a capable student, with exposure to the corporate workforce, seeking to rise above the challenge presented by an education in law.

aviddave
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2009 11:27 pm

Re: Please critique/rate/destroy my personal statement.

Postby aviddave » Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:21 pm

I felt compelled to post...

I hope that the next time you apply, you have somebody proofread for you. This personal statement is filled with grammatical errors, sentence fragments, and excessive use of the passive voice. You even have a couple of spelling errors that your spell-check should have picked up (i.e. fuelled?). You capitalize words that shouldn't be, have extraneous hyphens, and choose to make up words like "committance" instead of using a thesaurus to choose another word for dedication. (Although, in reality, you were just being redundant.)

As for subject matter, I believe it is a mistake to cast yourself in a negative light. You've done so in this personal statement, and in abundance.

I apologize for the tone of my reply, but I'm disappointed that a TLS poster would submit a PS with so many errors. This all said, if you have a 4.0+ and a 175+, they may look past this statement and take you anyway.




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