Rate My PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
WTR123
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:49 pm

Rate My PS

Postby WTR123 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 4:44 pm

Family tradition is no complex thing—rather, it is most often simplistic and even automatic. Though many may find adherence to familial custom a daunting task, the more difficult matter is that of making that great schism: the inevitable secession from the inherited custom of your forbearers and into the gulf of one’s own success of failure.

I am the first member of my family to ever attend college. My mother worked in construction; her father an auto mechanic; his father a railroad lineman; his own before him, the same. I never knew my own father till the age of 17, though his is a similar story. Mine is a tradition of honest labor and commitment founded in an inherent understanding that motivation is the sole arbiter of one’s fate. This is not to say, of course, that my family eschewed the pursuit of knowledge; rather they voraciously seized it. Autodidacts in the most complete sense of the word, they educated themselves in far more than merely the vocational arts: my uncle a veritable expert of Philosophy from Socrates to Hoffer; his father a virtuoso of American political history; his father able to recite the verse of Byron until the day dementia robbed him his memory. Higher education, however, never fit congruently with my family’s doctrine of knowledge. When I expressed the desire to attend my state’s flagship university, it was not met without considerable (and vocal) opposition: I was routinely informed of the perceived “pointlessness” of attending university, and the portrait of a soft-handed, insipid “Joe College” was frequently verbally illustrated for me.

Nonetheless, once I found myself within it, I flourished in environment of academia—and there set upon the goal of attending law school. In particular, my studies
in the undergraduate English degree program (concentrated in British Literature), inspired me to pursue a career in the legal realm. Through my studies, I gained both a respect for, and understanding of, the power of the written word as nothing less than the incarnation of man’s ability to express his will. Like the crafted word, law has a concrete form—yet contains numerous levels of interpretation. It is this incredible depth—innumerable fathoms of detail and complexity—that has (and will always) attract me to the field of law.

It is with no small bit of contentment that I am able to say that, as I write this, my family fully supports my decision to apply to law school. They have witnessed how the work ethic they instilled within me can be applied to the conviction of my choosing and most certainly lead to my betterment. They have come to respect my desire to purse a degree in law as much as I have come to appreciate the grit and gumption they cultivated within me.

Of all qualities one may possess, those of pure determination and self-motivation are most certainly paramount. However, potent though these raw personal aspects may be, they are at their best base—and at their worst destructive—if not tempered with honesty and moral conviction. I can say little more about myself to conclude this personal statement other than that I hold myself to this standard. I have sought education through the means of this principle, and will continue to do so. What I may lack in certain areas of natural intellect or ability, I will make unrelenting effort to rectify via sheer will and conviction. My ultimate goal by these means is an achieved excellence: As a human being; citizen; student; and son. It is a goal I believe myself one step closer to obtaining via admission to your school of law.

melaniec
Posts: 51
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:32 pm

Re: Rate My PS

Postby melaniec » Sun Jan 10, 2010 4:55 pm

I'm no expert editor, but here are a couple of things I noted-- just my honest opinion.
1. You left out a bunch of words in the middle of sentences, or perhaps it was intentional, but it doesn't make too much sense to me. Ex."her father an auto mechanic; his father a railroad lineman; his own before him, the same." It doesn't flow too well.
2. "What I may lack in certain areas of natural intellect or ability, I will make unrelenting effort to rectify via sheer will and conviction. My ultimate goal by these means is an achieved excellence: As a human being; citizen; student; and son. It is a goal I believe myself one step closer to obtaining via admission to your school of law."
These last few lines could be improved. For one thing, don't draw attention to the fact that you may not have natural intellect. That's a weakness. Number two, overall, those sentences don't flow. You don't say what you hope to achieve. You sound so certain you will succeed, but in what? Also, it seems irrelevant to talk about being a human being, citizen, son... it has nothing to do with the rest of your essay. Also, your last sentence doesn't make sense. How does getting a law degree make you achieve excellence? Again, you're so vague in everything. What do you hope to achieve?

Overall it's well written, but lacks in depth and personality. I don't feel like I know anything about you, since you focus on your family too much, and just say how you want to attain excellence.

wizger
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:22 am

Re: Rate My PS

Postby wizger » Sun Jan 10, 2010 5:12 pm

+1
writing ability:8-9/10
content:3-4/10

User avatar
rw2264
Posts: 314
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:59 am

Re: Rate My PS

Postby rw2264 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 5:18 pm

too many big words. it sounds like you're trying too hard. but yes, you are a good writer.

southfloridacees
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 6:02 pm

Re: Rate My PS

Postby southfloridacees » Sun Jan 10, 2010 6:22 pm

Great statement. Maybe too many big words. Best of Luck.




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