existenz wrote:Here's my viewpoint, take it or leave it.
First, you need to step back and think about the key purpose of your PS. What are you trying to say? Even with the revisions, 75% of your essay is about why you wanted to go into entertainment, and what you accomplished while you were there. Law doesn't show up until the last few paragraphs, with not a lot of depth behind your motivation or reasoning. Is it really that your inner teenage voice is telling you to try something new? I know that's the theme of your essay, but I don't like it. Teenagers are immature, you're a grown man (or woman) now, you surely have better reasons to go into law other than a desire to experiment.
In other words, your essay does a better job of explaining why you wanted to go into the entertainment business than it does of explaining why you want to go into the practice of law. That's not a good thing.
On the plus side, you have amazing entertainment business experience that will definitely make you a prime candidate for entertainment law. Even with all the problems with this essay, you would stand out somewhat. I like your descriptions of your successful career, as well as the sentences explaining your interest in various aspect of entertainment law. Good stuff. But you'd help yourself by doing a major revisions to the overall essay.
I would start by eliminating the first paragraph entirely. It isn't a very well written story and sounds a bit too generic. Apparently you developed your love for storytelling at this convalescent home, but the old/sick folks who live at this home are never mentioned or made real. It feels too much like a cliched personal statement attempt to tie a childhood story into your reason to go to law school. Forget that. You've lived a long time since then, and this essay isn't about why you want to go into entertainment. It's about going into law. If you want to start with a story, I'd start with a story that highlights the moment when you decided law was for you. I can't imagine what that story would be. It's your life, perhaps you have a great "a-ha" moment that adcomms might like.
Instead of a story, your could write an intro paragraph that plays up your strengths and lays out the essential thesis of your PS -- which SHOULD be something along the lines of "I've achieved success in entertainment, but I am drawn to enter the legal side of the business for XXX reasons".
2nd paragraph could lay out, briefly, your career in entertainment. The skills and knowledge you have learned, the experience you have. Don't bother with name-dropping, though you could mention some companies you worked for if they are very well known (though remember that your resume should contain this stuff as well).
Third paragraph, detail your interest in entertainment law. I like the stuff you wrote about practicing in LA, specializing in copyright and union issues and studio deals and what not. This shows you are serious and have thought about what you want to do. It separates you from the typical "I want to save the world" applicants.
Fourth paragraph -- Summary. Tied into your thesis, and the story in the first paragraph if you have one. The people reading the essay want to know what makes you tick, what kind of person you are, how committed you are to practicing law. Don't treat these as questions you have to specifically answer, but as guidelines to direct your summation. Let the real you come out somehow, even if it's just your writing style.
I think you have a lot going for you, but your current essay doesn't do you justice. Good luck!
Great notes, they address the lingering doubts I've had about the PS. Thanks!