Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Sun Jan 10, 2010 12:12 pm

Would love to hear what y'all think since I'm getting close to the deadline...be brutal!


I remember the moment vividly: I was a teenager in high school, just sixteen years old. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed was unexpectedly bittersweet: on one hand, it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of personal attention they so desperately craved and deserved. But the difficult part was that near the end of our visit, after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases, we were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation became filled with reminiscence of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of what they would do if they could do it all over again. To some, that short time might have seemed like a heartbreaking eternity as they tried to end the conversation and dash for the exit. But for me, a light bulb went on. At the end of my time in this life, I never wanted to end up wishing I had done more with my life. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.

When I started thinking about a career I knew right away that I wanted to be in media, specifically the entertainment industry. The power that it has to persuade, motivate and inspire people had been a fascinating enigma to me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television and laugh, cry, feel proud, feel shock or disgust, to tug on their heartstrings or make them mad as hell. It is a power that can make people want to fight the man or help their fellow man, to back a war or to rise in protest against it. So the moment I graduated with my B.A. in communications, I set a course toward becoming the commander-in-chief of this power—the producer. A producer is like the conductor of an orchestra, bringing together all of the strategic, creative and execution elements to create a work. To be a great one, I would have to know a good deal about what all of the different people working with me did in their positions. So I spent a great deal of time filling in the blanks between what I learned in my undergraduate work and what it would take to be successful in the highly competitive entertainment world: budgeting, negotiating, visual structure, design and story telling, as well as marketing and advertising strategy, my intended specialty. Two years later, when I felt I was finally prepared, I interviewed for my first big job in production management.

I did not just apply to any firm that I thought would accept me. Through a series of contacts I had made, I received an invitation to meet with XXXX, the largest and most influential creative advertising agency in the television world at that time. After one interview, I was hired as a production coordinator, and within a year I was a full-fledged producer. By the second year, I was commanding millions of dollars in budgets and handling international clients from the United Kingdom to the Middle East, and for the rest of my time there I would travel the world, launching and promoting television channels and working directly with clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of XXX and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and XXX.


My work at XXX over the next several years garnered more than a dozen industry awards and a lot of recognition. So much in fact that in November, 2001 I was sought out by a theatrical marketing firm looking for someone with television expertise to grow and manage the entire operation. The idea of leaving a secure job and successful position after September 11, when the entertainment industry –like many others- was in financial chaos, for a tiny, unknown company seemed like an insane notion. But after three months of interviews (me interviewing them, mostly) I saw the potential in this small group of people, and I knew it was an opportunity to do something great—something that would make a mark in the industry, make a difference to my future employees, and be personally rewarding for myself. I would have to start from zero, writing a business plan and figuring out how to execute it on a shoestring budget. It would be a gamble and would take an unbelievable amount of time and sweat, but I had reached the point in my career that I once again knew I was ready to make the leap.

As I write this, it has been eight years to the day that I made that decision. I’m glad I did. What began as a group of six people grossing only XXX annually has become one of the top creative advertising firms in the television industry, with more than 40 full-time employees and billings of nearly $XXX million a year. Our work has been seen around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. The industry has recognized our work with awards that number in the dozens, and I am asked to speak on entertainment marketing around the world, most recently in Singapore, Mumbai, and New York City, and to date I have been fortunate enough to visit 15 countries, almost all through my job. As it turns out I may not have been convincing the masses to rise up and fight the man, but I was successfully convincing millions of them to tune into my client’s network, watch their show, or get off the couch on a Friday night and pay ten dollars to see one of their movies.

At every milestone in my career I have known when it is time to push myself further. I know at what point I am prepared to do so, and when I need to do it to quell the voice of that teenage boy in my ear, constantly pushing me to move forward in life without regret. This is one of those times. I know that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the volume of high-level relationships I have made along the way will advance this next stage of my career much faster than I could have ever hoped as a fresh undergrad. I have been on the client side of the table –in dealing with contracts, licensing, intellectual property, union issues and more– and can now more fully understand and appreciate what my future clients’ concerns will be. I have developed skills that are critical to the field—negotiation, persuasion, organization, verbal and written communications, and in managing and motivating people and personalities of all types to achieve a goal. Since I plan on staying in California, I know that XXX Law School’s solid Entertainment Law program, and excellent reputation would be a critical part of that package moving forward.

Things have never been handed to me nor have they always come as easy as it might seem. I am only the third generation of my family born in the United States and just the second to attend college, my father was the first as a XXX graduate. I was born in a small, blue-collar suburb of XXX, and it was only through the hard work of myself and my family that I am where I am today. At any point in my life, things could have very easily taken a different turn. Because of that, I value hard work and self-motivation, and appreciate when I see it in others. For a few years now I have been a supporter of Chrysalis, the LA Mission and Habitat for Humanity, all organizations that help people help themselves. At a certain point in one’s life, especially when the world has given so much, it comes time to give back. I know that besides furthering myself once again, a law degree could help do that in spades.

I am confident that at this point in my life and with a law degree, I can bring a great deal of knowledge to the law profession, honor and recognition to my future alma mater, and greater philanthropy to my community. And when it’s all said and done, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.

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Georgiana
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby Georgiana » Sun Jan 10, 2010 12:17 pm

You're only applying to places that allow 4+ page PS's?

If the answer to that is not "YES," you need to cut out half of your PS and then re-post for comments.

SoCalKevin
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Sun Jan 10, 2010 12:34 pm

Georgiana wrote:You're only applying to places that allow 4+ page PS's?

If the answer to that is not "YES," you need to cut out half of your PS and then re-post for comments.




Which part(s) do you think I should concentrate on in the edited version?

athena
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby athena » Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:59 am

I think you can do away with the first paragraph ot cut it to a couple of sentences..since the idea is how you motivated yourself..u have brought it out in the other paragraphs..Secondly you need to cut short a lot of the unnecessay experiences..I mean yuo have 700 words or something in a 2 page essay and i dont think you have much room for a novel in that....
By the way just curious..what do ou mean by working with Sheikh Zayed directly as your client???..

DukeHopeful
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby DukeHopeful » Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:15 am

Georgiana wrote:You're only applying to places that allow 4+ page PS's?

If the answer to that is not "YES," you need to cut out half of your PS and then re-post for comments.


TITCR. You need to focus this primarily on how it demonstrates your ability to succeed in law. Your experience is very impressive, and this fact is not going to be lost on adcomms. In reading your statement, though, I almost feel like you are crazy to leave the field you have done so well in up until now. Why are you deciding that now, especially in light of this economy, is the right time to give it up for law school?

To help in your second question about what ought (and ought not) to be focused on, I feel like the second-to-last paragraph can be deleted entirely. Especially about being a supporter of certain org's, that to me means you sent in money for membership dues each year. Not that that is what you meant, but that's what I think of by your wording. Just not something that stands out to me as a law school applicant.

ru2009
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby ru2009 » Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:57 pm

is it necessary to use two colons in the first paragraph? I also don't have a problem starting sentences with "but" however you start two sentences in the first paragraph with it.

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daizee
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby daizee » Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:53 pm

I remember the moment vividly: I was a teenager

No colon unless listing a group of bulleted items.
I just asked about that at work today!
IF I'M WRONG, PLEASE CORRECT!

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devilishangelrjp
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby devilishangelrjp » Fri Jan 15, 2010 12:00 am

daizee wrote:I remember the moment vividly: I was a teenager

No colon unless listing a group of bulleted items.
I just asked about that at work today!
IF I'M WRONG, PLEASE CORRECT!


It's grammatically correct as is. But it would be better if it were two sentences, since remembering the moment has nothing directly to do with being a teenager.

SoCalKevin
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Fri Jan 15, 2010 4:37 pm

athena wrote:I think you can do away with the first paragraph ot cut it to a couple of sentences..since the idea is how you motivated yourself..u have brought it out in the other paragraphs..Secondly you need to cut short a lot of the unnecessay experiences..I mean yuo have 700 words or something in a 2 page essay and i dont think you have much room for a novel in that....
By the way just curious..what do ou mean by working with Sheikh Zayed directly as your client???..



I re-branded all of Emirates Media, and everything we did eventually went up to Sheikh Zayed for approval. Met with him a few times.

Thanks to everyone for the notes. Overall, does this read too much like a detailed resume? Would I be better off concentrating on my experiences around the world, in hopes of giving it a more unique angle? Or is the entertainment industry experience more helpful and impressive, esp considering I want to go into entertainment law?

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daizee
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby daizee » Fri Jan 15, 2010 4:46 pm

[strike]But[/strike]the day we performed was unexpectedly bittersweet: on one hand, it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, [strike]But[/strike]for me, a light bulb went on. At the end of my time in this life, I never wanted to end up wishing I had done more with my life. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.


In reading some other PS forums, the 'and' could potentially become detrimental.
If anyone else cares to comment about the 'but?'
Yeah, funny. funny!

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:00 pm

Here's the new version if I stick with this route, edited down from 1450 to 975 words...better?



I remember the moment vividly. I was a teenager in high school, just sixteen years old. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed was unexpectedly bittersweet. On one hand, it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of personal attention they so desperately craved and deserved. But the difficult part was that near the end of our visit, after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases, we were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation became filled with reminiscence of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of what they would do if they could do it all over again. While that might have been a heartbreaking moment for some was a defining one for me. I knew then that I never wanted to end up wishing I had done more with my life. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.

When I started thinking about a career I knew right away that I wanted to be in media, specifically the entertainment industry. The power that it has to persuade, motivate and inspire people had been a fascinating enigma to me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television and laugh, cry, feel proud, feel shock or disgust, to tug on their heartstrings or make them mad as hell. It is a power that can make people want to fight the man or help their fellow man, to back a war or to rise in protest against it. Focused, I entered the world of international television marketing right out of college.

Doing what I truly love has helped make me highly successful in my career. My first position was with the most influential and respected television branding agency in the world. During my tenure I negotiated and managed millions of dollars of work with prominent clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of British Sky Broadcasting and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and Emirates Media. When I accepted the top management position at creative agency XXX eight years ago, the company had only five employees and billings totaling just six figures. Today, it is a forty-person operation with billings in excess of $XXX. Our work has been seen around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. The industry has recognized our work with awards that number in the dozens, and I am asked to speak on entertainment marketing around the world, most recently in Singapore, Mumbai, and New York City, and to date I have been fortunate enough to visit 18 countries, almost all through my position. As it turns out I may not have been convincing the masses to rise up and fight the man, but I was successfully convincing millions of them to tune into my client’s network, watch their show, or get off the couch on a Friday night and pay ten dollars to see one of their movies.

At every milestone in my career I have known when it is time to push myself further. I know at what point I am prepared to do so, and when I need to do it to quell the voice of that teenage boy in my ear, constantly pushing me to move forward in life. This is one of those times. I know that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the volume of high-level relationships I have made along the way will advance this next stage of my career much faster than I could have ever hoped as a fresh undergraduate. I have been on the client side of the table –in dealing with contracts, licensing, intellectual property, union issues and more– and can now more fully understand and appreciate what my future clients’ concerns will be. I have developed skills that are critical to the field—negotiation, persuasion, organization, verbal and written communications, and in managing and motivating people and personalities of all types to achieve a goal. Since I plan on staying in California, I know that XXX School’s solid Entertainment Law program, and excellent reputation would be a critical part of that package moving forward.

Things have never been handed to me nor have they always come as easy as it might seem. I am only the third generation of my family born in the United States and just the second to attend college, my father was the first as a XXX graduate. I was born in a small, blue-collar suburb of XXX, and it was only through the hard incredibly work that I am where I am today. Because of that, I value hard work and self-motivation, and appreciate when I see it in others. For a few years now I have worked with Chrysalis, the Long Beach Mission and Habitat for Humanity, all organizations that help people help themselves. At a certain point in one’s life, especially when the world has given so much, it comes time to give back. I know that besides furthering myself once again, a law degree could help do that in spades.

I am confident that at this point in my life I can bring a great deal of knowledge to the law profession, honor and recognition to my future alma mater, and greater philanthropy to my community. And when it’s all said and done, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:02 pm

Oops, first graph corrected to read:


What might have been a heartbreaking moment for some was a defining one for me.

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ozarkhack
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby ozarkhack » Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:15 pm

SoCalKevin wrote:[strike]I remember the moment vividly.[/strike] I was a teenager in high school, just sixteen years old. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed was [strike]unexpectedly[/strike] bittersweet. [strike]On one hand,[/strike] it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of personal attention they [strike]so desperately[/strike] craved and deserved. But the difficult part was that near the end of our visit, after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed [strike]up[/strike] in their cases, we were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation [strike]became[/strike] filled with [strike]reminiscence[/strike] tales of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of what they would do if they could do it all over again. While that might have been a heartbreaking moment for some, it was a defining one for me.[strike]I knew then that I never wanted to end up wishing I had done more with my life. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.[/strike]

When I started thinking about a career I knew right away that I wanted to be in [strike]media, specifically[/strike] the entertainment industry.[strike]The power that it has to persuade, motivate and inspire people had been a fascinating enigma to me.[/strike] Only the [strike]entertainment world[/strike] the power of artistic (or whatever) performance can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television and to laugh or cry, [strike]or to feel pride, shock or disgust,[/strike] or to tug on their heartstrings or make them mad as hell. It is a power that can make people want to fight the man or help their fellow man, to back a war or to rise in protest against it. Focused, I entered the world of international television marketing[strike]right out of college[/strike].



Stopped there b/c I'm at work. Also, was tired of reading. Get shorter.

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:39 pm

860 words and it's feeling better. I kept the opening line but added a time reference to it- opening with something that happened 25 years ago seems to add importance to the line and grab attention. Anyone agree/disagree?




Even though it was 25 years ago, I still remember the moment vividly. I was a teenager in high school. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. The day we performed was bittersweet. It felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of personal attention they craved and deserved. But the difficult part was that near the end of our visit, after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases, we were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation filled with tales of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of what they would do if they could do it all over again. What might have been a heartbreaking moment for some was a defining one for me. I knew I never wanted to end up wishing I had done more with my life.

When I started thinking about a career I knew right away that I wanted to be in the entertainment industry. The power that it has to persuade, motivate and inspire people had always been fascinating to me. It brings together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television and laugh or cry, to feel proud or make them mad as hell. It is a power that can make people want to fight the man or help their fellow man, to back a war or to rise in protest against it. Focused and fresh out of college, I entered the world of international television marketing.

Doing what I truly love has helped make me highly successful. My first position was with the most influential and respected television branding agency in the world. During my tenure I negotiated and managed millions of dollars of work with prominent clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of British Sky Broadcasting and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and Emirates Media. When I later accepted the top management position at creative agency XXX, now eight years ago, the company had only five employees and billings totaling just six figures. Today, it is a forty-person operation with billings in excess of $XXX. Our work has been seen around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. The industry has recognized our work with awards that number in the dozens, and I am asked to speak on entertainment marketing around the world, most recently in Singapore, Mumbai, and New York City, and to date I have been fortunate enough to visit 18 countries, almost all through my position. As it turns out I may not have been convincing the masses to rise up and fight the man, but I was successfully convincing millions of them to tune into my client’s network, watch their show, or get off the couch on a Friday night and pay ten dollars to see one of their movies.

At every milestone in my career I have known when it is time to push myself further. I know at what point I am prepared to do so, and when I need to do it to quell the voice of that teenage boy in my ear, constantly pushing me to move forward in life. This is one of those times. I know that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the volume of high-level relationships I have made along the way will advance this next stage of my career much faster than I could have ever hoped as a fresh undergraduate. I have been on the client side of the table –in dealing with contracts, licensing, intellectual property, union issues and more– and can now more fully understand and appreciate what my future clients’ concerns will be. I have developed skills that are critical to the field—negotiation, persuasion, organization, verbal and written communications, and in managing and motivating people and personalities of all types to achieve a goal. Since I plan on staying in California, I know that XXX School’s solid Entertainment Law program, and excellent reputation would be a critical part of that package moving forward.

Things have never been handed to me nor have they always come as easy as it might seem. I am only the third generation of my family born in the United States and just the second to attend college. I was born in a small, blue-collar suburb of XXX, and it was only through the hard incredibly work that I am where I am today. As I continue to push myself, I am confident that at this point in my life I can bring a great deal of world experience to the law profession, honor and recognition to my future alma mater, and greater philanthropy to my community. And when it’s all said and done, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.

athena
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 4:31 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby athena » Sat Jan 16, 2010 3:13 am

Looks much better!
Though I still have doubts abt the background in the first paragaph..It's okay to set the mood for a novel but when u have word limitations, i am not sure. Also too, putting the names of your clients in..i think that shold be in your resume since the adcom wouldnt care ...

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PDaddy
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby PDaddy » Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:43 am

Try This! (just wanted to help a little)

I was a teenager in high school, just sixteen years old. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed was unexpectedly bittersweet.

On the one hand, it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of well-deserved personal attention. But the difficult part came near the end of our visit – after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases. We were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation was filled with reminiscence of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of "re-doing" their prime years.

To some, that short time may have seemed like a heartbreaking eternity as they tried to end the conversation and dash for the exit. For me, however, a light bulb went on. At that moment, I decided to live my life with no regrets. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.

I knew that I desired to be in a media-related profession, specifically the entertainment industry; its power to persuade and motivate people inspired me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television, to laugh or cry, and feel pride, shock or disgust. It can tug on their heartstrings or anger them into action, and arouse them to help their fellow man or back or protest against a war. Given that I wanted to be a purveyor of such information, I sought to use my B.A. in communications to become a producer.

A producer is like the conductor of an orchestra, bringing together all of the strategic, creative and execution elements to create a work. Succeeding at it would require me to learn about the entire process of creating and disseminating information, a large task. So I spent a great deal of time addressing the chasm between my undergraduate studies and both the technical and creative aspects of the highly competitive entertainment world. Once I felt prepared – two years later – I interviewed for my first big job in production management.

My job search was a judicious one by design; through my carefully constructed network, I received an invitation to meet with XXXX, the largest and most influential creative advertising agency in the television world at that time. Within a year of securing a production coordinator’s position I graduated to full-fledged producer. Overseeing million-dollar budgets and serving international clients as far away as the Middle East by my second year, I began traveling the world, launching and promoting television channels and working directly with clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of XXX and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and XXX.

My work at XXX over the next several years garnered more than a dozen industry awards and a lot of recognition, but I do not deserve all of the credit. Much of my success was the result of teamwork. And I am grateful that, as a result, a theatrical marketing firm considered me a viable candidate to grow and manage the entire operation. But before accepting the offer I had a great deal to consider.

The idea of leaving a secure job and successful position for a tiny, unknown company, when the entertainment industry was, like many other professions, in chaos, seemed like an insane notion. Three months of interviews (mostly my interviewing them), however, helped me to understand the potential in this small group of people, and I knew it was an opportunity to do something that would carve a niche the industry, make a difference to my future employees and others, and personally reward myself. I also relished the prospect of starting from “ground-zero”, writing a business plan and strategizing on a shoestring budget its execution. Of course this gamble would be time-consuming and challenging, but I wanted to be challenged.

As I write this, it has been eight years to the day that I made that decision. I’m glad I did. What began as a group of six people grossing only XXX annually has become one of the top creative advertising firms in the television industry, with more than 40 full-time employees and billings of nearly $XXX million a year. Our work has been seen around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. Time and again, the industry has awarded our work dozens of times, and I have the pleasure of speaking on entertainment marketing around the world.

Though we may not have instigated the masses to rise up and “fight the man”, we successfully convinced millions of them to tune into our clients’ networks or visit the theater to see their movies.

The milestones in my career and that teenage boy in my ear drive me to go further without regret. This is one of those times. I believe that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the relationships I have acquired along the way will advance me after law school. Having been on the client side of the table in dealing with contracts, licensing, union issues, and the like, I have gained a deep appreciation for my future clients’ concerns. The organizational skill-set I have developed in management, strategic decision-making, negotiation, and verbal and written communications, will ensure that I hit the ground running post-graduation. Since I plan on staying in California, I know that XXX Law School’s solid Entertainment Law program, and excellent reputation, would be a critical part of that package moving forward.

Part of only the third generation of my family born in the United States, and just the second to attend college, I have always worked hard, even struggled, for what I have gotten. My father was the first XXX graduate. I was born in a small, blue-collar suburb of XXX, and it was only through my hard work and my family’s support that I am where I am today. Given my understanding of the drive I employed in reaching my goals, I value ambition and perseverance in others, and believe in the reward of helping people. For a few years now I have been a supporter of Chrysalis, the LA Mission and Habitat for Humanity, organizations that motivate people to help themselves. Hence, it is only right that my life’s goals entail a holistic vision that includes service to clients, peers and the community at-large.

I am secure that with a law degree I may bring honor to my future alma mater by using my influence to better the legal profession and serve the needs of the community. And in the end, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.
Last edited by PDaddy on Sat Jan 16, 2010 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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grifter
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby grifter » Sat Jan 16, 2010 5:43 am

PDaddy wrote:Try This! (just wanted to help a little)

I was a teenager in high school, just sixteen years old. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed was unexpectedly bittersweet.

On the one hand, it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of well-deserved personal attention. But the difficult part came near the end of our visit – after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases. We were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation was filled with reminiscence of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of "re-doing" their prime years.

To some, that short time may have seemed like a heartbreaking eternity as they tried to end the conversation and dash for the exit. For me, however, a light bulb went on. At that moment, I decided to live my life with no regrets. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.

I knew that I desired to be in a media-related profession, specifically the entertainment industry; its power to persuade and motivate people inspired me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television, to laugh, cry, and feel pride, shock or disgust. It can tug on their heartstrings or anger them into action, arouse them to help their fellow man, or back or protest against a war. Given that I wanted to be a purveyor of such information, I sought to use my B.A. in communications to become a producer.

A producer is like the conductor of an orchestra, bringing together all of the strategic, creative and execution elements to create a work. Succeeding at it would require me to learn about the entire process of creating and disseminating information, a large task. So I spent a great deal of time addressing the chasm between my undergraduate studies and both the technical and creative aspects of the highly competitive entertainment world. Once I felt prepared – two years later – I interviewed for my first big job in production management.

My job search was a judicious one by design; through my carefully constructed network, I received an invitation to meet with XXXX, the largest and most influential creative advertising agency in the television world at that time. Within a year of securing a production coordinator’s position I graduated to full-fledged producer. Overseeing million-dollar budgets and serving international clients as far away as the Middle East by my second year, I began traveling the world, launching and promoting television channels and working directly with clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of XXX and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and XXX.

My work at XXX over the next several years garnered more than a dozen industry awards and a lot of recognition, but I do not deserve all of the credit. Much of my success was the result of teamwork. And I am grateful that, as a result, a theatrical marketing firm considered me a viable candidate to grow and manage the entire operation. But before accepting the offer I had a great deal to consider.

The idea of leaving a secure job and successful position for a tiny, unknown company, when the entertainment industry was, like many other professions, in chaos, seemed like an insane notion. Three months of interviews (mostly my interviewing them), however, helped me to understand the potential in this small group of people, and I knew it was an opportunity to do something that would carve a niche the industry, make a difference to my future employees and others, and personally reward myself. I also relished the prospect of starting from “ground-zero”, writing a business plan and strategizing on a shoestring budget its execution. Of course this gamble would be time-consuming and challenging, but I wanted to be challenged.

As I write this, it has been eight years to the day that I made that decision. I’m glad I did. What began as a group of six people grossing only XXX annually has become one of the top creative advertising firms in the television industry, with more than 40 full-time employees and billings of nearly $XXX million a year. Our work has been seen around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. Time and again, the industry has awarded our work dozens of times, and I have the pleasure of speaking on entertainment marketing around the world.

Though we may not have instigated the masses to rise up and “fight the man”, we successfully convinced millions of them to tune into our clients’ networks or visit the theater to see their movies.

The milestones in my career and that teenage boy in my ear drive me to go further without regret. This is one of those times. I believe that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the relationships I have acquired along the way will advance me after law school. Having been on the client side of the table in dealing with contracts, licensing, union issues, and the like, I have gained a deep appreciation for my future clients’ concerns. The organizational skill-set I have developed in management, strategic decision-making, negotiation, and verbal and written communications, will ensure that I hit the ground running post-graduation. Since I plan on staying in California, I know that XXX Law School’s solid Entertainment Law program, and excellent reputation, would be a critical part of that package moving forward.

Part of only the third generation of my family born in the United States, and just the second to attend college, I have always worked hard, even struggled, for what I have gotten. My father was the first XXX graduate. I was born in a small, blue-collar suburb of XXX, and it was only through my hard work and my family’s support that I am where I am today. Given my understanding of the drive I employed in reaching my goals, I value ambition and perseverance in others, and believe in the reward of helping people. For a few years now I have been a supporter of Chrysalis, the LA Mission and Habitat for Humanity, organizations that motivate people to help themselves. Hence, it is only right that my life’s goals entail a holistic vision that includes service to clients, peers and the community at-large.

I am secure that with a law degree I may bring honor to my future alma mater by using my influence to better the legal profession and serve the needs of the community. And in the end, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.


I haven't read this yet (and I apologize for that) but I think it looks longer than the latest draft the OP just posted

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:52 pm

PDaddy wrote:Try This! (just wanted to help a little)

I was a teenager in high school, just sixteen years old. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed was unexpectedly bittersweet.

On the one hand, it felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of well-deserved personal attention. But the difficult part came near the end of our visit – after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases. We were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and that conversation was filled with reminiscence of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of "re-doing" their prime years.

To some, that short time may have seemed like a heartbreaking eternity as they tried to end the conversation and dash for the exit. For me, however, a light bulb went on. At that moment, I decided to live my life with no regrets. That day would motivate me more than I could have possibly imagined.

I knew that I desired to be in a media-related profession, specifically the entertainment industry; its power to persuade and motivate people inspired me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television, to laugh, cry, and feel pride, shock or disgust. It can tug on their heartstrings or anger them into action, arouse them to help their fellow man, or back or protest against a war. Given that I wanted to be a purveyor of such information, I sought to use my B.A. in communications to become a producer.

A producer is like the conductor of an orchestra, bringing together all of the strategic, creative and execution elements to create a work. Succeeding at it would require me to learn about the entire process of creating and disseminating information, a large task. So I spent a great deal of time addressing the chasm between my undergraduate studies and both the technical and creative aspects of the highly competitive entertainment world. Once I felt prepared – two years later – I interviewed for my first big job in production management.

My job search was a judicious one by design; through my carefully constructed network, I received an invitation to meet with XXXX, the largest and most influential creative advertising agency in the television world at that time. Within a year of securing a production coordinator’s position I graduated to full-fledged producer. Overseeing million-dollar budgets and serving international clients as far away as the Middle East by my second year, I began traveling the world, launching and promoting television channels and working directly with clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of XXX and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and XXX.

My work at XXX over the next several years garnered more than a dozen industry awards and a lot of recognition, but I do not deserve all of the credit. Much of my success was the result of teamwork. And I am grateful that, as a result, a theatrical marketing firm considered me a viable candidate to grow and manage the entire operation. But before accepting the offer I had a great deal to consider.

The idea of leaving a secure job and successful position for a tiny, unknown company, when the entertainment industry was, like many other professions, in chaos, seemed like an insane notion. Three months of interviews (mostly my interviewing them), however, helped me to understand the potential in this small group of people, and I knew it was an opportunity to do something that would carve a niche the industry, make a difference to my future employees and others, and personally reward myself. I also relished the prospect of starting from “ground-zero”, writing a business plan and strategizing on a shoestring budget its execution. Of course this gamble would be time-consuming and challenging, but I wanted to be challenged.

As I write this, it has been eight years to the day that I made that decision. I’m glad I did. What began as a group of six people grossing only XXX annually has become one of the top creative advertising firms in the television industry, with more than 40 full-time employees and billings of nearly $XXX million a year. Our work has been seen around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. Time and again, the industry has awarded our work dozens of times, and I have the pleasure of speaking on entertainment marketing around the world.

Though we may not have instigated the masses to rise up and “fight the man”, we successfully convinced millions of them to tune into our clients’ networks or visit the theater to see their movies.

The milestones in my career and that teenage boy in my ear drive me to go further without regret. This is one of those times. I believe that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the relationships I have acquired along the way will advance me after law school. Having been on the client side of the table in dealing with contracts, licensing, union issues, and the like, I have gained a deep appreciation for my future clients’ concerns. The organizational skill-set I have developed in management, strategic decision-making, negotiation, and verbal and written communications, will ensure that I hit the ground running post-graduation. Since I plan on staying in California, I know that XXX Law School’s solid Entertainment Law program, and excellent reputation, would be a critical part of that package moving forward.

Part of only the third generation of my family born in the United States, and just the second to attend college, I have always worked hard, even struggled, for what I have gotten. My father was the first XXX graduate. I was born in a small, blue-collar suburb of XXX, and it was only through my hard work and my family’s support that I am where I am today. Given my understanding of the drive I employed in reaching my goals, I value ambition and perseverance in others, and believe in the reward of helping people. For a few years now I have been a supporter of Chrysalis, the LA Mission and Habitat for Humanity, organizations that motivate people to help themselves. Hence, it is only right that my life’s goals entail a holistic vision that includes service to clients, peers and the community at-large.

I am secure that with a law degree I may bring honor to my future alma mater by using my influence to better the legal profession and serve the needs of the community. And in the end, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.




Holy cow! Thanks PD, I feel like you should send me an invoice now...

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:53 pm

athena wrote:Looks much better!
Though I still have doubts abt the background in the first paragaph..It's okay to set the mood for a novel but when u have word limitations, i am not sure. Also too, putting the names of your clients in..i think that shold be in your resume since the adcom wouldnt care ...




Should i include a professional resume even if it's not asked for? One school requests it, one doesn't.

Did a lot of editing...I'm at 2-1/2 pages double-spaced now, right in the sweet spot for my apps.

User avatar
PDaddy
Posts: 2073
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby PDaddy » Sat Jan 16, 2010 5:12 pm

SoCalKevin wrote:

Holy cow! Thanks PD, I feel like you should send me an invoice now...


Thanks for the compliment. This essay still needs about five more rewrites and 10 small, subtle changes after that, but I think I was able to smoothen some of the transitions a little and clean up the language. The last few paragraphs are still a bit "choppy", as the sentence lengths need to vary more between short and long.

Here's an example: The milestones in my career and that teenage boy in my ear drive me to go further without regret. This is one of those times. I believe that I will be a great attorney. Clean that up without eliminating the ideas those sentences convey.

Also, change "that conversation" in the second paragraph to "those conversations".

I also tweaked this:

I knew that I desired to be in a media-related profession, specifically the entertainment industry; its power to persuade and motivate people inspired me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television, to laugh or cry, and feel pride, shock or disgust. It can tug on their heartstrings or anger them into action, and arouse them to help their fellow man or back or protest against a war. Given that I wanted to be a purveyor of such information, I sought to use my B.A. in communications to become a producer.

Another: change "execution" to "executive".

change this too: ("around the world" used in successive sentences is not good)...around the world, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. Time and again, the industry has awarded our work dozens of times, and I have the pleasure of speaking on entertainment marketing around the world.


As I read your essay I really got the sense that you wanted to relay as much info as possible. I tried to edit the essay without cutting it too much. I also chopped up the paragraphs more. I didn't check the number of words. Like I said, it was just a start. If this were mine, I would still polish it a lot more.

I was glad I could be of some help.

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Sat Jan 16, 2010 6:03 pm

Getting there...here's the latest, tightened up throughout:


I can remember the moment vividly even though it was 25 years ago. I was a teenager in high school. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. The day we performed was bittersweet. It felt good to give a group of lonely and often forgotten mothers, fathers, brothers and grandparents an hour of personal attention they craved and deserved. But the difficult part was that near the end of our visit, after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases, we were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and those conversations were filled with tales of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of what they would do if they could do it all over again. What might have been a heartbreaking moment for some was a defining one for me. I would live my life without regrets.

I knew right away that I wanted to be in the entertainment industry; its power to persuade and motivate people inspired me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television and laugh or cry, feel proud or make them mad as hell. It can make people want to fight the man or step up to help their fellow man, convince them to back a war or rise in protest against it.

Doing what I truly love has helped make me highly successful. Early on in my career I worked for the most respected and influential television branding agency in the world. During my tenure I negotiated and managed millions of dollars of work with prominent clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of British Sky Broadcasting and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and Emirates Media. When I later accepted the top management position at creative agency XXX, now eight years ago, the company had only five employees and billings totaling just six figures. Today, it is a forty-person operation that grosses more than $XXX. Our work has been seen in four continents, and our clients include nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood. The industry has recognized us with dozens of awards, and I am asked to speak on entertainment marketing around the world, most recently in Singapore, Mumbai, and New York. To date I have been fortunate enough to visit 18 countries, almost all through my position. As it turns out I may not have been convincing the masses to rise up and fight the man, but I was successfully convincing millions of them to tune into my client’s network, watch their show, or get off the couch on a Friday night and pay ten dollars to see one of their movies.

The milestones I hit in my career, along with the voice of that teenage boy in my ear, drive me to move forward. This is one of those times. I know that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the volume of high-level relationships I have made along the way will help me advance much faster than I could have ever hoped as a young undergraduate. I have been on the client side of the table –in dealing with contracts, licensing, intellectual property, union issues and more– and can now more fully understand and appreciate what my future clients’ concerns will be. I have developed skills that are critical to the field, in negotiation, persuasion, organization, verbal and written communications, and in managing and motivating people and personalities of all types. I plan on staying in California, and I know that XXX School’s highly reputable Entertainment Law program would be a critical part of that decision to move forward.

Things have never been handed to me nor have they always come as easy as it might seem. I am only the third generation of my family born in the United States and just the second one to attend college. I was born in a small, blue-collar neighborhood in XXX, and it was only through incredibly hard work that I am where I am today. As I continue to push myself, I am confident that at this point in my life I can bring a great deal of world experience to my work in law, honor and recognition to my future alma mater, and greater philanthropy to my community. And when it’s all said and done, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.

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PDaddy
Posts: 2073
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby PDaddy » Sun Jan 17, 2010 6:36 am

Take the word "hell" out. Profanity is sure to move your essay to the "No" pile. I would also caution you against "knowing that you will make a great attorney" versus "believing...

I am glad you found ways to shorten your essay. Find ways to make causal connections between sentences, that will cut them even shorter and give you automatic sentence length and structure variation.

Instead of, for example, this: I was an industrious child. I used to take apart bicycles and fix things around the house. When I became a teenager, I remained curious and went to work at Burger King. I learned much while I worked there, including, not only how to cook, but run registers, open, close and even help with inventory. After I was promoted to manager, and finally manager, I learned much more. Needless to say, I have "owned my own" restaurant, the "Burger Palace". It is the first of its kind in my city.

Try this: An industrious child, I developed an early fascination for deconstructing and building things, as evidenced by my early penchant for fixing broken appliances and preparing from scratch many of my family's meals. This trait followed me into my teen years, where, as a cook at Burger King, I not only took great pride in making the perfect sandwich, but sought to learn the entire fast-food business inside out. Years later, that knowlege culminated in my owning the first "Burger Palace" in my hometown.

There are opportunities in your essay for this kind of writing. And, as you can see, it makes transitions much smother.

Good luck!

SoCalKevin
Posts: 87
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:25 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby SoCalKevin » Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:07 pm

Revised! I thought that if I was going to go the "living without regrets" route I needed to weave it in a bit more. Also shortened the opening graph per the many opinions to do so:

(EDIT: REVISED YET AGAIN)


I can remember the moment vividly even though it was 25 years ago. I was a teenager in high school. It was a chilly December morning, and a group of friends and I had put together a small brass ensemble to play at a local convalescent home, hoping to bring some cheer for the holidays. But the day we performed became bittersweet. Near the end of our visit, after the last chorus of Jingle Bells ended and the horns were packed up in their cases, we were the only people in the world they had to talk to, a captive audience, and those conversations were filled with tales of days gone by, missed opportunities, and dreams of what they would do if they could do it all over again. What might have been a heartbreaking moment for some was a defining one for me. I would live my life without regrets.

I knew right away that I wanted to be in the entertainment industry; its power to persuade and motivate people inspired me. Only the entertainment world can bring together complete strangers to sit in a theatre or in front of the television and laugh or cry, feel proud or anger them into action. It can make people want to fight the man or step up to help their fellow man, convince them to back a war or rise in protest against it. When I made the decision to follow that dream I didn’t just want to work in the profession, I wanted to make a mark in it. Twenty years later, I can look back and say I did just that.

Early on in my career I worked for the most respected and influential television branding agency in the world. During my tenure I worked with broadcasting and cable executives to launch channels around the world, with prominent clients such as Elizabeth Murdoch of British Sky Broadcasting and Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of the UAE and Emirates Media. When I later accepted the top management position at another agency, the company had only five employees and billings totaling just XXX. I knew I was risking a lot to move from a secure position at a proven, successful corporation to a completely unknown startup, but I could see the potential in this small group of people and I knew that with an incredible level of dedication and hard work, the reward could be great. It was time to push further ahead. Now, eight years later, that once-tiny startup is a forty-person operation that grosses more than $XXX a year. Our clients represent nearly every major television brand and movie studio in Hollywood, and they engage us to help them launch hundreds of millions of dollars in entertainment properties worldwide. The industry has recognized my company with dozens of awards, and I am asked to speak on entertainment marketing all around the world—most recently in Singapore, Mumbai, and New York. To date I have been fortunate enough to visit 18 countries, almost all through my position. As it turns out I may not have been convincing the masses to rise up and fight the man, but I was successfully convincing millions of them to tune into my client’s network, watch their show, or get off the couch on a Friday night and pay ten dollars to see one of their movies.

With each milestone in my career I become more driven to move forward, fueled by the voice of that teenage boy in my ear. This is one of those times. I know that I will be a great attorney. My experience in entertainment and the number of high-level relationships I have made along the way will help me advance much faster than I could have as a young undergraduate. I have been on the client side of the table, in dealing with contracts, licensing, intellectual property and union issues, and can now more fully understand and appreciate what my future clients’ concerns will be. I have spent years developing skills that are critical to the field, in negotiation, persuasion, organization, verbal and written communications and in managing and motivating people and personalities of all types. I plan on staying in California, and I know that XXX’s highly reputable Entertainment Law program would be an important part of that decision to move forward.

Things have never been handed to me nor have they always come as easy as it might seem. I am only the third generation of my family born in the United States and the second one of them to attend college. I was born in a small, blue-collar neighborhood in XXX, and it was through incredibly hard work that I am where I am today. As I continue to push myself, I am confident that at this point in my life
I can bring a great deal of world experience to my work in law, honor and recognition to my future alma mater, and greater philanthropy to my community. And when it’s all said and done, I hope to make that young man from so many years ago very proud.

giddyfish
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 7:18 pm

Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby giddyfish » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:32 am

Your introduction can be more concise. The thesis doesn't come out as strong as it should be. I don't know if your personal statement reveals something about you that isn't implied already in your resume. I feel that the part about your family background is tacked in; you mostly talk about your love for the work you do in the entertainment industry. so that paragraph flows really badly.

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existenz
Posts: 927
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Re: Only one response? Anyone else have an opinion to share?

Postby existenz » Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:51 am

Here's my viewpoint, take it or leave it.

First, you need to step back and think about the key purpose of your PS. What are you trying to say? Even with the revisions, 75% of your essay is about why you wanted to go into entertainment, and what you accomplished while you were there. Law doesn't show up until the last few paragraphs, with not a lot of depth behind your motivation or reasoning. Is it really that your inner teenage voice is telling you to try something new? I know that's the theme of your essay, but I don't like it. Teenagers are immature, you're a grown man (or woman) now, you surely have better reasons to go into law other than a desire to experiment.

In other words, your essay does a better job of explaining why you wanted to go into the entertainment business than it does of explaining why you want to go into the practice of law. That's not a good thing.

On the plus side, you have amazing entertainment business experience that will definitely make you a prime candidate for entertainment law. Even with all the problems with this essay, you would stand out somewhat. I like your descriptions of your successful career, as well as the sentences explaining your interest in various aspect of entertainment law. Good stuff. But you'd help yourself by doing a major revisions to the overall essay.

I would start by eliminating the first paragraph entirely. It isn't a very well written story and sounds a bit too generic. Apparently you developed your love for storytelling at this convalescent home, but the old/sick folks who live at this home are never mentioned or made real. It feels too much like a cliched personal statement attempt to tie a childhood story into your reason to go to law school. Forget that. You've lived a long time since then, and this essay isn't about why you want to go into entertainment. It's about going into law. If you want to start with a story, I'd start with a story that highlights the moment when you decided law was for you. I can't imagine what that story would be. It's your life, perhaps you have a great "a-ha" moment that adcomms might like.

Instead of a story, your could write an intro paragraph that plays up your strengths and lays out the essential thesis of your PS -- which SHOULD be something along the lines of "I've achieved success in entertainment, but I am drawn to enter the legal side of the business for XXX reasons".

2nd paragraph could lay out, briefly, your career in entertainment. The skills and knowledge you have learned, the experience you have. Don't bother with name-dropping, though you could mention some companies you worked for if they are very well known (though remember that your resume should contain this stuff as well).

Third paragraph, detail your interest in entertainment law. I like the stuff you wrote about practicing in LA, specializing in copyright and union issues and studio deals and what not. This shows you are serious and have thought about what you want to do. It separates you from the typical "I want to save the world" applicants.

Fourth paragraph -- Summary. Tied into your thesis, and the story in the first paragraph if you have one. The people reading the essay want to know what makes you tick, what kind of person you are, how committed you are to practicing law. Don't treat these as questions you have to specifically answer, but as guidelines to direct your summation. Let the real you come out somehow, even if it's just your writing style.

I think you have a lot going for you, but your current essay doesn't do you justice. Good luck!




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