Draft #2- Please be brutal!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kristina88
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:03 pm

Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby kristina88 » Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:42 pm

THANKS
Last edited by kristina88 on Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

kristina88
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:03 pm

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby kristina88 » Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:52 pm

please helpp!!!

justme13
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 11:15 am

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby justme13 » Sat Jan 09, 2010 8:22 pm

I'm just applying to law school so I'm no expert but it looks great to me. One thing, in the 6th paragraph you say you are the "soul provider" I believe it is "sole provider" might want to double check. Otherwise it looks good.

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scribelaw
Posts: 771
Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby scribelaw » Sat Jan 09, 2010 8:39 pm

You have a nice story here!

The one thing is, you lead off with the minority thing, and then that never really ties in with the meat of the essay, which is about your brother's legal troubles and how that affected you. I'd say either find a direct, believable tie-in or skip it altogher. You could save the Puerto Rican angle for a diversity statement.

One other thing, there's some risk to making yourself once removed from your real topic, i.e. your reaction to something that happened to your brother. I really like the ending -- you need more stuff like that, cut down on the long paragraphs about your mom telling you about your brother and focus more on how it affected you, how it drove your desire to attend law school, etc. This has to be about you.

And one small nit -- I cringed when you referred to your brother as a "juvenile delinquet." How about something a little softer, troubled youth or something.

Good luck with your cycle!

dr3dful1
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2009 1:16 am

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby dr3dful1 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 5:54 pm

I agree with scribe law. I was actually interested in seeing how you were going to tie in your ethnic differences with the neighborhood you live/lived in with your brothers incarceration. Also you did not mention how long he was locked up for, what the charges were, and if it was his first time. This actually makes a big difference in the way the reader "validates" your emotions. I have had a few of my immediate family members incarcerated more than once and for weeks and I can say that the concept itself isn't strong enough unless you can establish the severity of the circumstances.

tx1987
Posts: 115
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:21 pm

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby tx1987 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 9:11 pm

I agree with scribelaw. It seems like you just threw in the fact that you were Puerto Rican just to mention it...if you want to leave it in there, you should tie it in more with the rest of the story.

tx1987
Posts: 115
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:21 pm

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby tx1987 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 9:13 pm

kristina88 wrote:
My mother stated, “Alex will not be joining us this evening.” Catching my sister and I off guard, we inquired where Alex was. I could see the hurt my mother’s eye’s building, as she told us that Alex has been arrested and is currently serving time in the juvenile detention center.




Also, I'm sensing that it's ok to not start a new paragraph with each quote. To save space, I'm guessing. Is that right?

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chooch
Posts: 38
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 1:24 pm

Re: Draft #2- Please be brutal!

Postby chooch » Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:29 pm

i remember your first draft, and i must say, this one is much better.

i am still curious about this line:
"Upon admittance to elementary school, I knew my family was different from the rest. Living in a lower-middle class neighborhood, it was imperative that both my parents worked full time jobs"

your family is different because of your parent's marital status and your brother's experience in a detention center- the line doesn't give the deserved impact the essence of your story creates. make the beginning a bit more intriguing, you might want to delve into the part with your brother sooner.




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