What do you think guys & gals?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JCougar
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What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 5:43 pm

I've already had it edited a couple of times by some friends that are highly credentialed in the law/writing/language department. Here goes:

...
Last edited by JCougar on Sat Jan 09, 2010 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:58 pm

And yes, I realize I mis-pluralized the word "people's" in the second to last paragraph.

febstriver
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby febstriver » Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:28 pm

My goal was to become a “man for others,” the ideal of which my high school’s motto and formative counsel consistently reminded me


Awkward. There's nothing wrong with ending with a preposition.

Anyone who begs to differ doesn't know about what they are talking...err...what they are talking about ;)

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JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:13 pm

febstriver wrote:
My goal was to become a “man for others,” the ideal of which my high school’s motto and formative counsel consistently reminded me


Awkward. There's nothing wrong with ending with a preposition.

Anyone who begs to differ doesn't know about what they are talking...err...what they are talking about ;)


LOL. My published friend actually suggested I end that sentence with "of," and I thought I had caught him. I changed it because I can't stand ending sentences in prepositions, but now it's 2 versus 1.

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scribelaw
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby scribelaw » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:18 pm

My first thought is, this needs to lose some weight. No PS should be more than two pages, double spaced. How long does this one run? I've got to think 3-4 -- and unfortunately, it reads like it. You have some good stuff in here, but it's a task to muddle through.

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scribelaw
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby scribelaw » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:22 pm

Also, you might want to tone it down in parts -- it reads a little pretentious. You went to a "prestigious" high school; the unenlightened masses "bemuse" you. I also don't like the whole man for others schtick, it comes across as though you believe you are a chosen one to share your unique flower with the world.

Just my two cents, though...

Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...

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JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:26 pm

scribelaw wrote:My first thought is, this needs to lose some weight. No PS should be more than two pages, double spaced. How long does this one run? I've got to think 3-4 -- and unfortunately, it reads like it. You have some good stuff in here, but it's a task to muddle through.


This one is 3 pages double spaced, but with wide margins. The schools I am applying to ask for either 3 or 4 pages double-spaced, or two pages (without the double-spaced specification). It used to be four, and I feel like cutting it down to three got rid of a lot of weaker parts and fluff. I can't really decide what else to cut.

pattymac
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby pattymac » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:26 pm

I liked it. I read it for what it was about, not to correct spelling or grammar though.

Off topic but...Are you by any chance a Detroit Tiger's fan?

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JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:31 pm

scribelaw wrote:Also, you might want to tone it down in parts -- it reads a little pretentious. You went to a "prestigious" high school; the unenlightened masses "bemuse" you. I also don't like the whole man for others schtick, it comes across as though you believe you are a chosen one to share your unique flower with the world.

Just my two cents, though...

Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...


Point taken, although I wasn't bemused by the masses, I was bemused by the polarities that divide us. But perhaps I should word that in a way that makes that more clear.

You're the second person to comment about how I described my grade school, though, so that's obviously something I should look into changing.

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JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:31 pm

pattymac wrote:I liked it. I read it for what it was about, not to correct spelling or grammar though.

Off topic but...Are you by any chance a Detroit Tiger's fan?


Wait...how did you know that?

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scribelaw
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby scribelaw » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:37 pm

JCougar wrote:
scribelaw wrote:Also, you might want to tone it down in parts -- it reads a little pretentious. You went to a "prestigious" high school; the unenlightened masses "bemuse" you. I also don't like the whole man for others schtick, it comes across as though you believe you are a chosen one to share your unique flower with the world.

Just my two cents, though...

Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...


Point taken, although I wasn't bemused by the masses, I was bemused by the polarities that divide us. But perhaps I should word that in a way that makes that more clear.

You're the second person to comment about how I described my grade school, though, so that's obviously something I should look into changing.


Yep, I would probably cut all the high school stuff. That's a red flag for adcomms; they're looking for mature law school candidates. Also, I don't see how your parents' money troubles fit in.

My favorite part of your PS was the detail about you telling the guy you'd keep interrupting his afternoon naps if he didn't vote. Priceless. Honestly, I'd consider leading with that, it fits in better with your theme of your socially active experience, etc, and it's far more vivid and memorable.

Good luck with your cycle!
Last edited by scribelaw on Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nhkjackson
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby nhkjackson » Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:38 pm

I also say end it with the preposition.
Like split infinitives, ending with a preposition isn't always bad.

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JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?

Postby JCougar » Sat Jan 09, 2010 10:44 pm

Thanks all for your feedback!

I've removed it cause I just don't want to keep it up there. I think it's ready to go out with my first round of apps tomorrow.




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