Tear this to shreds

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Gwen
Posts: 232
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:54 am

Tear this to shreds

Postby Gwen » Sat Jan 09, 2010 12:51 am

Thanks for the comments
Last edited by Gwen on Sun Jan 10, 2010 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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scribelaw
Posts: 771
Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm

Re: Tear this to shreds

Postby scribelaw » Sat Jan 09, 2010 12:58 am

This needs a complete overhaul or, more likely, to be scrapped altogether.

1) The first paragraph is incredibly presumptuous and you come across as self-important -- bragging about bossing around lawyers, etc.

2) You definitely need to remove the portion about your boss hitting on you. I cringed the whole way through it. Consider your audience.

3) This statement jumps around. A lot. From your part-time gig to getting hit on by your boss to your moms upbrining to your dad. None of it has much to do with why you'd make a good law school candidate.

This needs to be about you, and it needs to have a central theme.

I'm sorry, but you need to start over.

Good luck, though!

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Gwen
Posts: 232
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:54 am

Re: Tear this to shreds

Postby Gwen » Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:05 am

:(
This the second essay she gave me this week. The other was very craptastic. Grrr. I really hoped this was salvageable even though I feel that it should be scrapped as well.




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