Have at it: version 2.0

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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deevilsih
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:26 am

Have at it: version 2.0

Postby deevilsih » Fri Jan 08, 2010 5:49 pm

Redacted.
Last edited by deevilsih on Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MSRP
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:25 pm

Re: Have at it: version 2.0

Postby MSRP » Fri Jan 08, 2010 5:53 pm

You really don't need any help getting into Law school based on your essay. You probably scored over 160 on the LSAT as well.

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pamplemousse
Posts: 35
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:52 pm

Re: Have at it: version 2.0

Postby pamplemousse » Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:25 pm

looks great! hows the conclusion coming? I would mention more about law and human right's, etc...
btw, where did you study in cairo? i spent a summer at auc and have been wanting to go back to cairo ever since...

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Tanicius
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Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:54 am

Re: Have at it: version 2.0

Postby Tanicius » Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:31 pm

Take out that long list of adjective. "Fresh-faced," for example, is unnecessary and tells us nothing useful or interesting. You see a lot of nervous writers over indulging on those adjectives, and I'm sure the adcomms get essay after essay with them. It's not fiction; this is a persuasive topic you're writing about, so you're fine going without descriptive words for things that don't need to be described.

Also take out "inspired." Adverbs are even worse, and especially when used in conjunction with dialogue.

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billyez
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Joined: Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:19 pm

Re: Have at it: version 2.0

Postby billyez » Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:52 pm

If your wondering about whether your PS is good or not, it is. You did a great job of giving a personal experience, showing what it said about you and tying it into what you want to do during your legal career.

What I would say is that I feel like..the third paragraph sticks out. The first two paragraphs just flow from one to the other so nicely. Heck, I think you could take out the third paragraph and do fine. The third paragraph isn't only isolated form the specific event you mention, it doesn't have a smooth transition to tether it to the previous paragraphs. More importantly, the third paragraph doesn't connect or resonant thematically to the previous two. This is merely my interpretation, however. I like the opening so I'm loathe to recomment moving that content, but it seems to me like you could put the third paragraph first and have the two other paragraphs give an example of one of those experiences you mentioned. That second paragraph just wraps up things more nicely to me than the third.

I'm a little divided over the verbose nature of some of the sentences. I understand that it serves a function - you had a lot of experiences in your life and iti certianly is dramatic in some instances. But it's up to you.




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