Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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gdane
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Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:51 pm

.
Last edited by gdane on Tue Aug 03, 2010 11:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JazzOne
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby JazzOne » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:53 pm

lol

Well, it made me laugh.

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:54 pm

It made you laugh?! What the hell!! LOLOLOL.

Im not so sure I want Adcomms to "laugh".

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JazzOne
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby JazzOne » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:55 pm

Bean picker

hahahahahahah

FLAME

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deevilsih
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby deevilsih » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:59 pm

Personally, I'm not sure I would use the word bitter in the last paragraph. Your tone is pretty positive, and you want to leave the adcomms with a strong positive finish. Ending on bitter weakens the PS for me. Compelling story, though - congrats on perservering.

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JazzOne
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby JazzOne » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:00 pm

I can't believe I'm doing this, but just in case you're not a flame. I don't think it's wise to use racial slurs in your PS. The potential for harm is great, and there isn't a real upside.

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Zoomba200
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby Zoomba200 » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:02 pm

JazzOne wrote:I can't believe I'm doing this, but just in case you're not a flame. I don't think it's wise to use racial slurs in your PS. The potential for harm is great, and there isn't a real upside.


The racial slurs don't really tie into any other part of your essay. They seem like an artificial attempt at shocking the reader.

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:02 pm

I agree with not using the word bitter. I just had a difficult time coming up with a different word that conveyed that i thought things were unfair and so i was kind of pissed about that.

and i was kind of unsure about using racial slurs, but i figure it might wake up some adcomms after they've read about a gazillion statements.

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JazzOne
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby JazzOne » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:04 pm

gdane5 wrote:I agree with not using the word bitter. I just had a difficult time coming up with a different word that conveyed that i thought things were unfair and so i was kind of pissed about that.

and i was kind of unsure about using racial slurs, but i figure it might wake up some adcomms after they've read about a gazillion statements.

Some of them might not continue reading. I wouldn't risk it. Just my opinion, though.

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JazzOne
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby JazzOne » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:06 pm

Instead of "bitter," maybe you can re-word the sentence to use "unjust" or "injustice."

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:06 pm

Ok instead of using the actual slurs ill just say that "Growing up I heard many racial slurs" or something to that extent.


Ohh Jazzone that is a great idea!!! Unjust is great.

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:10 pm

Ok revised copy without the racial slurs and bitterness.




Growing up in an overwhelmingly white neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York I had many racial slurs directed toward me. My parents arrived to the United States with hopes of a better future for their children, but they had no formal education and limited English. Due to this the only work that was available to them was low paying manual labor. My mother stayed at home, but my father went to work as a stock boy at a local paint and decoration store. He faced the same racial slurs that I did, but he was willing to take them all day long so that I could have the opportunities that he and my mother never had.
Growing up my family struggled financially, but they always tried to give me what I needed to succeed. They enrolled me in a Head Start program, bought me books to learn independently and even enrolled me in a private school for a year. Doing this caused even greater financial hardships for my family. There were times when my father would walk miles in the snow to work instead of taking the bus so that I could have the money to go on a school field trip or to buy a book at the book fair. Nevertheless my parents always told me “It’s ok. We want you to succeed”. Seeing my family constantly struggle instilled in me a burning desire to be something. Furthermore, seeing the lost opportunities and closed doors which my parents found from a lack of a college education made me want to be the first person in my family to attend college. Unfortunately, once I was accepted into college I found that being the first in my family to attend college was both a gift and a curse.
I realized that my fathers’ modest income and financial resources meant that I was on my own throughout college. My parents could not afford to finance my education so during my four years of college I paid for my tuition, books and supplies with a combination of loans issued in my name and through a full time job. I worked upwards of thirty hours a week and took a full schedule of classes. Balancing these financial obligations while devoting time to my studies was difficult, but both my family and I knew that completing my college education was a must. All the work, academic and physical, that I had to do in the past four years was worth it because when I received my Bachelors degree I knew that my parents’ sacrifices did not go to waste.
For a long time throughout college I felt like I was given the short end of the stick. The fact that I had to work so much and that I had no help left me with a feeling of injustice. I was thrust into the real world without warning when I was eighteen years old. However, it is through these experiences that I know I can take on any challenge. Many people in my age group are only now getting a taste of what it is like to search for a job, work full time and be on one’s own. I have been doing this for the past four years. This is what I bring to your Law School. I bring someone that can handle the rigors of academia alongside the arduous demands of the real world. As a law student I would share my experiences and advice with others so that I may bring a positive effect to my law school community.

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:16 pm

Ehh i dont know anymore. Im just not feeling the beginning of the statement without the racial slurs. Maybe I can use the "vanilla" ones?

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JazzOne
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby JazzOne » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:22 pm

gdane5 wrote:Ehh i dont know anymore. Im just not feeling the beginning of the statement without the racial slurs. Maybe I can use the "vanilla" ones?

If your essay was going to explore the text of the racial slurs or the impact of those particular statements, then I'd say go for it. But to use them just for shock value has the potential of insulting the adcomm. Judges appreciate logical arguments, and they feel insulted when lawyers make blatant appeals to emotion. I imagine adcomms to law school feel much the same way. They're looking for a well-written statement about you. I wouldn't want to be associated with that kind of language. At worst, the adcomm will be offended and put off. At best, it will be one interesting line in a two-page essay.

I'll leave it alone now and see if others disagree.

dlee975
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby dlee975 » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:34 pm

Overall I like the essay. I think the part about your father walking miles in the snow would be better served to say that he would walk instead of paying for bus fares and such. We've all heard about how our parents walked "through the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways" back in the day.

I would also be careful when using the term "real world" It is kind of debatable what that term means and if you have really experienced it while you were working your way through college. Just my opinion after 10+ years of working experience.

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23fulltimecowboys
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby 23fulltimecowboys » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:39 pm

i absolutely agree - no slurs. it was the one critique i was going to offer, before reading the other posts. cheap shock stuff that they undoubtedly have seen before, plenty. too lazy to find it now but berkeley has great PS advice on their website, talks about how openings like the slur version have become cliche and elicit eye rolls instead of grab attn.

i disagree about using "bitter," though - if you were, you were. i don't think you come off that way in the end, so imo it's ok to acknowledge that you were at one point. i would also work on making the closing sentences about overcoming challenge etc. a little less boilerplate, nothing much. otoh they are simple and direct, which is good.

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:44 pm

I have eliminated the slurs altogether. You have all put forth a lot of compelling evidence against using them.

I took out the "real world" comment. You are right. I tried to avoid using those kinds of cliches and vague terms.

thank youse for your advice!!!! Im ready to send out Apps!!!

amichig
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby amichig » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:48 pm

I'm not sure why I'm taking the time to post, as I'm pretty sure this ps isn't real. That said, to be quite honest your story and life experiences as you lay them out are not all that different from many other URM applicants. Most kids I know (including myself) worked throughout college, were first generation college students, had immigrant parents. All I've really learned about you from this essay is that you're a URM....you need more. Talk about why law school, a particular event/internship/work experience that's led you to law school, what you want to do upon graduation, just something more.

Honest opinion..take it for what it's worth.

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FromRussiaWithLove
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby FromRussiaWithLove » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:48 pm

I don't want to sound harsh, but....

honestly, apart from a small handful of people in my graduating class, everyone else had to work and take out loans "in their own name." If you meant to hammer in the fact that it was you, not your parents, that took out federal loans to pay for school, it is totally unnecessary.

There is nothing really unique about your PS. I know that working full time and going to school full time is hard, but it makes for unoriginal PS fodder. I would really try to find a topic that makes you memorable. A billion other applicants are going to write exactly what you wrote.

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annapavlova
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby annapavlova » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:56 pm

You have an interesting story, and I think you could write a WAY better PS. I assume you're a URM, so I'd really play that up. I wouldn't just talk about your family working hard. A lot of families work hard to help their kids succeeds. I would maybe pick an event or memory that is myopic but really illustrates who you are. Instead of saying "Hey reader, I'm a hard worker and I want to be a positive role model," SHOW them who you are through a specific story of adversity, hardship, etc.

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fl0w
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby fl0w » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:58 pm

JazzOne wrote:
gdane5 wrote:I agree with not using the word bitter. I just had a difficult time coming up with a different word that conveyed that i thought things were unfair and so i was kind of pissed about that.

and i was kind of unsure about using racial slurs, but i figure it might wake up some adcomms after they've read about a gazillion statements.

Some of them might not continue reading. I wouldn't risk it. Just my opinion, though.



THIS. i stopped reading immediately after the slurs. I didn't finish your statement. I laughed and moved on. I'm being very serious.

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gdane
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby gdane » Fri Jan 08, 2010 4:04 pm

Thanks for all the advice. I completely agree that there is nothing original about this story, but it is what it is. I dont have any other experiences that are worthwhile. Working full time and going to school full time leave little time for anything else. I couldnt join a frat, campus organizations and an internship was out of the question since I needed to have an income and most internships dont offer one.

I am what I am and I cant embellish upon anything. and this PS is 100%. Its unfortunate that someone would call my statement out like that.

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FromRussiaWithLove
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby FromRussiaWithLove » Sat Jan 09, 2010 8:46 am

I just know there is more to you than working through undergrad! You just have to spend some time writing. And I don't mean writing with the intention of sitting down and completing your PS...more like writing a little every day until you have a shit ton of material to sift through. Then you can find what works or what sounds good and go from there, write some more, probably change the focus of your PS every time you sit down to edit what you already wrote. And after days or even weeks of this, you will come up with something good.

That is what worked for me. I actually got the idea from someone else here on TLS (I wish I could credit the person who suggested this, but I don't remember).

Since it is getting late in the cycle, I would start writing my little heart out immediately.

dr3dful1
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby dr3dful1 » Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:19 pm

I'm African American and I am definitely gonna shy away from talking about how much I was oppressed by white people, how rough the community I live in is and how poor my family is for a couple reasons :

1. There is always someone who had it worse. WE ALL GO THROUGH THE SAME STUFF! DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNIQUE!

2. You want to show the adcomm that you have more to offer than your ethnicity.

3. You are giving them the impression that they need to help YOU vs what you can add to the school.

4. If all you have to talk about is how hard you had it being a member of a certain race , it shows that that's the most biggest hurdle you had to jump and as I mentioned before, most minorities who apply for law school have similar negative experiences and still have more exciting things they have accomplished in their life written in their personal statement.

I would mention it but I would talk about something else altogether.

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Veyron
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Re: Personal Statement crtique please!! Say whatever you want.

Postby Veyron » Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:24 pm

This personal statement says something about your parents, not about you. Re-write it completely while focusing on the same overall theme. Be specific as to WHAT you did to overcome each challange.

Best of luck fellow beaner.




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