Is this a good beginning?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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deevilsih
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Is this a good beginning?

Postby deevilsih » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:49 pm

Redacted.
Last edited by deevilsih on Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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teaadntoast
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby teaadntoast » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:52 pm

I think you have a lot of good material here, but the organization needs work. The transition between your first and second paragraphs is awkward, and there's too much going on in the latter. You need to return to the conference more quickly, otherwise the statement (and reader's attention) begins to wander.

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Kiersten1985
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby Kiersten1985 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:54 pm

Agree with above post. You're a good writer, but you have to clean up the language. It's too descriptive and begins to sound like you're trying to impress us with how stylistically you can write. Trust your content and save descriptive sentences for when they're absolutely necessary.

Neelio
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby Neelio » Thu Jan 07, 2010 6:03 pm

you're a good writer with a lot of good experience to talk about... just needs to be arranged in a more coherent form so you get the true message across.

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You Gotta Have Faith
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby You Gotta Have Faith » Thu Jan 07, 2010 6:05 pm

Although I agree with the above critiques, I think there really is something to be said for opening up anecdotally. Just don't overdo it. That's all. Good luck.

nguyenr22
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby nguyenr22 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:05 pm

and held my six-week-old nephew’s hand as I watched his heart slowly stop through his open chest this past fall. Academically, I have struggled and overcome a learning disability to excel in rigorous programs at Smith College and the Middlebury College Summer Language Schools creating my own major and spending summers immersed in French and Arabic..

connect?

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loser148
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby loser148 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:12 pm

quite nice writing but needs an editor...as one who edits, i'm a little bit familiar with this stuff... (and am very lazy when not necessary :D )

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deevilsih
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:26 am

Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby deevilsih » Thu Jan 07, 2010 10:58 pm

Redacted.
Last edited by deevilsih on Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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captainkirk
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby captainkirk » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:06 pm

The creases of her face deepened as she squinted her sharp gaze in my direction.

I met the challenge in my idol’s impish eyes, simply nodded, and dove headfirst into organizing an international conference half a world away.


I briefly scanned it, but I just couldn't stop thinking about the word "impish" in your first paragraph. "Sharp gaze" just doesn't seem to transition well to "impish eyes," in my opinion. You didn't really set up at all that she was being "mischievous", which makes the word impish seem out of place. Overall, I think you have a really good start, and I like the topic!

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deevilsih
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby deevilsih » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:38 am

Hmmm, I was trying to convey Nawal's tendency to be simultaneously critical and playful. Maybe not so successful...

mattymatt
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby mattymatt » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:36 pm

You Gotta Have Faith wrote:Although I agree with the above critiques, I think there really is something to be said for opening up anecdotally. Just don't overdo it. That's all. Good luck.


I can't say that I agree. I've said this before on here, but I have always felt that an opening like this is a cheap attempt at trying to create a sense that the reader was there with you at the time, and in turn it comes off as a way a middle-school student might start a "what I did this summer" essay. Not to say that you write like a middle-school student--because you are a very talented writer--but this technique is over-used (nearly every PS/DS I've read on here starts that way) and is a bit trite.

Otherwise, very good start. You've done a lot with your life it seems, and even if you don't become a famous lawyer, you should still be rather proud of your accomplishments.

hds2388
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Re: Is this a good beginning?

Postby hds2388 » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:46 pm

I would be wary of putting in too much about the grades suffering. The overcoming of a learning disability is fine and factors into your experience, but at times it reads a touch like a GPA addendum. You can submit an addendum for that, and it sounds like your addendum will be well-founded. I would just hesitate before I sullied all the fantastic life experience you've had with sentences explaining that the cost of this was your grades. You've done a tremendous amount of interesting things, and this coupled with your natural ability for narrative voice makes this a great start. That said I'd be careful about the instance or two in which you tend to lose your focus a touch.




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