Please Help with PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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alisyn313
Posts: 50
Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:13 pm

Please Help with PS

Postby alisyn313 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 4:46 pm

Going to redo......
Last edited by alisyn313 on Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sk_mcbride
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 8:53 am

Re: Please Help with PS

Postby sk_mcbride » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:38 pm

"I didn’t care too much about this adage, since really, my brother Shauwn and I were like twins and given that he had flunked the 1st grade, he and I were in the same grade, which meant we were always together."

A little lengthy and confusing.

As a teenager, Shauwn decided to leave home and join the army as a result he and I became estranged.

You missed a semicolon or conjunction (I hope)...
Is that really how he spells his name?


Many of your sentences are too lengthy and run-on. I also don't really see the connection between your brother's plight and your own decision to attend law school. Perhaps some more tangible discussion about how this is driving your choice and what you are going to do with a law degree to help the handicapped...

This isn't a very compelling story, but I think it could be if you worked a bit.

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Kiersten1985
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:36 pm

Re: Please Help with PS

Postby Kiersten1985 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:39 pm

This is too much about Shaun and not enough about YOU.

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alisyn313
Posts: 50
Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:13 pm

Re: Please Help with PS

Postby alisyn313 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:13 pm

Thank you....I was feeling the same way but I am very unsure of what to do.

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alisyn313
Posts: 50
Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:13 pm

Re: Please Help with PS

Postby alisyn313 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:14 pm

sk_mcbride wrote:"I didn’t care too much about this adage, since really, my brother Shauwn and I were like twins and given that he had flunked the 1st grade, he and I were in the same grade, which meant we were always together."

A little lengthy and confusing.

As a teenager, Shauwn decided to leave home and join the army as a result he and I became estranged.

You missed a semicolon or conjunction (I hope)...
Is that really how he spells his name?


Many of your sentences are too lengthy and run-on. I also don't really see the connection between your brother's plight and your own decision to attend law school. Perhaps some more tangible discussion about how this is driving your choice and what you are going to do with a law degree to help the handicapped...

This isn't a very compelling story, but I think it could be if you worked a bit.


Thanks and that is the way my mother spelled his name when he was born. I'm sure he did not have any choice in the matter.




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