Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

Postby dlee975 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 2:10 pm

Done...thanks everyone
Last edited by dlee975 on Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

minuit
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:39 pm

Re: Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

Postby minuit » Thu Jan 07, 2010 2:18 pm

well i personally like it, i'd accept you. and i feel bad for your dad.

i like it because i feel like it highlights several of your characteristics without you ever having to come out and say "i am this, and this, and this."

dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

Postby dlee975 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 3:10 pm

thanks minuit...i appreciate the comments. anyone else??

swa1441
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:57 pm

Re: Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

Postby swa1441 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 4:34 pm

I like your PS a lot, this could be a sob story but the way you present it makes it not one (if that makes any sense). I also like how the story states how the experience impacted you without specifically saying it.

In the last paragraph: you may want to think about cutting the first sentence up into two sentences.
Ex: Atlanta has seen tremendous growth in the Korean community. According to some sources; greater metropolitan areas possess the fastest growing Korean population in the country.

I don't know if "Another issue was the capital needed to purchase the products that went into the machine. The production of the product was outsourced to a manufacturer that was waiting for payment on a substantially large order of instant noodles." can stand as a seperate paragraph on its own, you may want to add another sentence (or two) or add this into a different paragraph.

Those are the only things I saw.

Your PS sounds really genuine ,which can easily get pushed in the background, so good job!

dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

Postby dlee975 » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:16 am

Thank you swa1441. Anyone else wanna take a crack at it?

mattymatt
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:58 pm

Re: Close to final draft of PS..Please take a look

Postby mattymatt » Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:13 pm

Good topic, interesting story, and overall very well-written.

I'd suggest trimming it down a bit. You talk a too much about the business aspects of the situation, rather than how and why the event effected you. For example, you talk about the vending machine business' tendency to make exclusive contracts, or how you first focused on getting the machines you did receive into profitable locations. None of that is necessary in conveying what the experience meant to you and the effect it had.

While it is nice to read a statement that doesn't come out and say, "This is what happened, and this is why I am different because of it," you might want to take the personal aspect to the next level. It sounds like you want to be a lawyer out of vengeance or something, and I'm not sure that's enough to convince an adcomm that you're in it for the long haul.




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