Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
swa1441
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:57 pm

Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby swa1441 » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:08 pm

Any help is greatly appreciated. I've read this thing a million times, can you catch any grammatical errors or confusing structure?

Also, should I add a header of footer with my name and page numbers?


Darrell is a man whose life I dramatically impacted. Darrell doesn’t know me or has ever even heard of me, we’ve never met and we probably never will. Be that as it may, I was the one who sent him back to prison. This did not only have a dramatic impact on Darrell’s life but my own as well. Darrell left his victims feeling powerless and intimidated; he left me with my first taste of justice which inspired me to pursue a degree in law.

As an intern with the Violent Crimes Unit and Family Crimes Unit of the Police Department in XXXXXXX, one of my responsibilities was to manage the Bureau of Criminal Apprehension (BCA) registry for convicted predatory offenders in the XXXXXX area. Darrell is the highest level of predatory offender in XXXXXXXXX, a level three; he has been convicted of several heinous violent crimes and sex crimes. When a level three offender defaults on their registration they are automatically in violation of their probation. One month into my internship, Darrell defaulted on his registration by failing to update his information. I gave Darrell every opportunity within the guidelines to update his registration even utilizing a patrol unit for a city-wide search. As a result of his noncompliance, I drafted a criminal complaint and warrant request. Three weeks later Darrell was arrested, convicted and sent back to prison.

This was my first opportunity to see the power of the justice system firsthand. In Darrell’s case the hands of justice were swift, certain, and severe. Darrell was convicted through a combination of statutes, enforcement and trial. I was profoundly struck by this process and the cohesion of its elements; it brought a victim justice and held the offender accountable for his actions. This experience inspired me to pursue a career as an attorney. Armed with a degree in law, I hope to be an advocate for victims who feel angry and powerless as the result of another’s criminal actions.

In order to gain some experience and insight into the legal field I completed a post-graduate degree at the XXXXXXXXXX Paralegal Institute. At MPI I learned the basics of the legal system and developed a foundation of the analytical skills necessary for success in the study of law. This schooling provided me with the opportunity to work as an intern at a respected law firm. In this position, I was fortunate to be an integral part of the litigation team for several large personal injury law suits. As a direct result of my knowledge, hard work, and dedication I was offered a full time paralegal position which has furthered my interest and understanding of the law.

Armed with my knowledge of the law and justice system I have decided to pursue a career as an advocate for the victims of violent crimes and sex crimes. As a law student I hope to develop the logical, analytical and professional skills necessary to be a successful advocate and advisor to these victims. My academic record is evidence of my success as a student and I plan to bring that same dedication and success as a law student at XXX.

My journey in the legal system thus far has been brief but extremely significant. Working with convicted predatory offenders is not a dream job for most men in their early twenties, nor was it for me. However, because it has lead me to where I am today I am extremely grateful for this experience. Darrell taught me that the hands of justice can be swift, certain and severe. Although the price of this lesson for Darrell was his freedom; it provided me with the passion and drive to pursue a career as an attorney.


Thanks for any help!

swa1441
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:57 pm

Re: Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby swa1441 » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:14 pm

Forgot to say: I'm more than happy to repay the favor, if anyone wants to swap just PM me.
Thanks!

User avatar
booboo
Posts: 1032
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 10:39 pm

Re: Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby booboo » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:36 pm

PM'd you.

User avatar
Sauer Grapes
Posts: 1222
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:02 am

Re: Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby Sauer Grapes » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:40 am

....
Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

swa1441
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:57 pm

Re: Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby swa1441 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:12 pm

Thanks for the advice, I suppose after I use his name a few times it's pretty self explanatory.

Thanks for the help!

crossingforHYS
Posts: 702
Joined: Sun Nov 01, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby crossingforHYS » Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:26 pm

PM'd you as well

dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: Applying this weekend, any thoughts or errors I missed???

Postby dlee975 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 3:22 pm

i think it sounds good... kept my interest and read it all the way through.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.