Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
doubled99
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:15 pm

Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby doubled99 » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:45 pm

The door was opened and Coach John Doe was working on paperwork when he looked up at me. Before he could even ask why I was there. I blurted out, “Is there anyway I could walk on to your wrestling team?” After explaining to him that I truly believed that my high school wrestling record did not reflect my true potential and that I could be an asset on his team, Coach Doe took a deep breath and replied, “Son, this is Division 1 wrestling where the best of the best compete, I’m just not sure you’re cut out for this level of competition.” After exhaustively pleading my case, Coach Doe told me to lift hard and run daily for the next month while also attending open mats (a form of open wrestling without coaching) and we would talk about an opportunity following that. I knew that he didn’t fully expect me to make the strides necessary, but I was determined to prove to both him, and myself that I would.

After my discussion with Coach Doe I reflected back to my move-in day at XXX University. With tears streaming down her face as she prepared to leave me at college my freshman year, my mom hugged me and said, “Challenge yourself X and make the most of your opportunities here.” I grew up enduring the struggles of a single parent household and starting college was the first time I was leaving home and my best friend, my mom. My mom had put herself through college after she had kids, and from a young age I admired her determination and perseverance. As I embarked on a new chapter of my life without her, I resolved to make the most of my would-be opportunity in wrestling.

For that next month I worked harder on my strength and conditioning than I ever thought I could, because I knew that’s what it would take. Coach Doe often attended the open mats, and I could sense that he was less than impressed with my wrestling skills. However, after the month long physical beating that I had put myself through I decided to once again approach Coach Doe and inquire as to whether he had rethought my request to join team. He acknowledged my improvements, but he still wasn’t sure about my capability, both physically and mentally. He reluctantly gave me an opportunity to wrestle for him. I dedicated myself to extra workouts and watching wrestling film in hopes that I could further close the gap between myself and the better wrestlers. It was a long year of training, where pushing myself towards the breaking point became the norm, and daily beatings in the wrestling room were just as common.

After the grueling season, Coach Doe recognized my hard work and determination to reach my goals, as well as his expectations. That summer Coach Doe resigned and Coach James Smith was given the head coaching position at XXX. During Coach Smith's first speech I had what was seemingly an epiphany; I realized that I had self willingly took on an endeavor that I was not certain I could achieve, a venture where the odds where pitted against me in a way that would make even the riskiest of gamblers fold their hand, and emerged a stronger person. Over the past two seasons my realization has allowed me to grow in unimaginable ways. I have become a Division I varsity athlete, I have become the competitive collegiate wrestler that Coach Doe once thought was impossible, and I was also granted an athletic scholarship. Nevertheless, the mental fortitude I have developed that has allowed me to reach my goals, that has allowed me to push past what others believe I can accomplish, is my greatest wrestling achievement of all.

I reflect back on my wrestling career and realize the personal growth I experienced through the trials that I endured. Through wrestling, I have learned that the keys to my success in any facet of life are hard work, determination and being passionate. These keys to my success, the ones that I implemented to achieve my wrestling goals, have lead me to acknowledge that my overall potential for success is only limited by the ceiling that I set. My personal aspiration’s to take on and surmount obstacles has lead me to the person I am today. By attending the (xxx) law school I will once again have an opportunity to accomplish another lifelong goal.

doubled99
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:15 pm

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby doubled99 » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:11 pm

anyone? please?

doubled99
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:15 pm

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby doubled99 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:06 am

bump

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booboo
Posts: 1032
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 10:39 pm

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby booboo » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:21 am

PM'd.

doubled99
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:15 pm

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby doubled99 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 10:22 am

bump please

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scribelaw
Posts: 771
Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby scribelaw » Thu Jan 07, 2010 10:38 am

This is pretty good. It's an interesting story, nice job!

You keep describing the "beatings" you took. Use a different word, that one comes off weird in a law school PS.

The one thing is, you don't really relate how this makes you a good candidate for law school. I would rework the final paragraph and say explicitly, something like, I am ready to take the determination and grit I showed as an underdog athlete and apply it to law school, etc.

sk_mcbride
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 8:53 am

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby sk_mcbride » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:24 am

Typo in the third paragraph. Where should be were.

Not anything spectacular, but I doubt it will hurt you any.

doubled99
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:15 pm

Re: Sending Apps out Tomorrow....Please Critique

Postby doubled99 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:57 pm

Thank you both for responses! I have been wanting to revise the concluding paragraph to add more about law school, but I have been struggling to pull it all together.




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