please review my diversity statement!!!

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lmperri
Posts: 41
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 3:07 pm

please review my diversity statement!!!

Postby lmperri » Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:29 pm

this is my first rough draft but i am looking for any suggestions/advice i can get! please just let me know!

I would have to imagine that telling your parents your gay is a nerve wrenching process for most. Telling my full blooded military family on the other hand, made me down right nauseous. I had never done anything I didn’t think my parents would approve of before and I was scared to death. I came out to my parents when I was 20 and have unfortunately not spoken with them the same since. The deep relationship that existed throughout my life vanished with the mention of a few words; “I’m a Lesbian”.

There were many moments of personal struggle that I have had to overcome since that day. I never realized how much emotional support I relied on my parents for until it was gone. I hated myself but at the same time couldn’t lie anymore. My dad warned me of the opportunities that would be lost with such a public decision and how difficult my life was going to be, he sad he felt bad for my future. I questioned every kind of relationship I established afterwards; would this person still like me if they knew my secret? I didn’t know what was more important, my personal freedom and happiness or my social image.

Many people might see my story as a very minor source of discrimination, but to a young woman, it was much more than that. I have had people who have loved me my whole life shun my existence after finding out that my prince charming was actually a Cinderella. My first battle was self-acceptance; I had to stop being held hostage by the opinions of others. By joining the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Alliance at my school I was put in the front and out in the open. My realization that my own insecurities came from a lack of knowledge about being gay emerged quickly. The more people I met and the more questions I had answered, the more comfortable I became. I also enjoyed helping others and being there for them when everyone else wasn’t. By providing me with a specific purpose and voice, I have discovered that my own struggle has served as a path to a new set of opportunities. The strength and perseverance of a soldier my family passed along t me in imbedded within, even if our fight is different.

I don’t resent my parents or regret the lifestyle I grew up in. Previous generations were never accustomed to homosexuality and so they feared it. My goal is to help change this for our future generations so that they will not have to face the same adversity social objection that happens today. Some of the greatest battles in history have been won in the judicial system. Pursuing an education in law provides me with that I need to help affect peoples views on the community I am finally proud to be apart of. As part of the student body at XXX, I will help to raise awareness and present personal experiences to those who have questions. The addition of my voice my own difficulties, will bring a sense of passion and diversity to the student body.

mattymatt
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:58 pm

Re: please review my diversity statement!!!

Postby mattymatt » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:21 pm

lmperri wrote:The deep relationship that existed throughout my life vanished with the mention of a few words; “I’m a Lesbian”.


I'd delete the "I'm a lesbian" part. It's clear to anyone reading what those words were, and w/o that line, it creates an interesting sense of understatement.

lmperri wrote:Some of the greatest battles in history have been won in the judicial system.


Really? I don't disagree, necessarily, but if you're going to make a grandiose statement like this you might want to back it up. Otherwise, it's just kind of a cheap way to make your writing more dramatic.

lmperri wrote:Pursuing an education in law will provide me with what I need to help affect peoples views on the community of which I am finally proud to be a part.


lmperri wrote:As part of the student body at XXX, I will help to raise awareness and present personal experiences to those who have questions. The addition of my voice my own difficulties, will bring a sense of passion and diversity to the student body.


This last part of the last paragraph should be the focus of the DS. Your statement is pretty good overall, and compelling for certain, but it seems like you are only paying lip-service here at the end to the aspect of your DS which is perhaps the most important: how this diversifying aspect of your life will contribute to your class. Also, the sentence that starts, "The addition of my voice..." doesn't make sense. You might have left out a word or something. Also, you say that your experiences will "bring a sense of passion and diversity to the student body". Again, how? What will you do, besides "raise awareness". It's got to be assumed that whatever you talk about in your diversity statement will bring diversity to your class, so tell the reader how it will achieve that.




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