Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-7 draft

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Sauer Grapes
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Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-7 draft

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:05 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:25 pm, edited 9 times in total.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my first draft.

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:19 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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OneSixtySix
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my first draft.

Postby OneSixtySix » Tue Jan 05, 2010 1:09 pm

I'm terrible at writing personal statements so I'm not in the position to comment on it as a PS...but, that read very nicely and was an excellent story.

I agree with the previous poster, it presents you in a very good light without sounding forced or manufactured. You come across as honest and sincerely touched by the situation, and not simply trying to advertise your good works.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my first draft.

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 05, 2010 1:30 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my first draft.

Postby Sauer Grapes » Tue Jan 05, 2010 1:57 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby Sauer Grapes » Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:02 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby Sauer Grapes » Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:12 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nycparalegal
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby nycparalegal » Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:25 pm

I feel like there is a disconnect between the second and third paragraph. What is it exactly about the experience that gave you the final push into law school?

Was it that you realized that you were unfulfilled at your current job? Why did giving that women 20 dollars make you think about being unfulfilled at work?

edit: Your missing a comma before the conjuction in the first sentence of the last paragraph, and I just realize how awkward your last sentence ends. You want it to "seem" like your saving their world. Why not actually saving their world?

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DavidYurman85
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby DavidYurman85 » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:13 pm

This was actually pretty decent. A bit overkill on the I started to cry and then she started to cry, but if that's the way it happend, then leave it. My suggestion would be to include a better description or explanation of the emotion/feeling/reasoning/what clicked that made you go from "rollng your eyes" to giving the woman the twenty-dollars. You mentioned that it wasn't the first time that you've done something like this-so what made this experience so unique?

xyzzzzzzzz
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:28 pm

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby Sauer Grapes » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:43 pm

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-6 draft

Postby Sauer Grapes » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:09 am

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Last edited by Sauer Grapes on Sun Aug 22, 2010 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

chrisokc
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-7 draft

Postby chrisokc » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:59 am

I don't like literally jogged. Maybe hurried or rushed?

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Sauer Grapes
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Re: Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-7 draft

Postby Sauer Grapes » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:14 pm

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