completed first draft

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amorfati42
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Joined: Fri May 15, 2009 9:37 pm

completed first draft

Postby amorfati42 » Tue Jan 05, 2010 4:16 am

First Rough Draft... am mainly concerned with content- how it reads, and if it's enough 'about me'. Also concerned about length.. double spaced it's nearly 3 pages in word.. too much??
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***Edited for Revisions***
Last edited by amorfati42 on Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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amorfati42
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Re: completed first draft

Postby amorfati42 » Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:43 am

bump

Neelio
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:21 am

Re: completed first draft

Postby Neelio » Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:49 am

very compelling, and answers the "why law school" type of prompt. nice work.

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fl0w
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Re: completed first draft

Postby fl0w » Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:01 pm

first impressions:

1) it is too long. either trim the stories of your relatives or simply select the one that is more untactful and use it (even if you only select one, you could still trim it). Follow the page limits provided in the applications.
2) you get a bit verbose in places. read it and try to understand which details are not necessary to advance the essay and see if you can eliminate them.
3) i think the connection is clearly there between your experience and what you want to do with law, but you only really dedicate 1 or 2 sentences of the essay to this connection at the end. this section needs to be expanded. perhaps start with those couple of statements then talk about your relevant experience and then talk about how you want to continue down that path. That way you've stated your goal, your progress toward achieving it, and your plan to continue on.

Post again when it's been trimmed, it's easier to give feedback when it's more condensed. I think overall the content is good. The about you is a bit (family stories) too verbose and should be trimmed, possibly to just one story.

rckchlk2010
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Re: completed first draft

Postby rckchlk2010 » Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:04 pm

Here is my first draft. HOLD NOTHING BACK!!! Tell me like it is.....

Applying to: South Texas College of Law, Loyola-Chicago, UMKC, Stetson, George Mason, Indiana-Indianpolis

Often in my life, people tell me that I will make an excellent lawyer. It has been my impression that they mean it as both a compliment and criticism. Those who bestow this compliment upon me point out my knack for recalling pertinent, albeit random, information for a wide variety of equally random arguments. Some supporters of my chosen profession also agree that my ability to stay calm and understanding during those types of arguments adds to my apparent skills. However, I believe that this praise is given because of the lack of knowledge that many people have for lawyers and the skills it takes to succeed.
It is true that lawyers need to be able to recall pertinent information to a case or law. It is also true that lawyers must remain calm and collected during proceedings in court, a corporate boardroom, a client’s home, or wherever they may occur. The other skill that a lawyer absolutely must possess is the ability to help others, whether that person is a corporate executive trying to work out a new contract with the company or a criminal trying to plead down a charge so he can get home to his wife and child more quickly. If a lawyer, who is the best arguer, can recall facts on the spot and with great ease, stay calm under pressure and can appear to understand other points of view but does not wish to help others or cannot identify with certain clients, then that lawyer is simply unable to do the job.
I want to help other people because of the incredible help that I have received throughout my life. When I was 4 years old I was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes and if you have the disease or know someone who suffers from it then it is obvious the levels of annoyance, inconvenience, stress, dismay and, many times, pain that accompany the disease. Being afflicted with a chronic illness is the toughest lifestyle that no one should have to go through. Being different from everyone else, at any age, can be annoying, inconvenient, stressful and sad because everyone finds out that you can’t eat birthday cake, drink regular soda or even play outside at certain times during the day because of your illness and they let you know about it. I would sit at the table with my birthday hat on and act like I was going to blow the candles out and not have diabetes anymore so that I could eat some of that delicious cake and drink that sugary goodness called Coca-Cola. I would wish that the illness would go away everyday so that I didn’t have to poke myself with needles all the time and so that I could eat whenever I wanted to and play with my friends. But it was not meant to be and my friends would ask questions like, “Why can’t Andy have the cake?” or make sarcastic comments like, “Oh man is this stuff good!” It bothered me, it made me question God and ask why he did this to me and not someone else. Diabetes mad me angry at the world for not having a cure and for not letting me be just a regular kid who ate too much sugar.
I was annoyed by diabetes and mad at the world until I moved to Connecticut in 1996 and my hospital became Yale University, which was a leading research center for insulin therapy. There had been an invention years before that was called an insulin pump, which acted like a robotic pancreas in your pocket. It was about the size of a beeper and apparently made insulin delivery and life in general unbelievably easier. The only downside was that it was not yet 100% approved for children. However, after looking at my history and seeing that my hemoglobin A1c was better than normal, my toes and fingers were all in tact and operational and my various other important internal organs had not been damaged by the disease, my doctor and nurse at Yale decided that I would be allowed to go on the pump. I was one of the first children to be allowed access to the world of insulin pump therapy and at that moment my life became easier because of the risk my doctor and hospital were willing to take to help me with my illness.
Since that day I have moved to Kansas City and been a patient at another one of the finest children’s’ hospitals in America-Children’s Mercy. There my doctors helped me cope with diabetes by providing me with the best supplies, insulin pump included that was available. Even today my doctor at St. Luke’s South Hospital gives me tips that are relevant to a college student’s lifestyle that will help me keep my blood glucose levels under control while still allowing me to act normally and have the best life I can have with juvenile diabetes. I am forever grateful to my doctors for the amount of help they all have given me in my struggle with this disease and this is why I want to become a lawyer in Houston, TX-so that I can help people who struggle with problems that they cannot solve themselves. I want to assist people, whether it be a CEO or a person who has been denied a job for some unethical reason, because in order to be an effective lawyer you must be understanding, quick on your feet, compassionate and willing to help anyone.

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amorfati42
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Re: completed first draft

Postby amorfati42 » Tue Jan 05, 2010 7:54 pm

Thanks for the feedback! Will definitely edit and repost.

rckchlk2010 wrote:Here is my first draft. HOLD NOTHING BACK!!! Tell me like it is.....

Applying to: South Texas College of Law, Loyola-Chicago, UMKC, Stetson, George Mason, Indiana-Indianpolis

Often in my life, people tell me that I will make an excellent lawyer.


You should probably start your own thread for your personal statement, it probably wont get seen in here!




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