Competing intros for my PS--please help!

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dreamweaver87
Posts: 105
Joined: Sun Sep 13, 2009 6:12 pm

Competing intros for my PS--please help!

Postby dreamweaver87 » Mon Jan 04, 2010 7:45 pm

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Last edited by dreamweaver87 on Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

madcherrylimas
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:41 pm

Re: Competing intros for my PS--please help!

Postby madcherrylimas » Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:19 am

Honestly, I think your original intro sounds a lot more interesting, sincere, and modest than your revised one. At the same time, it unfortunately also sounds like many intros on here, starting with some kind of action scene -- but I still think it's much stronger than the revised one, which came across as wordy and unflattering to me.

I understand what you mean about appreciating your abilities and feeling a strong sense of duty towards the disadvantaged, but I think you could either show how your brother's disability is an injustice (which ties to plastic cups and motivates you to fight against injustice in a legal way) or just leave it out. I mean I get it's unfair, but I'm not sure how it's an injustice, and you mention it several times.

Hope this helps, good luck.

dreamweaver87
Posts: 105
Joined: Sun Sep 13, 2009 6:12 pm

Re: Competing intros for my PS--please help!

Postby dreamweaver87 » Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:58 pm

ok, thanks a lot for the input!

anyone else have an opinion? i'm getting so many conflicting responses. it'd be nice to hear more to help me reason this out.




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