Exciting Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tristanlxboyd
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 1:44 am

Exciting Personal Statement

Postby tristanlxboyd » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:05 pm

I was starving. For the past three days, I had been unable to communicate with the O'pola'ni tribe of pygmies on the isolated pacific islands of Palau. Whatever gesture I made, they seemed to think I wanted my tongue to be bled, or to take on another pygmy wife--I had been married four times so far--or to receive another ceremonial necklace, a string of the desiccated big toes of their greatest warriors. Finally, I gave up, and let out a series of inarticulate clicking noises. This seemed to draw their attention, as they clicked back, pointing to food.

Before long, I was communicating effortlessly in the beautiful Palauan language. What I needed most, however, was to convince my "k'lu'mng''chi"--or "child-friends"--to build with me a seafaring raft. The raft could take me, I hoped, to Singapore, the origin of my first solo flight in the MS-700 solar powered balloon. Unfortunately, I took my flight on the cusp of monsoon season, and another bright day wouldn't be seen for months.

I was in luck, however. My method of arrival--descending to the earth on a glowing balloon, or "cloud" as my k'lu'mng''chi called it--led the natives to respect me as a god. The largest, straightest balsa trees were in their ancestral burial copse, but when I informed them that the spirits of their ancestors had inhabited the trees, and that I would sail them on to heaven in my raft, they promptly sharpened their flint tools and began to benefit immediately from their pygmy deforestation.

On Palau, they have not invented rope, nor are they blessed with accessible tar or bitumen. The latter deficiency I solved with tree sap from their sacred gum trees. The former took some thought; however, I finally hit upon a scheme. In their culture, it is ta'b'oo for unmarried girls to cut their hair, and thus one regularly sees maidens clothed in only their several feet of surprisingly silken locks. Constructing a makeshift spinning wheel over the course of several days, I now granted the requests of dozens of Palau fathers to accept their daughters as "mga'lala" or concubines. After a long day of marriage ceremonies and feasting, and a long night following, I was able the next day to shave some several hundred feet of hair. With it, I spun a long, black cable. Lashing my raft together, and using my erstwhile balloon as a sail, I was no sooner completed than I began my long journey back to Singapore.

The trip gave me time to think of where I have come from, and wither I am going. I realized that my goal of bringing Enlightenment, modern science, and democratic government to these least favorite children of niggardly nature was flawed. Instead, I set upon a new course. When I returned to America I would liquidate my capital tied up in orphanages and food pantries, and devote it to law school. At that moment I knew that law school alone would let me stand above my fellow citizens as I had stood, godlike, above the pygmies of Palau.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Critique pls

3.84/178 LSN
Last edited by tristanlxboyd on Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:42 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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IHaveDietMoxie
Posts: 137
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:54 am

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby IHaveDietMoxie » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:09 pm

sticky this pls

180


also, you have a truly inspiring story, but I think you need to say less and show more

thegor1987
Posts: 323
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 7:00 pm

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby thegor1987 » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:17 pm

You crashed your hot air balloon on a deserted island inhabited by pygmies?

Is your name Sir Richard Branson?

But if this is real this sounds like an X factor for Yale if you have the numbers.

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tristanlxboyd
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 1:44 am

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby tristanlxboyd » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:33 pm

This was actually just an exercise. I have had trouble writing about things I actually have done, they come across as bland and cramped. So I wrote this to sort of build up confidence.

thegor1987
Posts: 323
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 7:00 pm

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby thegor1987 » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:36 pm

yea, I've been feeling like unless I have an Olympic gold medal, or a story like the one above their is really no point to writing a PS.

nycparalegal
Posts: 483
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 11:26 am

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby nycparalegal » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:52 pm

All in all, I really liked it except for the final paragraph.

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BriaTharen
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Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:17 pm

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby BriaTharen » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:53 pm

Sounds like the Hugh Gallagher "essay" for NYU

One thing that stood out at the end- don't every write "And then I knew" about anything. It sounds cheesy and forced.

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tristanlxboyd
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 1:44 am

Re: Exciting Personal Statement

Postby tristanlxboyd » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:55 pm

I ripped that from the "Not to do" section of Ken's guide because it sounded cheesy and forced, =P. I also intended it to smack of paternalistic "white man's burden." I hope it's just funny, =)




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