Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
xSommerx
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:13 pm

Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

Postby xSommerx » Sun Jan 03, 2010 12:48 am

Good evening, so I just finished the rough draft of my personal statement and I would really love any advice that anyone has for me. Honestly, I really didn't have a good plan sitting down to write this, I pretty much just sat down and typed up some thoughts I had, trying not to make it sound too much like a story. One problem I usually have when writing is that I use too many big words (tried to avoid this as much as possible) and I also tend to repeat words a lot. Not sure if that is a big deal, just thought it might help. Lastly, I also skipped talking about the times my mom was institutionalized, it seemed unnecessary and I already felt kind of guilty even talking about that at all but it really did make things hard for me growing up. Thanks bunches, you guys are the best! :D




For most of my life my future seemed rather uncertain, and a variety of factors greatly affected my ability to excel academically. I have lived with my mother for the majority of my life, and as the result of multiple divorces we moved frequently and I was forced to attend a variety of different schools. When I was in the fifth grade she began developing severe mental problems, and while she was still able to support me financially I knew that the mother I had known and loved was gone and that I would have to begin to care for myself. I struggled to do well in school while having to deal with her frequent bouts of rage and paranoia, of which I was frequently the target. When I moved out of her home in order to attend college I knew that I was finally free. I now felt as though I was in control of my own life, and that I had far more power within my own environment. The constant worry and anxiety I had previously felt was finally dispelled, and I no longer faced such distractions. I continue to excel in my college courses, never missing a single lecture or neglecting to fully complete any homework assignment. I now realize that I possess within myself the determination and devotion to succeed on my own without the help of others.
While parts of my life have been rather demanding, they have undeniably worked to create the person that I am today. I consider myself to be a confident, determined, and organized individual who has the capacity to bring forth an undying devotion to any goal that I undertake. I do not want to have any regrets in my life, nor do I want to allow any aspect of my life or personal identity restrict my ability to excel in any chosen occupation. I have always been interested in the law and the way in which it works to manage and organize human behavior in order to create a functional society. I firmly believe that I have the skills necessary to succeed within the field of law, if I am given the chance to do so. At times I can be assertive, yet I am also both able and willing to negotiate when necessary. I am able to solve problems effectively and will take responsibility for my own actions. As a psychology major I have gained a variety of persuasive skills and a great deal of information about human behavior which I feel will aid me in dealing successfully with others. I believe that as a lawyer I will be able to competently represent individuals and serve their needs while practicing with the highest standards of honesty and honor. I intend to involve myself in matters which facilitate equal rights for women and other socially disadvantaged and underrepresented groups. I hope to be a positive agent for change in helping those who seek my assistance achieve justice and fairness within their legal dealings.
In these past four years as an undergraduate student I have grown immensely as a person, and have greatly improved my academic, social, and organizational skills. I believe that this is only the beginning, and I am certain that if I am given the opportunity to study law at your university I will only continue to mature and further refine my skills. My determination and devotion to my studies is what sets me apart from other students and I will bring a passion to this university which is unmatched by a majority of individuals.

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rw2264
Posts: 314
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:59 am

Re: Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

Postby rw2264 » Sun Jan 03, 2010 12:56 am

xSommerx wrote:Good evening, so I just finished the rough draft of my personal statement and I would really love any advice that anyone has for me. Honestly, I really didn't have a good plan sitting down to write this, I pretty much just sat down and typed up some thoughts I had, trying not to make it sound too much like a story. One problem I usually have when writing is that I use too many big words (tried to avoid this as much as possible) and I also tend to repeat words a lot. Not sure if that is a big deal, just thought it might help. Lastly, I also skipped talking about the times my mom was institutionalized, it seemed unnecessary and I already felt kind of guilty even talking about that at all but it really did make things hard for me growing up. Thanks bunches, you guys are the best! :D




For most of my life my future seemed rather uncertain, and a variety of factors greatly affected my ability to excel academically. I have lived with my mother for the majority of my life, and as the result of multiple divorces we moved frequently and I was forced to attend a variety of different schools. When I was in the fifth grade she began developing severe mental problems, and while she was still able to support me financially I knew that the mother I had known and loved was gone and that I would have to begin to care for myself emotionally/psychologically. I struggled to do well in school while having to deal with her frequent bouts of rage and paranoia, of which I was frequently the target. When I moved out of her home in order to attend college I knew that I was finally free. I now felt as though I was in control of my own life, and that I had far more power within my own environment "than i had previously known"?. The constant worry and anxiety I had previously felt [strike]was[/strike] were finally dispelled, and I no longer faced such [strike]distractions[/strike] distractions doesn't seem right--how about obstacles?. I continue to excel in my college courses, never missing a single lecture or [strike]neglecting to fully complete any[/strike] homework assignment. [strike]I now realize that[/strike] Though my college education I came to realize that I possess within myself the determination and devotion to succeed on my own without the help of others.
While parts of my life have been rather demanding, they have [strike]undeniably[/strike] worked to create the person that I am today. I consider myself to be a confident, determined, and organized individual who has the capacity to bring forth an undying devotion undying devotion is awkward and sounds like it should be reserved for love poems to any goal that I undertake. [strike]I do not want to have any regrets in my life, nor do I want to allow any aspect of my life or personal identity restrict my ability to excel in any chosen occupation.[/strike] I have always been interested in the law and the way in which it works to manage and organize human behavior in order to create a functional society. I firmly believe that I have the skills necessary to succeed within the field of law, if I am given the chance to do so. At times I can be assertive, yet I am also both able and willing to negotiate when necessary. I am able to solve problems effectively and will take responsibility for my own actions. As a psychology major I have gained a variety of persuasive skills and a great deal of information about human behavior which I feel will aid me in dealing successfully with others. I believe that as a lawyer I will be able to competently represent individuals and serve their needs while practicing with the highest standards of honesty and honor. I intend to involve myself in matters which facilitate equal rights for women and other socially disadvantaged and underrepresented groups. I hope to be a positive agent for change in helping those who seek my assistance achieve justice and fairness within their legal dealings.
In these past four years as an undergraduate student I have grown immensely as a person, and have greatly improved my academic, social, and organizational skills. I believe that this is only the beginning, and I am certain that if I am given the opportunity to study law at your university I will only continue to mature and further refine my skills. My determination and devotion to my studies is what sets me apart from other students and I will bring a passion to this university which is unmatched by a majority of individuals.



i think you should focus more on overcoming obstacles if that's the opening of your PS. the rest is just kind of listing your qualities and aspirations without any proof that you have demonstrated those things.

xSommerx
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

Postby xSommerx » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:06 am

Awesome advice, thank you so much! I made all of the mechanical changes that you suggested, now I need to work on thinking of instances in which I demonstrated those qualities that I supposedly have ;)

xSommerx
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

Postby xSommerx » Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:09 am

So I thought of a small story about a car accident I was in about 2.5 years ago, I'm not sure if this sounds alright so I'll post the little snippet which contains the story and I would appreciate any thoughts that anyone wants to share. Thanks again! :)



I firmly believe that I have the skills necessary to succeed within the field of law, if I am given the chance to do so. At times I can be assertive, yet I am also both able and willing to negotiate when necessary. This became necessary approximately two years ago when I was involved in a car accident in which my age and gender caused those involved to solely blame me for the incident. I carefully documented evidence which had not been contained in the police report and prepared a statement which I presented to all of the insurance companies involved. Using this I was able to convince them that I was not primarily at fault and subsequently was not required to pay for the other parties’ damage.

Sourpunch
Posts: 104
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2009 2:23 am

Re: Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

Postby Sourpunch » Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:39 am

mmm...

My determination and devotion to my studies is what sets me apart from other students and I will bring a passion to this university which is unmatched by a majority of individuals.


This is terrible. How do you know? You could say "I believe that I will bring a passion to this university"...plus, the whole "unmatched" thing is pretty lame.

xSommerx
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: Just finished my P.S, would absolutely appreciate any advice

Postby xSommerx » Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:38 pm

Yeah, I guess you are right that I don't know for sure, but I just assumed it was the case. I'm dead serious about school, the only way that I would ever miss a class would be if I were completely incapacitated, and I just feel that my generation is pretty lazy and careless, so I always thought I was different in that aspect. I have read every word of every reading assignment ever given to me, even when I knew that I would not be tested on it, and I believe it is a great disrespect to both myself and my professors to neglect to do so.

I could take it out, but on the other hand I'm hoping that next to my 3.94 UGPA the statement might not appear so lame ;)

Thank you though, I will definitely consider changing that!




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