Take your time but please help with PS!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Take your time but please help with PS!

Postby Irrelephant » Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:54 pm

My PS is a bit rough, but that's why I'm posting it here! I will tailor it to focus on each individual school but this is what I have at the moment. It's a little under two pages and 668 words. This is by far the most difficult genre I have ever written in. I'm appreciative of harsh/constructive criticism.

(sorry for the rough redaction)

"I am most drawn to the legal profession because of the unique opportunity to affect widespread societal change through local action. There are few professions in which socially conscious action on an individual basis can bring about such widespread change. At age six my family was severed by the untimely divorce of my parents. I found myself grocery shopping with government issued food stamps and cooking full course dinners for myself and my sister. It was because of this experience that I began to understand and develop a compassion for the plight of those less fortunate. To this day, I hold the interests of others ahead of my own and I am in a unique position to act on my inclination because my mother remarried a successful and affluent lawyer who gave me a new lease on life by allowing my family and I to enjoy opportunities seldom enjoyed by lesser-privileged families. I have exercised this consciousness in many forms such as lecturing at XXXX to raise awareness for sexual injustices. I also obtained an internship at the X X Public Defender’s Office and while this opportunity is one that I share with many of my collegiate colleagues, the contributions made and experiences derived during my tenure in the public interest sphere have proved to be unique.

Mr. X, my immediate superior and confidant allowed me to take the lead on a multi-defendant case in which fifteen defendants were charged with conspiracy to traffic narcotics across non-contiguous counties. Our client was charged with two counts of conspiracy to traffic narcotics and one count of conspiracy to employ the use of a minor to traffic narcotics. I regarded this case as an opportunity to create a strong personal and legal foundation that could be utilized throughout the rest of my legal career.

After months of reading and analyzing discovery, the case became personal when at the first hearing all of the defendants who I had come to know by name and appearance were sitting shackled in the jury box. I was able to speak with our client through an interpreter with Mr. X. I was nervous to take on such an active role, but knowing that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life I was able to transcend my usual comfort zone. After court we were approached by the wife of our client whose distress and concern illustriously emanated from her expression. It was at this point that I realized that these individuals were not simply numbers in a database of alleged criminals, but that each of them had names and families. This insight in tandem with knowledge that this was an opportunity to alter and refashion the limitations of the law affirmed my dedication to both the case and each and every individual’s right against false incrimination.

In light of this renewed sense of vigor I returned to the discovery by my own accord and found evidence pertaining to the charge of conspiracy to use a minor to traffic narcotics. Mr. X employed my argument to persuade the DA to offer our client a plea deal in which the strike was absent. In doing so I succeeded in qualifying the applicability of the violation of conspiring to use a minor in later cases that may arise in X X County.

It is the adversarial purpose of the prosecution and the defense which gracefully allowed Mr. X and I to preserve social justice. It all began by preserving the rights of one individual resulting in the protection of all individuals who may be charged with a crime, and in the civil sphere minorities who may have their legislative equality transgressed. It is this opportunity that allows me to identify and relate my social consciousness to the legal profession. As I have done in the past, I will continue to utilize our common law tradition and pursue avenues that will entitle others to fully enjoy the principles set forth in the United States Constitution."

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Take your time but please help with PS!

Postby Irrelephant » Thu Jan 07, 2010 4:37 pm

I know this PS is boring but bump. I'll swap or whatever too..

nguyenr22
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:19 am

Re: Take your time but please help with PS!

Postby nguyenr22 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:32 pm

"To this day, I hold the interests of others ahead of my own and I am in a unique position to act on my inclination because my mother remarried a successful and affluent lawyer who gave me a new lease on life by allowing my family and I to enjoy opportunities seldom enjoyed by lesser-privileged families. I have exercised this consciousness in many forms such as lecturing at XXXX to raise awareness for sexual injustices. I also obtained an internship at the X X Public Defender’s Office and while this opportunity is one that I share with many of my collegiate colleagues, the contributions made and experiences derived during my tenure in the public interest sphere have proved to be unique."

does not connect to your previous statements about underprilegedness...cite examples

"It was at this point that I realized that these individuals were not simply numbers in a database of alleged criminals, but that each of them had names and families."

So what? isnt that all criminals? but they did commit crime..I understand but it's vulnerable

3rd par: what was the finding (evidence?) citing may make the para more interesting

t is the adversarial purpose of the prosecution and the defense which gracefully allowed Mr. X and I to preserve social justice. It all began by preserving the rights of one individual resulting in the protection of all individuals who may be charged with a crime, and in the civil sphere minorities who may have their legislative equality transgress..

Use multisyllabic (uncommon) words to drive a point...only 2-3 max per sentence...too many will turn slow the flow of the reader

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Take your time but please help with PS!

Postby Irrelephant » Mon Jan 11, 2010 5:30 pm

That was very helpful. Thank you! I'll post updated version later this week.




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