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Looking for any thoughts or feedback. There's about a 30k difference between X and Y.. ideally, I'd like X to beat Y's offer. Would just ask that y'all not quote my post in its entirety. Thanks in advance!

Dear Dean X,

I am writing to let you know that I am very excited about the prospect of attending X Law and to ask whether X is willing to re-evaluate its scholarship offer in light of a competing offer I received from Y Law. Please find attached a PDF of Y's offer for your reference.

Given my interests in [specific area of study], I am confident that X's extensive course offerings and opportunities for additional study, such as through its [identifying] program, dovetail perfectly with my interests in these areas of study. Ultimately, I hope to practice law in [geographic market] and X's placement statistics in this market make it clear that a legal education at X would provide an excellent vehicle for achieving my goal.

I also hope to graduate from law school with as little debt as possible, and while X remains one of my top two choices, financial considerations make it impossible for me to choose X over Y under present circumstances. As such, I would respectfully ask that the Scholarship Committee consider me for additional merit aid.

Thank you very much for your consideration and I look forward to hearing back from X. If you should have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Looks pretty good. Off the bat, I have three thoughts.

1) I wouldn't quantify Y's offer or attach the PDF unless in a response they ask for it.

2) Delete "I also hope to graduate from law school with as little debt as possible." So does everybody. Just start that para "While X..."

3) Maybe instead of saying "one of my top two choices," say something like "at the top of my list." You don't want to be ambiguous about wanting to attend.

Good luck!