Proofread my Scholarship Negotiation Please?

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LegalNugget
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:44 pm

Proofread my Scholarship Negotiation Please?

Postby LegalNugget » Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:36 pm

This is my first attempt at negotiating scholarship. Any advice/input would be greatly appreciated. ####= the school im applying to.



I was extremely honored to see that I received the Dean's Merit-Based Scholarship. The offer is greatly appreciated and not taken lightly.

I however am writing this to discuss the possibility of dropping the stipulation I have attached to my award which requires I maintain top 50% class ranking. Although this sounds very doable given the amount of effort I plan on putting forth, I still have certain reservations.

For one, Law School is obviously an unpredictable experience. As confident as I may be, it would be foolish to assume success with absolute certainty . Also, I have heard all the horror stories of class stacking and subsequently large numbers of scholarship holders losing their money. I am in no way insinuating this happens at ####, just that I have heard of its existence in general.

I have also been admitted to xxx, yyyy and zzzz law as well. I have calculated that If I were to lose my scholarship at #### following year one, the following two years would be nearly the same in price as xxx would be for all three years. yyy has offered me a total scholarship of $20,000 with no stipulation. zzzz has offered a total scholarship of $81,000 with a similar stipulation (top 1/3). Although #### ranks highest in its own right in many fields, the other schools are in general more nationally recognized.

If ### would be able to drop the stipulation attached to my scholarship, my decision would become much clearer. I have friends and family who attend/attended ####, and I grew up in (city close by). I would love to stay in the local area, but I must make a decision based on numbers as well. I look forward to hearing back from you and to attending the Scholars Retreat soon as well.

Thanks you for your time,

Me

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nickb285
Posts: 1500
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:25 pm

Re: Proofread my Scholarship Negotiation Please?

Postby nickb285 » Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:49 pm

I would not use the word "doable," nor would I mention class stacking, as pointing it out as a concern will be taken as an accusation regardless of the next sentence. Your emphasis shouldn't be "you're trying to screw me with this stipulation," your emphasis should be "while I am confident in my ability to perform in law school, the state of the economy is such that minimizing risk is critical." That way you don't sound like you're trying to accuse them of anything, nor do you come across as unsure of yourself.

In your fourth paragraph, your last sentence is unnecessary. Admissions offices know where they rank relative to other schools, you don't need to point it out. The only thing you need to say is that you'd rather go to #####, all things being equal, which you do in your next paragraph.

You also don't need to capitalize "law school."

LegalNugget
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:44 pm

Re: Proofread my Scholarship Negotiation Please?

Postby LegalNugget » Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:10 pm

Doh' on the doable and capitalization! Very quick draft. Thanks a lot for the other peieces of advice, they will be used in the second draft.

fallingup
Posts: 481
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 4:34 pm

Re: Proofread my Scholarship Negotiation Please?

Postby fallingup » Thu Feb 21, 2013 12:31 pm

I would drop this paragraph entirely. It's a minefield.

For one, Law School is obviously an unpredictable experience. As confident as I may be, it would be foolish to assume success with absolute certainty . Also, I have heard all the horror stories of class stacking and subsequently large numbers of scholarship holders losing their money. I am in no way insinuating this happens at ####, just that I have heard of its existence in general.

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holdencaulfield
Posts: 478
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 7:12 pm

Re: Proofread my Scholarship Negotiation Please?

Postby holdencaulfield » Thu Feb 21, 2013 2:46 pm

LegalNugget wrote:
I was extremely honored to see that I received the Dean's Merit-Based Scholarship. The offer is greatly appreciated and not taken lightly.

However,
I however am writing this to discuss the possibility of dropping request that the stipulation I have attached to my award which requires I maintain top 50% class ranking be altered to merely require that I maintain good academic standing. Although this sounds very doable given the amount of effort I plan on putting forth, Simply put, I still have certain reservations because, although I have excelled in academics in the past, I realized that getting top grades in lawschool is anything but guaranteed.

For one, Law School is obviously an unpredictable experience. As confident as I may be, it would be foolish to assume success with absolute certainty . Also, I have heard all the horror stories of class stacking and subsequently large numbers of scholarship holders losing their money. I am in no way insinuating this happens at ####, just that I have heard of its existence in general.

I have also been admitted to xxx, yyyy and zzzz law as well. I have calculated that If I were to lose my scholarship at #### following year one, the following two years would be nearly the same in price as xxx would be for all three years. yyy has offered me a total scholarship of $20,000 with no stipulation and zzzz has offered a total scholarship of $81,000 with a similar top third stipulation (top 1/3). Although #### ranks highest in its own right in many fields, the other schools are in general more nationally recognized.

If ### would be able to drop the stipulation attached to my scholarship, my decision would become much clearer. I would very much like to attend ###. I have friends and family who attend/attended ####, and I grew up in (city close by). While I would love to stay in the local area, but I must make a decision based on numbers as well carefully consider all risks and the possibility that, if the stipulation is not removed, I may be forced to incur significant student loan debt. I look forward to hearing back from you and to attending the Scholars Retreat soon as well.

Thanks you for your time,

Me




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