Please read my diversity statement!

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:21 pm

Please read my diversity statement!

Postby soontobelawschooler » Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:26 pm

Last edited by soontobelawschooler on Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Please read my diversity statement!

Postby ph14 » Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:38 pm

A few quick thoughts, in no particular order:

1. ESL? Never use an abbreviation without first introducing it. And what does graduating from ESL mean? You just go to regular, English-speaking classes?
2. Why did they call you a "banana kid"? This is completely random and adds nothing as it is now. But I feel like it could be an interesting point, if you can explain it.
3. I liked your description of your mother who sought to acculturize the family to the US. This could be absolutely fantastic if you drew it out a little more, and paint more of a picture about it. I picture something like your mom struggling to cook the meatloaf, as she had no experience cooking it, having to look at the dictionary as she cooked (perhaps she event kept it in the kitchen because she had to reference it so often)? Maybe your mom has to come to you, the English savant of the family, for help in reading the dictionary or something else (keeping in line with your bridging the gap theme). I also picture your mom cutting off a conversation between you and your sister because it was in Korean, and forcing you guys to speak English. This could be gold if you use the material more effectively.
4. The paragraph about the family strife isn't very effective. What does this add? Why should I care? How does it effect you? Rework this to tie into your theme a bit more.
5. The explanation of the challenges of navigating between different cultures and languages is engaging. But instead of phrasing it as you do hypothetically, why not phrase it as it happened? If, as I suspect, this is based on some personal experience. ]
6. It's a bit disjointed, notably the parts about your dad and your family's financial ruin. While these are okay, I think the real strength in your DS is the explanation of YOUR experiences. Either tie it in more to your theme of bridging the cultural gap (a great theme, by the way), or replace those paragraphs with something else that fits in more of your theme. It comes off much more engaging and insightful, which is no surprise because you are writing about yourself rather than your family.
7. Love the tie in at the end with the girl you called an elephant. It's a great depiction of your evolution. I would bookend your PS with this frame. Start with the anecdote. End with your best friendship.

The paragraphs I mentioned above as being somewhat disjointed seem like you wanted to paint the hardships you and your family have endured, in the hopes that it will make the essay better (or score you sympathy points, perhaps). But I think it actually backfires a little bit.

Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:21 pm

Re: Please read my diversity statement!

Postby soontobelawschooler » Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:50 pm

thanks for your thoughtful reply!

I am erasing the details now

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